#dating update

[cottoncandybb]

Random dating update that no one asked for: I have a cutesy little date planned tonight with a super sweet guy. We’re doing dinner and the drive in movie and I’m really excited about it. 🥰

[myreallovelymind]

Little dating update. I’ve ended things with G. The more I’m dating, the less patience I have for people who aren’t meeting my needs. He is a bad texter which is fine but I told him that I needed more communication. On Sunday I told him that’s if this week nothing changes, I’m going to stop seeing him!

He barely texted and then was trying to organise a date Thursday which is when I kindly said, I’m done 🤭

Just keeping it real. Hot dates but also ups and downs of modern dating!

I have a few dates lining up though so that should be fun 😇

[infj-love]

It's been a long while since I updated. I'm seeing someone and it's just lovely that we connected so quickly and well, and quietly gratifying to feel such an elusive thing as desire.

At first, I wasn't quite sure what he might be like in conversation, because his profile was relatively sparse, but once we started chatting, he was engaging and miles ahead of anyone else I had matched with.

Normally, I try not to expend much energy here; once I'm interested and willing to meet up, it seems a potential wasted effort to keep conversing online when meeting up might be a different beast, and the mystery and chemistry could fizzle out.

But it was hard to stop chatting, and when we met up, it was anything but a disappointment, and things seem to be progressing in a positive fashion.

I still have dreams though, triggers of phantoms and ghosts. It was only a few months since I dreamed that he had found someone and asked for my assistance. Now, last night, I dreamed that he was somehow frustrated that I hadn't let him go.

None of it makes any sense. Wisps and imaginings. But I am trying my best to be present and be giving and grateful. To connect to someone with a good heart and an attractive mind, to enjoy simple pleasures like the brush of skin on skin, a breakfast shared together, or the intoxication of a kiss.

It doesn't have to be forever, because I know it is enough to be for now.

[myreallovelymind]

I just went on a date with an Italian dude who told me his cum tastes like Parma ham 😂

This date was ridiculous and I absolutely stayed for the plot and to give my friends something to giggle about.

No sex, just mulled wine in the park!

[infj-love]

After taking some time out to move and adjust to my new place, I've gotten back into online dating. The lack of responsiveness or interesting conversation is becoming familiar, but there remains some potential diamonds in the rough.

My healing continues. After a good day, I gain strength. After a hard day, I gain knowledge. The feeling of home is so instinctual and I still can't help but wonder that I could feel such stillness, within and without. It will not look the same, but I hope I will feel it once more.

[infj-love]

Dating update #06

So I received a 'break up' text from J whilst I was away on holiday. It spoke about his agony in writing it, how he had met a girl he felt he really connected with and was at a more similar life stage and wanted to be exclusive with, and that he hoped I understood.

Little did he know that I understood far more than he guessed. Some days before, I had a dream that he and I were sitting at cafe, talking, along with a third person. I didn't know who this third person was, but during the conversation I was about to say something, and thought better of it, because I knew J would break up with me, and I wouldn't care.

It seems more than a coincidence that this dream was true, but it didn't matter in any case, portending the future when it cannot be changed.

What was more shocking and hurtful wasn't being rejected but the manner in which it happened. Sending me a text, knowing that I was supposed to be enjoying myself, harping on his struggle without once acknowledging my feelings or the circumstances in which I might receive it, whilst implying that I was an unfortunate bandaid to be ripped off, to enable him to move forward with someone else...

Still, if he had recently met someone and it felt right, I understood these matters could happen quickly so I didn't bear him too much ill will. I balanced my anger and hurt against my curiosity and decided I didn't want to spend the rest of my trip pondering my response and contemplating and explaining my emotions to someone who clearly didn't get it. So I gave him one last moment of grace, told him that his agony was misplaced and returned his 'best wishes', and asked when he met this girl of his.

The response? Roughly the same time I met him.

Should have known better, but even at the end, I had thought better of him than that. Not that he owed it to me precisely, but given that we had so many difficult conversations regarding our relationship, of honesty and disparities of time, of demons and ghosts, I thought that openness was a given, especially since I had indicated a few times when I might be seeing other people. It felt a monumentally selfish thing to continually withhold, when at various times, I had wanted to give up, and thought that I could try to fight on, if he was fighting for us too; during many moments of uncertainty with him, I thought at least we were trying to figure some things out together.

It's been about a week, long enough that I'm mostly healed of the initial hurt. But the same questions I had remain. I still feel the pull of a relationship that is gone, and I'm yet to truly understand what it means. If an INFJ can't trust her instincts, then what can I believe in?

[infj-love]

Arrested development

After some positive signs, progress is pierced by the sight of him, on my dating app, catching me unawares; I find my soul empty and torn all at once.

Seeing as I had deleted him precisely to avoid this, the temptation of secretly checking in on him, it appears that the only explanation is that he's forced to start again and this is only confirmed by the fact that everything appears new - locations, descriptions, pictures...

After the return of this emotional hell, the agony has dissipated somewhat and it might be called progress. Still, my mind returns to this 'new' version of him, and upon reflection, I oscillate between two states.

One, of a strange peace, that even if he is still blind to it, there is a rightness to us, and I was made to love him, a tragic and inescapable fact that I've always known and is still being proven, even now.

Or two, of that constant howling, of the restlessness and rage and grief, that I've been torn away from home, that the stars have been covered up, and I must wait to see them again one day. How bitter to see how happy I would have been to still have this beautiful fool in my life.

I force myself back into the present, ignore my intuition to stay true to my own paths, whilst inside I pace, agitated, hurting and wanting. After all, it's another big week, with possibly four or five dates, and who knows what might happen.