Strength
APOTHECARY'S PERSONAL LOG BEGIN AUDIO PLAYBACK I am ... a little ashamed to admit it, but I am tired of being strong. Now that I can admit that I am strong, I'm having the issue of being unable to admit that my strength is running out. There's an end in sight, though. Arbiter Alasha's research seems to indicate that the Aegis can be used as a power source for this Totem of Madish, making it safe to use without Reiner or Dariak or Kot or all three sacrificing their own life energy as a power source to allow me to confront this construct - and this construct frightens me, largely because while it has Gesh at its core, it has been building itself into an entity in its own right with pieces copied from me. The episodes are worse - harder to fight back, and I fear the day that something I do results in the Flames making their presence felt. I'm not Zai. I don't think I could survive that. But I am focusing on the end in sight. If the Aegis can be used as a power source, this ends, one way or another. I am supposed to be assembling a team to go with me when I do this, just in case of associated problems. Given that there are some issues concerning my family - my mother's public records are apparently forged, and Aurrin is hesitant to say exactly what he hypothesises about why that might be the case but I have a feeling it might be worrisome - and there are potential issues with scavengers or animals, it's wise to have a squad in place just in case, though I fear they might be bored. Or worse, a distraction. I know who I need with me. Aurrin has to go - for his 'paying it forward' and because the Totem apparently recognises him as a potential witness. Alasha will be going - mental support aside, she now knows more about the Totem than anyone, thanks to her research. Merari should probably accompany me - as my squire, he should likely see how his foster fights, as it were. Ajeno, definitely - if he wishes to use the Totem to help with his own condition, he needs to witness how it works rather than just hearing a report, so he can make his own risk assessment. Which likely means that Makeera should go as well, disinclined as she seems to view this as a potential way of dealing with Keathes. Sedryn - while it is problematic for him to 'come out of retirement' in a non-Kyram way, everyone knows that if this goes wrong, I wouldn't want anyone but him to end it, if it came to that. Reiner, and possibly Dariak ... even Kot. Those who expressed a willingness to act as a 'power source' for this Totem should be present, I suppose, though no one - myself especially - sees that as a viable option, and the Aegis should render that unnecessary regardless. Alasha says that the Archon would probably like to involve himself, and I would not turn him away - quite the opposite, actually. I'd have asked him myself if I hadn't been so convinced that his efforts were better spent elsewhere, but ... that's his choice. His experience with matters of life energy drain would be invaluable in this situation, and I know it. Sam also wishes to go, citing that she cannot serve as a power source for the Totem since she is not an organic; I'm just a little uncomfortable with the idea. But ... honestly, that has to stop. Not just for me - although Alasha does say that it's my head and thus my decision - but for the Marran at large. We are a team. We need to trust in each other, support each other. I suppose I should set an example by essentially saying to the Marran at large, 'I trust you enough to be there with me until the end of a particularly trying time, however it comes out'. I have to trust and accept that they want to help their fellows as much as I would were the positions reversed. So ... I know who has to come. But I will leave it open to the others as to who wants to come. If any want to stand with me, I will not turn them aside. The time of my being so shy around people needs to end or else I won't get through this. Meantime ... I work on improving the Aegis. If I can improve the output a little more, people will be safer if they choose to accompany me on this mission. At least then, even if it turns out badly, I can go knowing that no one else was hurt, and that Alasha will find a way of returning me to the Force with the other trapped presences of the Totem. Right now, that's all I can do beyond ... just continuing to fight this ... attempt at takeover as much as I can. ...I'm just very tired and wish I could bring myself to admit it...