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Blog: Cross cultural & cross religion dating.

"Love knows no borders, has no nationalities, and doesn't need a visa." A conversation with a guy on dating site oasis left me a little shaken. Supposedly I'm a bigot because I said I didn't think I'd want to be with someone who was super-religious. I don't mind someone who believes in God, just because I don't doesn't mean I'd cut out eight out of every ten men given estimates suggest that many identity as religious of some kind. I just wouldn't want to be with someone who is *super* religious. Supposedly I'm racist because when he asked about whether I'd be with someone of another culture I said that it depended on the culture and how similar it's ideologies were to my own [non religious] ones. For instance I said I couldn't be with a man whose religion or culture saw women as inferior, one where women weren't allowed to drive or venture out unless they were escorted by a male member of their family. Does the fact that I couldn't live in a society like Egypt where the women are required to walk behind the men make me racist? But yet it's okay for men to write "I am very into physical fitness and want a woman who shares that and looks after herself", which, in short, means someone who's not fat? It's okay for them to want someone who doesn't have kids because they want to have travelling adventures before having kids? It's even okay to write- as I saw one guy on I think oasis- that he's more attracted to women from Thailand or Vietnam? How is this fair when my not wanting a super religious man from a culture where I'd be treated as inferior and the man's property make me a bigot and a racist? I don't consider myself racist or bigoted. I support all races and religions and recognise that 99% of them are good people and it's only the minority that doesn't. I don't say ban the burqa, I don't protest the building of mosques and other places of worship, I don't say don't let people from this country, of that colour skin or who believe in that God into Australia. I'm always one of the first to say don't automatically assume the terrorist was Muslim, or the carjacker was Sudanese or the aboriginal man veering from side to side is walking like that because he's drunk. Just because I personally don't believe in their ideologies and think some are quite backwards even in the way women are treated doesn't make me racist or a bigot surely? At the end of the day no matter whether I was in a cross-cultural relationship or not the one thing I will not do for a relationship is not change the beliefs and traditions important to me. (But not would I expect them to either.) My friend J is Jewish. We were talking the other day about how his mum wanted him to only marry a Jew and same for his sister. He dated a non-Jewish girl throughout Uni and honestly I was sure they were going to get married. We lost touch after uni but I ran into him the other day and found out he'd ended up marrying a Jewish lady. "But you and X- you were perfect for each other!" I said, shocked. He agreed but then added his parents made it too hard. I don't know if this is the norm or even if this is the whole reason for the break up or whether there were other factors at play but after being called a racist and bigot it certainly captured my attention and voila- this blog post was born. Can cross cultural dating even work anyway? Between a bunch of friends and strangers in blog land and my own experiences who I asked about cross cultural dating approximately 73% said it's possible they can work provided both parties put the effort in and about 90% agreed with the statement that cross cultural relationships weren't easy. All new couples have obstacles to overcome but in cross cultural relationships both partners may need to compromise by giving up some of their own culture to adjust to their partners beliefs, habits, parenting ways, and perhaps even the other partners family not bring supportive of the relationship- like J. (1.) After all it's only natural that we would feel loyalty towards our own culture and traditions, which may make it hard for us to understand the opposing ones of our partners. (2.) Some of us have a more advanced cultural identity than others. I don't think of myself as super patriotic but I do consider myself a pretty "true blue Aussie girl." (Minus a southern cross tattoo, Australian flag bikini, and Australian sticker on my car.) But others I know are very much into their cultural identity. Sociologically a cultural identity isn't just about the things we see like the fashion, or gods worshipped or even the national dish. Rather it's mainly invisible. Because much of what we say, think and do is shaped by the culture we were raised in. It influences our thoughts about things such what's right or wrong, ideas about birth and death, ideas on how we should behave, our sense of self worth, understanding our place/s in society and our values- like the importance of things in life like money or family. (2.) An example. Once at work we did a day course. I don't remember what it was about but I do recall we got subway for lunch (you know- the important things) and one thing sticks in my mind. I was paired with a guy named Tariq. He was perhaps 5 years older than me, married with a daughter and a Muslim. When we had to rank things as to what was most important to us he had money at the top and love and family down the bottom. I remember wondering if that was a cultural idea- the idea making