#dating bear

[againjack]

Tonight, I crave being held. Being the small spoon. Being stroked gently and being told, “I love you.”

I’ve been thinking about how lopsided things are. How, I half sorta doubt that Colby would ever be the one to hold me. At best it might be a mutual holding or what we’ve done with him lying on his back and an arm out for me to snuggle up and into him.

It’s... not enough.

This week is going to be hard. But it will be harder after when the time for choices will arrive. Choices and discussions. And feeling guilt for not being patient or understanding enough.

And a part of me rages that it isn’t all about him. Sure relationships can be lopsided, but over a long amount of time it should even out. I’m not sure it will. I’m not sure he is capable of seeing my needs let alone doing something about them, especially if it is inconvenient for him and what he want/needs to do.

As my coworker said, even Bear was a better boyfriend. :(

[againjack]

Bear hugs

Bear texted this morning to let me know he was on his way with an eta. He arrived sooner than his eta, which threw me off a bit. Luckily, I had already showered, had breakfast, and accomplished a bunch of things that it didn’t throw me off too much. I was a bit anxious, since things ended so poorly and abruptly.

I walked out via the garage (the side I had already laid down a tarp for items to be protected.) I figured I would continue taking the higher road and hopefully make things easier for both of us. I smiled, said hello, and waved as I walked up the drive to where he had his vehicle with a uhaul trailer parked along the roadside. He smiled back and visibly relaxed. 

We chatted a bit, then I said we could talk and unload at the same time then chat later if he wanted to. He caught me up on his family, stress he has been under, his new job, etc. I gave him details as to who and why his things are going to. I didn’t share too much personal information, just that I’d lost 15-20 pounds since he last saw me, to which he was very appreciative with words and his eyes. 

He didn’t complain about anything once. He didn’t critique/criticize anything. He didn’t defend or spout any of his Republican rhetoric and asshattery. He was open and vulnerable. He was sweet. He was all the things I enjoyed at the start and why I had wanted to date him originally. 

After we emptied the trailer and his SUV, and he double checked that he didn’t forget anything, I offered him some water and if he wanted to come in and chat, I gave him an out that I understand he has lots to do and must have a tight schedule, which he took. I was a bit sad that he dropped and ran, but understood. I am sure that even though we had easy conversation and I wasn’t ugly that he was still anxious and stressed. 

We hugged good bye. I told him to reach out anytime, as it seems like he is going to need a friend in the next year between his new job and his father recently having surgery for stage 2 pancreatic cancer. He’s said before that all he has are his parents - he isn’t close to his sister, he has no friends really. Bonus that he is working for a French company and will be spending time outside Paris, that he’ll need tips and help learning French. :P 

I think all in all it went well. I feel empathetic and sad for him. But, he has made his decisions.

[againjack]

Out of hibernation

In a very weird coincidence, as I was driving past his exit, I received an email from Bear. I was bewildered and slightly angry. When I had arrived at my destination I read the email. 

The subject was “me.” The body was straightforward and formal. He finally is moving. He has large items (bed, bookcases, chair) that he does not feel is worth the cost to move. When we were together he joked that he would give them to me. That was the reason for the email.

There was no, “how are you? hope you are well.” It was just the transaction and his need. 

I don’t have need of these things. I could make space for them, but not in a way I would like. So I reached out to a number of people - people who have low income and large families, people who have a wide circle and might know someone in need, people whom I know are moving/getting a bigger place soon. In the end I found a home for most of the items.

I responded to Bear in a much more casual tone - congratulating him on the new job, expressing hope that the job is everything he wanted and that he and his family were well. I told him that I was free on the day he specified and that while I did not need the items, I had already found people who would benefit from them. I hope that he gets a good feeling by helping folk in need.

I have to say, I am impressed. That he reached out, that he is honoring a promise he made, that he did think of someone besides himself (even if the end goal is to benefit him.) I think this mostly speaks as a credit to his family, upbringing, and being Jewish. That last bit is why I made a point to tell him he is doing a good thing, without using the word mitzvah. Like anyone, he wants to be a a good person and seen as a super hero. I lose nothing by feeding his ego a bit.

[againjack]

Over and out

Valentines day celebrations went as expected. Bear acted as expected. He hated everything and resented not spending time ironing his shirts watching repeats on Fox New. The walk was fun, despite his constant complaining. Dinner was nice, despite the fact he decided to talk about how he doesn’t want to marry me, to which I responded that was fine I didn’t want to marry him either. I forget how the conversation started, but he did start it so I ran with it. I was going to wait until after Valentine’s day to have it. We discussed very bluntly about what his needs are and mine and how we could meet half way. That evening was very sweet in that he actually did show attention to things I wanted. He learned that if he actually tries and does what I like that lube isn’t needed at all. He got me a $30 box of Godiva chocolates. He did try, for him. We had a lovely brunch the next morning. 

