#dark-cold-december

[dark-cold-december]

Crying in strange cars

Most times it feels like I've grown so much

Like I've got shit figured out, so in touch

But then sometimes I'm that same small little girl

Crying in strange cars and wanting to hurl

And I had promised myself we wouldn't be here again

We'd be strong and smart, we said back then

Overwhelmed, can't keep up, I've lost my head

Depleted and over run, let's just be dead

[dark-cold-december]

I don't mind

I don't mind waiting for you, I don't mind being patient and watching you figure it out. watching you try and deny it, try and look the other way, pretend it isn't there, pretend you don't know what I do. Take the time to figure it out, try other things, and find your way back to me when you're ready. I'll wait, I'll be patient...

[dark-cold-december]

It gets harder and harde to believe things will get better when they've been so bad for so long. When it feels like you're getting rammed by wave after wave only giving you a second to catch your breath so you don't die just to push you to the limit again.

It would almost be more of a mercy to kill you, to not give you that hope of a breath. Not have you believe that it will get better, have hope, start trying to survive, only to remind you that it's impossible.

[dark-cold-december]

Words used to be my thing. My magic wand, my go to. I'm a talker, a writer, once a poet. Words are even my job. Now they somehow feel like the enemy. It's funny how much of an effect words can have. They can feel like they're standing up and slapping you in the face, words can spit on you, they can stab you. They say words will never hurt you, but I think words hurt more than fading scars.

I think about you too often for my own good. You haunt me. Part of me doesn't want you to leave, it's crying and screaming like a child forgotten in the park. I wanna come to you with every problem I face. I want to run to your arms and have you there for me. Maybe I'm imaging something we didn't have, maybe I'm wishing for a fairytale. Maybe it's too late, you sure make me feel like it is.

My memories haunt me with words I said about you during better times. Times when I felt so fully loved and accepted. Times when I felt on top of the world. It's funny how fast good things spiral, and how we delude ourselves into thinking things are perfect when they can never actually be perfect. Too good to be true is a saying for a reason.

I love you, and I'm flawed. I never tried to hide that. I fear myself more than you fear me. I fear myself so much I was trying to get you to run. I don't expect to be loved, i don't think I deserve it. You made me think I was. But I mistook wanting to save me for acceptance. Maybe I don't know what acceptance is, maybe I'll never experience it. The one person that needs to accept me is me, that's enough.

I'm sorry I ever hurt you, I'm sorry you hate me. I'm sorry we tainted everything beautiful we had. Because whether you want to believe it or not we had something fucking wonderful. We just didn't know what to do with it. Kids who were given a Porsche and didn't know how to drive. I'm trying to learn. I swear.

[dark-cold-december]

Not the key

Lock me out of your head

Leave me outside in the cold

All alone in my bed

Watching time grow me old

Things are not really the same

They were never meant to be unchanged

Thought it'd be like before you came

But this is all foreign, all so strange

Be the lock, I'm not the key

But it's time to leave you alone

Have your wings, fly free

And in your dust I will roam.

[dark-cold-december]

I haven't been on here for a while but this place makes me feel better and it's such a sigh of relief sometimes!

[dark-cold-december]

I keep going back to it. Sitting opposite to him. Having him admire every stupid thing I do. Calling me sexy when I made a mess eating. The way he wouldn’t look me in the eye because of how much he wanted to kiss me. The way he remembered how I smell. The fact that he was so submerged in everything we did that day. The way that it felt like no knew else around us mattered at the time. He talked about me like I was something more, more than I ever thought I could be to someone. And now I’m going through our messages like a crazy person staying up till 2 am thinking about him, and well maybe… maybe he’s something more to me.

[dark-cold-december]

I realised one of the things I notice the most when I haven't spoken to someone in some time is their voice. The first time I speak to them after a while, I take a minute to register that in. It just, it surprises me, like I'm hearing it for the first time almost.