money and providing is most important. Another example. A friend who is Greek has a similar outlook; she's not happy with her husband but he's a good provider so she stays. So it could well be some cultures value money and men who provide for their family over other things like family time and affection? Me? I don't think I'd stay with someone I wasn't happy with because of money and them looking after me. Although I do think I'd have a hard time standing strong if I was in love with someone from a race/religion/culture who my family and best friends didn't like and therefore believed my partner to be the same. I'd like to say I'd tell them to fuck off but I'm not one for confrontation, conflict or even argument. Sometimes I will simply agree with someone/s just to stop any argument even if I don't agree whatsoever. However as I get older (ugh) I do find I stand my ground a lot more. As a shy child, teenager, young adult, even adult it's been hard for me but I am trying. So given all that why bother with cross cultural love? Why not just say this relationship is doomed to fail and run before it gets too serious? Because it won't necessarily fail. And even if it does- as do many relationships where people are from the *same* culture may I add- a cross cultural romance can "lead to the most exciting adventure of exploring the world though another person." (3) There are some interesting pluses to dating someone from another culture. Like learning a new language, learning to enjoy and perhaps even make native cuisines of your partners, and maybe even travelling to their native country. A German mini series doco looked at thirteen couples who were all involved in cross-cultural relationships and they offered some advice on how to keep it going. (4) Some of the suggestions were: * "Being open-minded and talking about possible misunderstandings is essential in a multi-cultural relationship.” -Ratna and Nele * "Being in a cross-cultural relationship takes a lot of patience and tolerance, and it can take a while until one gets used to the other. But as complicated as it might be, it is always interesting and sometimes rather funny when you get to find out and explore all the cultural differences.” -Andy and Ben * “Learn the language and never compare the two countries. For me, learning the language wasn’t just about something I had to do. The main push for me was for my own well-being. I needed a job and personally needed to no longer feel like an outsider looking in...” –Derek and Marc * "If those in the relationship love each other then they understand each other on a much deeper level, and the language becomes less important. But cultural differences are tougher to overcome. Cultural issues are the big ones." -Dr. Jane Elizabeth Dum * “One thing we can’t agree on, though, is when to celebrate Christmas. Thankfully, Tobias lets me have our Christmas tree up all December long. Most Germans put their tree up right before or on Christmas Eve. Because Christmas is my favorite time of year, I would be so sad if I didn’t get my tree until the 24th! We make both the 24th and the 25th special and combine our respective traditions. I think that’s one of the best things about a binational relationship – you can pick and choose your favorite traditions from each culture and get to know a few different things in the process.” -Sarah and Tobias * “As the age old saying goes, communication is the most important thing in any relationship. If these criteria are met you are in for a world of cross-cultural delights, learning all about the others wonderful and mysterious land, which I have found gives you a lot more to talk about than a regular couple.” –Amelie and Dean And experts all give similar advice like educating yourself about their culture, learning some of their language and traditions, being prepared to possibly deal with family disapproval and strong communication. (5) After all Cross-cultural dating is a great opportunity to expand your learning. Your new partner can teach you so much about his or her country, culture, language, traditions and religion. If you can overcome these first few problems, it is a great chance to learn more about the world we all live in. (6) Can a cross-cultural relationship work then? Yes. With work and commitment. Go into the relationship with no expectations and it could be a great adventure! (7) I'm not saying force yourself to be attracted to someone but I *am* saying if feelings are there don't deny the possibility just because it's all too complicated. After all, just because you’re open to dating someone doesn’t mean it will actually work out. You may not even get past the first date so if you do like someone from a different culture just give it a shot. You never know: you may find yourself a fantastic lifelong partner. (8) Fatgirl. Sources: 1. https://barendspsychology.com/cross-cultural-relationships/ 2. http://www.counselling-directory.org.uk/counsellor-articles/cross-cultural-relationships 3. https://coffeemeetsbagel.com/blog/index.php/best-date-tips/cross-cultural-dating-good-great-awkward/ 4. http://www.young-germany.de/topic/live/family-friends/advice-from-bi-national-couples-on-cross-cultural-dating 5. http://www.multiculturalromance.com/cross-cultural-dating-tips/ 6. https://www.google.com.au/amp/blog.datingwise.com/1444/cross-cultural-dating/amp/ 7. http://www.healthguidance.org/entry/14008/1/Cross-Cultural-Dating-and-Marriage--An-Asian-Western-Perspective.html 8. http://www.eatyourkimchi.com/speakers-corner-cross-cultural-dating/