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In the movie "Dark Phoenix," Charles Xavier wears black clothes as a mourning outfit for his lost and ungrown hair.

X-MEN:

DARK PHOENIX 2/5★

~ 2019

So, I went into Dark Phoenix with absolutely zero excitement and honestly? It wasn't THAT awful, but it also wasn't some Endgame-level sendoff for an era either.

First of all: the Jean casting throughout this entire era was actually really good. Kid Jean, Apocalypse Jean, and Dark Phoenix Jean genuinely feel like the same person at different stages of her life, and I appreciated that a lot because sometimes these movies act like puberty completely changes your entire bone structure.

Also, I need to say this: Charles being bald still catches me off guard every single time. I KNOW that's what he's supposed to look like. I AM AWARE OF THAT. But come on, we've spent what? Four? Five movies? Watching this specific actor running around with that L'Oréal Paris shampoo commercial hair. Every time he shows up bald my brain still needs a second to process it.

Another important topic:

Mystique looked SO GOOD in this movie.

"but-" no. Shut up.

She did.

That shade of blue mixed with the red hair worked so much better for me. My problem was never the blue skin, it was that bright orange slicked-back hair that always looked like someone dumped an entire bottle of hair gel on her head.

The hair? Gorgeous.

The makeup? Gorgeous.

The details? Gorgeous.

After years of that weird wet-looking hairstyle, they finally gave her a design I actually loved.

Which is EXACTLY why this movie decided to personally attack me.

Because HOW THE HELL DOES SHE DIE???

IT'S MYSTIQUE.

MYSTIQUE.

I DON'T ACCEPT THIS.

And what was that death???

Not even near the finale???

Like yeah yeah I know they needed Magneto and Beast to go on their "let's hunt Jean" mission, BUT I DIDN'T FINISH LOOKING AT HER YET.

cough cough

returns to professional reviewer mode

One thing I genuinely liked was how much the movie focused on the characters and their emotions instead of throwing action scenes at my face every five minutes. The arguments between Raven and Charles were surprisingly interesting because they both had valid points and I kept switching sides every conversation.

Like yes Raven, why ARE mutants constantly risking their lives for people who barely tolerate them?

But also yes Charles, I understand why you still believe things can get better, please stop making sense. I need to pick a side.

(Actually never mind. Wherever Emma Frost is, that's my side.)

And also:

"Maybe we should change the name to X-Women because the women are always saving the men." THANK YOU RAVEN. SOMEONE HAD TO SAY IT.

THE WOMEN CARRY THIS FRANCHISE ON THEIR BACKS AND I'M NOT EVEN TALKING ABOUT JUST X-MEN.

And can we talk about Storm for a second? Because I love her. I really do. She looked amazing, she was cool, she had presence, but why does she feel like a background character in half of her scenes? 😭 They kinda throw her next to Scott and then she's just... there. Existing. Looking beautiful. Being Storm. And somehow still getting less dialogue than people who matter significantly less.

Then Crystal showed up out of nowhere and I genuinely had to pause for a second because THAT was not on my bingo card.

Like hello???

You're here???

Okay then.

But my biggest issue was probably the Phoenix itself. I liked Jean, I liked the emotional side of the story, I liked seeing everyone react to what was happening to her, but for a movie called Dark Phoenix, I still feel like I know surprisingly little about... you know... THE PHOENIX.

Where did it come from? Why Jean specifically? What the hell even is this cosmic force? Who are these aliens? Like okay, I know it destroyed their planet and whatever, but WHO ARE THEY???

Honestly, I don't even need a full history lesson on the aliens. I just want someone to explain WHAT THE HELL SHE ABSORBED. They keep calling it the power of creation and I'm sitting there like okay cool but that means absolutely nothing to me. Context please.

I'm not asking for a three-hour documentary narrated by Charles Xavier. I just wanted a little more information.

Overall, I don't really have a strong opinion on whether it's good or bad, It's just... there existing.

It's one of those movies you put on during a random afternoon while eating something and doing something else at the same time. You pay attention for a bit, get distracted, look back at the screen, and somehow still understand what's happening.

And of course it ends with Charles and Magneto playing chess together again because apparently my divorced parents are physically incapable of staying away from each other for more than five business days.

So that's why it's only one star. If you're curious for more in-depth details about my opinion of the film, check it out on Letterboxd.