I had Tuesday and Wednesday free last week, he opted for Wednesday to avoid the Valentine’s Day craziness. He had a flat tire on Sunday that I helped him out with and he complained that in replacing two tires he could only afford fast food the rest of the month. So I said I would pay for dinner. I picked a place that I wanted to try and had food he would eat/enjoy. It didn’t have the one dish we thought it would, but it was still good. He did end up paying, insisting on it when I tried and offered to do so. That evening was ok, not as nice as Saturday night. He was very critical of me and my choices. 

We texted a bit that day and more on Friday. We had tentative plans to do dinner Sunday night. He insisted on coming to my place and had specific idea of what he wanted me to cook. I didn’t hear from him until 11pm Saturday night to confirm Sunday night. I was already pissed off at him. It was repeating the pattern that he only chats when he works, never when he is at home or on weekends. I was at a friend’s so when I got home I told him the truth - I hadn’t finished all the projects I wanted/needed to do on Saturday so I didn’t think I would be able to entertain him. To prepare for, be focused on him, and cook a meal, and be focused on him afterwards is hours of work that I frankly didn’t have time for. I heard NOTHING from him. 

This morning he texted me to start complaining about work. Not once a “good morning,” “how are you?” “are you ok?” “did you get everything done?” “I miss you.” Just complaining. I asked him why he only sent the one text all weekend, he gave a shitty answer. I then reminded him how I had told him I expected daily good morning texts. He didn’t understand the big deal. He then went silent. 

He called me when he got home from work. He called it petty that I was so upset over his not texting me. He said it wasn’t like he wasn’t meeting a need, to which I told him that he actually wasn’t meeting many needs. I have told him numerous times things I need and he would do them half heartedly and half way then give up. I told him this is a pattern. That I told him my specific needs, that I gave him a minimum bar to meet and gave him clear (SMART) instructions that were no effort. He said that what I wanted was too much for him. Bottom line, he was giving more than he wanted to and didn’t want to change a thing. So he said we should break up.

I am glad he admitted that he didn’t realize I had needs let alone that he wasn’t meeting them even though I was very clear. He admitted he didn’t care what my needs were, his were all that mattered to him. While I am not looking forward to a bunch of bad first dates, I’m ok with letting Bear go. 

[againjack]

What is the point?

Things have taken a serious turn in Bear’s world. Sad thing is, I don’t think he realizes it. 

A week ago I called him out on being a shitty boyfriend and communicator. Reminded him how self absorbed he is. The next morning I was pleasantly surprised with a good morning text. In the past damn 4+ months I’ve mentioned to him I like them, he has sent a grand total of 3 in those 4 months. 

This is the pattern. I say something that grabs his attention and makes him realize that I am human and deserve more than hearing about his continual pity party or political opinions. He fixes it the very next time, then seems to promptly forget. 

He has never gotten me flowers, even though I have told him many times I like them, which ones I like, and that I would appreciate the thought/gesture a lot. Why? Because flowers die and “are a waste of money.”

Saturday night we had made plans for dinner tonight (Tuesday). Sunday he started whining about having a runny nose. Yesterday he complained that contractors don’t get sick days. I heard jack shit from him today. I even had to resort to calling his land line, because he forgot his mobile in his vehicle. He forgot we had plans. He feels too sick to go out tonight. Does he have a fever? Throwing up? Diarrhea? Nope. Just a damn runny nose. Bitch, I drove bloody 400 miles, alone, with all three of those symptoms. You take a goddamned antihistamine and suck it up, stop being a whiney ass bitch. 

Ok, fine. No dinner. I had bought him his favorite fancy cupcake on Saturday at a place he rarely gets to go to any more that he loves. I asked if he wanted me to drop it off? No, he didn’t. 

We had also firmed up plans in the past two weeks to celebrate Valentine’s Day on Saturday. I had gotten us tickets to do a walking chocolate tour downtown. I had mentioned a specific restaurant near his apartment that we could go to. I asked him today if he made reservations yet. He didn’t get that a) it was Saturday night, b) it was the Saturday before VALENTINES DAY (thus will be busier than normal), and c) he forgot altogether where I had suggested. (ya know, the name Pinocchio’s is pretty damn distinctive and might have SOME associations...) 

