You're emotionally immature and that is why I realize I deserved better. I don't know how to label what we had, because I think it would be an insult to my ex to once consider us "official." But that is also insulting to you. Nonetheless, I still cherish you but I don't really care for you anymore. Cause you don't seem to care either.
But thank you for the "learning experience." It was fun while it lasted, because that's all it really was. Fun. I'm so glad it never became serious.
Also, thanks for being the catalyst for perpetuating my constant preoccupation with responsibilities so I could place you in the back of my mind. At the end of the day, it was a win-win situation.
--
- I remember people shipped us so hard. It was nice to think about, but I knew at the end of the day something was so offsetting. I hate pressure. I'm so so so so proud of you. I will always be here for you. You're going to take on the world and I'm so fucking excited for you. I'm so thrilled to work with you this upcoming year.
--
- From the very beginning, I thought you were so forward. I'm sorry I rejected you, but I hate leading people on because I know how it feels. Don't get me wrong, you are so sweet and sincere. I'm proud of all the accomplishments you've done this year. Thank you for always inviting me to pregame with you ha ha ha and being my beer pong buddy. But despite your amazing personality, I couldn't click with you.
At some point I tried to give it a chance because I thought "Why the fuck not?" Usually when I like someone, it's by instant attraction of some sort. But I felt none of that towards you, so I figured, who says that gradual attraction can't happen? And for a short amount of time, I thought I felt something for you, but I realized it was out of obligation. It wasn't pity. I felt pressure from everyone around us and that was purely unsettling as well. When you told me that we couldn't be friends even if you and I weren't considered a "thing," anyways, that freaked me out and I strayed away even further.
You're wonderful, you are. But I can't click with you. I'm sorry I left you hanging. I really didn't mean to. It was irresponsible of me to bring up your expectations and suddenly leave. I got stressed with school, got caught up in other bullshit and before I knew it, you went back to Washington. I couldn't talk to you personally and I'm sorry if I hurt you. I didn't/don't mean to.
--
What was originally a joke became a reality. What the fuck. What are you doing in my life. I would skip class -- even mandatory classes -- because I would rather stay in and cuddle with you. My priorities slipped further but for once I liked where I was because being with you and your circle of friends made me feel comfortable. Our story is hilarious because none of it was supposed to happen. Or so we thought.
Now look at us, hella simpin. Shit is ridiculous. All of this stemmed from a JOKE. And somehow all the cards played out in your favor so of course you're not complaining. From the moment I met you, I just knew getting involved with you would mean bad news.
It's so funny because we both mentioned how we have this problem of detachment from people. I can move on so easily and I don't mean to. We're similar because we lose interest in people easily. But despite that, we didn't care. Remember how I told you how I hate feeling vulnerable and catching feelings for people? Well I'm not joking. Shit, I still refuse to completely let myself """like""" you.
But I can't get over how you can continue a conversation. I like your wittiness. Sorry I gave you so much shit for your "smoothness" but that was only because I secretly enjoyed it. Sorry I initially came off so cold, but that's because I'm scared -- but yo, I'm warming up right?
All the times I told you to rethink your decisions, I only did it because I cared for you. And yeah, all the shit played out in your favor, but I guess I would rather have it be me than some random ass person. Cause let's be real, you don't have the best luck when you're drunk off your ass. Or you don't have the best luck with girls in general.
Now look at us.... I have no idea where we proceed from here. I warned you about everything. I told you I'm going to be busy. The only reason we were able to hang out so much the end of spring quarter was because a good load of my responsibilities ended. But you and I decided to go with the flow, whatever that'll lead to. I'm so terrified. The way we act with each other screams out "couply" and that freaks me out. I'm sorry that I can't act affectionate with you in public. I know it hurts you.
I don't think I'm ready for a """""""""relationship"""""""". I have too many issues with myself that I need to sort out first.
--
I know I hurt you. Each time I talk to you, I can't help but feel like I'm annoying you. Is this a spiteful way of getting back at me? Cause I feel like you don't really care to put in the effort anymore. I remember when we told each other we would always be there for each other and love each other. I've been keeping my part. But I feel like I can't turn to you anymore; and you were always that constant for me. You were my rock. It fucking sucks knowing I can't consider you to be that person in my life anymore.
I feel like I shouldn't be so angry because you don't owe me anything. I'm so mad at myself because this is all so selfish on my part.
I'm sorry for everything that I put you through. I never took everything that you did for me for granted. You were probably the most amazing thing in my life and I don't think I'll ever meet anyone better to be honest. You literally fixed me and I thank you so much for that. You helped me to become stronger and go off on my own. I don't know how I'll ever repay you. People ask me, "So why'd you end it?" I didn't trust myself with this "college" thing. My emotions are so damn fickle.
I'm sorry you can't open up to me about anything anymore. I can't help but feel like you secretly spite me even if we're friendly towards one another. I don't blame you though. You have every reason to.
