#ddaz

[atrippylife]

Dirty disco | 5.20.17

[meandmyblackdog]

8 October 2016, Saturday

Mahal's coming home!!!✈ Devastating news: Deebee has been diagnosed with stage 1 breast cancer 😞 tinawagan ako kaninang umaga ni Emir bearing the news 😞 he asked agad if available kami ni Net today para sa check-up nila. Since magsusundo ako sa airport, I told him na we'll meet them somewhere in Ortigas after namin sa airport. Mangiyak-ngiyak sya while kausap ko 😞 and sa totoo lang, di ko din alam sasabihin 😶 biglang andaming kailangan isipin, wedding preps, chemotherapy program, titirhan while Deebee's having her chemo, and to sum it all out, financial stuff 😐 I'm a believer in government hospitals, as long as you search a really good doctor and maging assertive ka sa treatment mo. Kailangan naming iconvince sila Emir and Deebee to stay here in the metro habang nagchechemo sya kasi andito yung malalaking government and tertiary hospitals. I heard NKTI's chemo program is good and bago equipments nila. East Ave also has a cancer/breast center so pwede din dun. Natatakot lang ako na maging overbearing/intimidating ako sa kanila. Kaya I let Net talk to them kasi lumalabas yung (s)mothering instinct ko to take control and take care of them. Paradoxical ano? Hai. Net volunteered me to take charge pagdating sa wedding preps nila. So I need to contact the suppliers re progress reports, redunds, and rescheduling. Inaantay ko lang yung final result ng biopsy para may bearing yung balita ko sa kanila. Mama also advised us na humingi ng authorization letter na I'm taking over sa preps. Baka kailangan kong puntahan yung mismong suppliers with Emir para ma-endorse nya ako. Hai.

[meandmyblackdog]

7 October 2016, Friday

I read about the symptoms of anxiety: palpitations, stomach churning for no apparent reason, arm to hand tingles, which I initially thought was caused by my carpal tunnel syndrome, restless sleep, nausea, etc. Then I realized that these symptoms do happen to me! I’ve been sleeping terribly for the past few weeks, often waking up between 2:30 and 3am. But I was able to get back to sleep after 10 minutes, sometimes even less. Today, I woke up quarter to three then wasn’t able to sleep until 5:30am. I slept until 10am, waking up again at around 6:30am to let the dogs out of their crates, then went back to sleep. It was a restless sleep, I knew I was dreaming but upon waking up I can’t remember anything. I’ve already adjusted the time of intake of my meds so I’m not sure why I’m feeling restless and anxious most of the time. Hai.

[meandmyblackdog]

This is one thing that's been bothering me but I don't know how to express the feeling to my doctor 😶 weird or bad as it may sound, I feel safe with my depression around me 😖

[meandmyblackdog]

I just had a revelation! ☺ Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) pala ang ginagawa ni Doc sa'kin ngayon ☺ I now appreciate and understand what she's doing with me. Sometimes kasi I feel na napaka-babaw ng pinaguusapan namin and parang paulit-ulit lang. Now, I understand what she was saying about mindfulness, that you have to be aware of what you are feeling, thinking, and reacting in certain situation. It doesn't negate or undermine the bad feeling but rather choosing a better option on how to handle it. For a control freak like me, somehow parang binabalik yung control sa buhay ko. Pero promise, it's very difficult. Minsan, no, madalas, mas madaling magsuccumb dun sa destructive thoughts kasi sobrang sanay ka na sa ganun. Super effort to think differently, let alone, react differently sa nakasanayan mo.

[meandmyblackdog]

6 October 2016, Thursday

My black dog is with me again 🐶 I guess for a couple of weeks na din. I’ve been feeling lost and numb for the past few days. Yeah, nakapag-function naman ako nung start ng week i.e. maghatid sa airport and have my student’s license renewed, pero after that, I feel so drained, exhausted 😥 I was supposed to meet with Maam A for my assistant duties pero wala, olats ko lang. Yung thought pa lang na lalabas ako ng bahay tinatamad na ako, na wala namang use na lumabas pa ako.

Pinaka proud moment ko lang for the week is cooking, lalo na yung omelette for dinner kagabi 😋

Kanina I asked Aisa if pwedeng makisabay ng bili ng meds ko sa mercury. She was curious kung para saan yun. I guess she asked the pharmacist about the meds and ang sabi nya pampakalma. Being the nitpicky me, sabi ko for depression. I was sad sa reply nya sakin, “Bakit ka naman depressed eh one week lang naman wala si ate N”. Ang sabi ko na lang na matagal na akong nagmemeds, then focused my attention to the cats. Hai 😶

Whenever I chance upon Singaporean food shows, I feel somewhat sad. I actually feel homesick 😞 I miss the food, environment, and even its people! I wish mahal and I can stay/live in Singapore even for a short time. Or at least return to the country twice or at least once a year for a vacation, living like locals, just how I did when I was in secondary 3&4. What I don't miss is the stressful schoolwork we had. That I can do without 😁

[meandmyblackdog]

19 September 2016, Monday

Trooped to NCMH for my follow up check up with Doc Daz. She mentioned I should try to make friends with other people. Di ko masabi or maexplaine ng maigi na masyadong masakit yung nangyari sakin para magventure pa ako. Di ko alam how to deal with the disappointment. She also mentioned to write down my thoughts sa small notebook. I’m not sure if that will work for me.

Had early birthday dinner at Makansutra in SM Megamall with Feren-Yu. Kami na ni mahal ang nagbayad para they get to try new stuff. I don’t know if it’s reklamo, pero nabanggit ni mama na nakapakuripot ni B sa lahat ng bagay. She also mentioned na worried sya na baka ganyan din si B sa ibang tao. Ayaw kasi ni mama na maging impression sa kanya na freeloader sya dahil ayaw maglabas ng pera. Hai. Di na ako nageexpect kay B pagdating sa ganyan. She’s at the point na sarili lang nya and si J ang iniisip nya. Inooverlook na nga lang namin mga utang nya sa'min. Kung meron, meron, kung wala, wala. I’m lucky that mahal is sooooo understanding and loves B as if sya talaga ang kapatid.

[meandmyblackdog]

18 September 2016, Sunday

Today, we finally started filling our Christmas box :) I feel happy and accomplished that I don't have to rush Christmas shopping for everyone :) saved a lot as well since sa warehouse sale and book fair kami bumili :) #waisnamisis hahahaha!!!! I feel detached with my family :( parang may wall or something.