He emails me a few minutes later that the place has “meh” reviews - “only 3 stars on yelp.” I call him back, because at this point I was driving home. Never mind that it was during the height of rush hour and I had stayed that late in the office to go to dinner with him rather than a) not go into the office, or b) leave earlier to save 30 minutes of driving. He complains about the place I had chosen. So I tell him to pick out a place. He is more picky than I am, so I should be fine with whatever he chose. He balked at that. It took every ounce of my will power not to yell at him something about emotional labor and how he is doing NONE of it. 

Never mind that he never tells me he looks forward to seeing me, he misses me, he cares about me. God forbid he repeat he loves me. “I said it once, so you know. Why do I have to repeat it?” BECAUSE I LIKE TO HEAR IT. MEET ME GODDAMNED PART OF THE WAY. He rarely is the one to initiate plans. It’s like he doesn’t want to be in a relationship, or at least one with me. 

I deserve so much better. 

He already knows my views that Valentine’s is the day you spoil the fuck out of your woman, making her feel so loved and like a princess/goddess. He knows that I will do the same for him on 3/14. And even still, he knows I have gotten him a unique, expensive, and nice Valentine’s Day gift. 

After the terse conversation forcing him to do some emotional labor to pick out a goddamned restaurant I had many thoughts (most are here) but one repeatedly - “It is a good thing he already knows I have NO expectations of him for Saturday. Because he would have failed miserably if I had any.” One would think that by knowing there are no expectations it would be incentive to go above and beyond, to wow me and make me reconsider how shitty he is to me and to be in a relationship with. 

I am very nearly to the point of why bother. Why even wait until after VDay? He is being shitty, just end it now. Why wait and add more reason? 

Honestly, I don’t know why he is even dating or in a relationship. The barest minimum he doesn’t do and resents. He doesn’t care how he hurts me (death by a thousand paper cuts.) He even admits that while he would miss me, he is leaving eventually and won’t look back. 

It started out so well. Then it turned into ok. Then it turned into, “It is all I need/want right now.” Then it turned into “it isn’t for much longer, and it beats the crazy dating scene.” Then it turned into “shit, he is staying longer than I expected.” I have been gritting my teeth for the past two weeks to just get through this holiday, to not ruin it for him or hurt him. But I am so sick of this that waiting 5 more days feels like torture. I can’t imagine ANYTHING he would do that would make it worth it. And I have a very strong, detailed, and creative imagination.

[againjack]

A hot commodity

Yesterday I hung out with a friend in another city. I kept noticing that I was getting noticed. So many double takes, or approving stares, or looks of desire. It was odd, honestly. I normally don’t see/realize, even though I know it has happened because I have been told as such. It was a nice ego boost.

Then at one store I walked out of there and asked my friend, “Was he hitting on me?” I didn’t even realize it until afterwards. She said he was, at least a little. I told another friend about it, she urged me to reach out to him - so I did. No response yet. *shrugs*

Tonight hanging with friends a stranger was clearly interested, and when I mentioned having a boyfriend his behaviors visibly changed. 

Bear told me recently he loves me. He is taking steps to show he cares and to speak my love language (although it clearly is not normal and he slips back often.) It is awkward for me, because I am killing time with him and while I care, I don’t love. And when I see that there is more out there.... 

A dating column I follow has mentioned multiple times how being a swiping culture we don’t invest and constantly have one foot out ready to walk away. I know I am not that kind of person. I value and give loyalty. I invest. I do the best I can until I realize that I’ve reached a wall or the ROI is too little/negative. 

It is nice to know that while I am not making any relationship status changes in the immediate future (barring if Jamaica magically came back with major changes-which is a pipe dream so not worth including in the calculations) I have prospects. I have hope. I have value. 

And that value is even before folk really get to know me. I would like to think that in knowing me my value increases exponentially. 

[againjack]

Things have been going well with Bear. Nothing major to report, nothing very interesting. A friend said it sounds like we are comfortable, which is true in many ways. 

He received good news this week. He works under a contract, which is set to expire soon. The good news is that his contract will be extended so he doesn’t have to worry about paying his rent in March and April. :P 

He hates the company he works at and found that there is an opportunity for another company he hates, for no more money, in another city he hates with a similar cost of living that has a bit more options for other companies for future career moves, where he literally knows 2 people - both of whom are former coworkers that he hates, but it is closer to his aging parents. 

Thursday night we went out to dinner. He shared this news with me. Then decided to discuss politics, especially topics such as women’s health and providers of women’s health. Needless to say, I ended up telling him we really shouldn’t discuss it because we can’t agree to disagree and it pisses me off. 

He had asked me when we were planning to stay the night. Back at his place he didn’t want me to read, play on my phone, or do anything on my tablet. So that left snuggling up against him trying to ignore the Fox News he watches obsessively. I couldn’t ignore the lies and fear mongering it was spewing and kept arguing with the tv and giving it the finger, which amused Bear. He then felt that my snuggled up to him was a turn on and started masturbating. 

He had the courtesy to ask if I minded. Considering he basically told me that he’ll be moving across the country in a few months, wouldn’t listen to my side or facts I was providing  - telling me I was wrong with nothing to back him up - then masturbating in front of me.... I was so pissed off that sex was the furthest thing from my mind. Well, he got to a point in his masturbating he wanted to have sex. I looked at him incredulously and asked, “Are you serious? You do everything to hurt and piss me off, are self centered and do nothing to try to make me aroused or feel special and expect me to just let you fuck me?” 

He did admit he was a boor, even using the terms self centered, asked if there was anything I wanted, and when I said there was not went to do his evening shower. (He doesn’t shower in the morning, only at night.) After his shower he was more considerate and actually paid attention to me, listened to me, etc. 

So the evening wasn’t a total loss. I don’t like this feeling of knowing the relationship is going no where and has a known expiration date. But, with Bear, I have known it is a dead end road anyways and would be “short term.” In fact it has been a good “right now” but it still is a kick in the pants to know that someone says they love you, but they are ok just up and leaving for no good reason. 

[againjack]

The Thursday before Thanksgiving Bear did come up to visit. I don’t remember now where we went. All I remember is how we held each other and talked and laughed afterwards. 

While he was away we didn’t chat much. I tried to be respectful that he was with family that he doesn’t spend much time with. We exchanged a few texts a day and a call. 

The day after Thanksgiving I drove to the beach, and within 24 hours was sick again. Another really nasty virus. I honestly don’t know how I survived or managed to drive myself back. Bear urged me to go to the emergency room rather than continue driving. I told him that someday this would be one heck of a story, and it will! I kept thinking that I have known women who drove themselves to the hospital in labor - I can drive while sick. 

Due to being sick the entire week was a blur. On Friday I did end up in the emergency room. Bear left work and met me there. He stayed with me the entire time. He was my advocate asking questions, getting me ice, etc. After we got out it was prime rush hour so we went back to hang out at his place. We cuddled up and just held each other, with more taking and laughing. It was funny while there he called his parents to give them an update, as he has been chatting with them about my illness. About two hours after that call his mother called back, it was obvious from his statements that she was expecting me gone by then, which had me wondering what she wouldn’t say before but wanted to when she thought he was alone.

Sunday he came up to help me out - he grabbed me some needed supplies, filled a prescription for me, and helped me hang holiday lights. We ended up snuggling again and having two rounds of sweet and gentle sex. Neither of us were quite sure what and how much I would be up for, but it worked out just fine. 

Bear has quite a colorful past. I like to ask questions about it to better understand him and the culture that surrounds such situations. I also like to understand him better asking about his past. He is most definitely getting attached and feeling conflicted. 

When we were in the ER talking while waiting on tests I asked something, I forget what now, and he went on a diatribe along the lines of “Do I X? I don’t know” on several relate topics, he snuck in there “Do I want to marry this girl? I don’t know.” To which I bluted out, “It’s only been two months! It is way to soon to even consider thoughts of marriage!” He must have gotten away with himself on his roll because he said the same echoing me only a second behind.

He had a masseuse he had seen a few times nearby that did “everything” before he met me. He said he stopped seeing her as he was getting attached. In our conversation on Sunday he emphasized that his interactions with the masseuse was a business transaction, but what we had was a relationship. It is, but I don’t know how I feel about it. 

At some point he called me his girlfriend. I jokingly teased him, “So I’m your girlfriend now, am I?” He was all cute and adorable explaining that he has been calling me that a while now, since he shut down all the dating sites he was on. I told him I hadn’t realized, because we never had a discussion to confirm monogamy or titles or anything. I’ve just been going with it and enjoying it for what it was at that point in time. 

I can see that his job uncertainty on top of not knowing if he will have to move far away are weighing on him. Added to the fact that he knows he can’t ask me to move (and quite frankly I won’t) but he has terrible job prospects here and hates everything about here, except for me. It’s a lot of conflict for him. 

I have thought about if he manages to stay here job wise what then? Right now I am acting as if he’ll be gone in six months time. What if he makes sacrifices to his career or income to stay here for me? Would I make sacrifices in turn, and in what? I’m a big believer in fairness. Such big thoughts and worries. So lopsided. I’m not sure I’m being fair to him at all. Or to me. But it is nice to have the companionship and support.