〈♦〉DECEMBER 30TH, 2019 → de:code evaluations.
↳ performing lines in front of the coaches.
the end of the month seemed to pretty much sneak up on mingyu. he’d been so busy with all that was going on that the time passed so quickly. there wasn’t much time to consider breaks or anything like that. they were always on the move, working towards some type of goal. it was getting closed to his 2nd year anniversary with won, yet that wasn’t even something that he had loads of time to focus on. he hoped that he would have more time the next day, when they were actually there, but for now he had to only think about performing these lines in front of the coaches.
he worked hard memorizing them and had a few that he hoped he’d get over the others, but at the end of the day, it was out of his hands. if one of the other boys were more suited for the parts mingyu coveted, so be it. truth be told, he looked forward to what songs they would do in the future. their debut song was catchy and fun, but it wasn’t the best thing that he’d ever heard. he knew that they had potential and hoped that it would catch on and help them gain popularity, but he was more so banking on their future releases. of course, this isn’t something that he would ever vocalize.
once it was time for him to perform the lines in front of the coaches, he made sure that he drank plenty of water so that he wouldn’t go hoarse or mess anything up. he knew all of them like the back of his hand at this point, so he didn’t have any fear when it came to memorization. truth be told, he didn’t want to sound bitter, but there wasn’t all that much for him to memorize anyway. the fact that he barely had any as it was, and these lines were going to be split up made him a little worried, but he didn’t want to dwell on it. he was given what he was given and that’s already more than he could have ever dreamed of getting. he was thankful that he had even made it to this point where he would soon be debuting, with won, too.
everything went by smoothly and rather quickly and he was thankful for it. honestly, mingyu was ready for this part to be over with since he was looking forward to the next step. after he performed his lines, all he could do was wait and see which he was given and be notified of what they’d do next. he definitely looked forward to it.
〈♦〉DECEMBER 9TH, 2019 → de:code evaluations.
↳ going to the salon to get hair dyed blue.
it struck mingyu as a little odd. he was being made to get his hair dyed blue, of all colors. he didn’t hate it. as a matter of fact, he had a feeling he would be pleasantly surprised by the outcome. still, so far out of the members he’s asked, he was the only one getting a color that wasn’t a “natural” hair color. the other boys were getting brown or black, yet here he was getting his hair dyed blue.
it shouldn’t have been all that surprising since he knew that kpop groups often had outrageous and experimental colors, but... still. what made them choose for him to be the sole member with a color that would stand out? he guessed it could have been worse, though. he could have had something like bright orange or neon green... at least it was only blue, and ash blue at that. it was going to be somewhat subtle.
by the time he arrived at the salon, he liked to believe that be was braced for it. it wasn’t the first time he was dyeing his hair, after all. even so, this was the first time it was going to be rather colorful. he guessed that he should be getting used to it. this was going to be normal for him and the rest of the boys. they may get to keep natural hair colors now, but there would come a time for all of them when they would be in the exact position that he was currently.
once he was in the chair, he allowed himself to relax and enjoy the attention he was being given. he missed having his hair played with frequently, so he would take this as a win. he still found himself wondering why no one else was getting the same drastic change, but it wasn’t something that he needed to dwell on. after it was all said and done and his hair was finished being cut and dyed, he realized this was probably a good thing. he had no idea what he was going to look like with blue hair, but he ended up thinking that it looked really good.
maybe this was the kind of advantage and look that he needed. after not being in dream knight with a lot of the other boys, he was going to need something to help him stand out and catch the attention of potential fans. hopefully this hair would help do the trick.
█▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒ DE:CODE : december 2019 evaluation
███▒▒▒▒▒▒ RE: a visit to the hair salon
█████▒▒▒▒ 2019.12.09 entry : 1
his roots had turned dark for a while now. the recording of dream knight felt so long ago after everything that they went through. however, the release was only announced on the previous month, and shivers went up his back whenever he remembered it. to think people would actually watch him on the screen. and later on, he’d get to debut. things are a bit too real now if they weren’t before.
he plays with his hair on the way. his fingers pull down the longer hair in front of his eyes, staring at the pink that has faded off. it wasn’t that bright, to begin with, so he’s nearly blonde now. this means the color he’d leave the salon with is one in a grand sea of possibilities. would they re-do the pink? people could recognize him from dream knight that way. or may they’d just keep the blonde since they're halfway there. it’s still early in the morning, and jihoon chooses to rest his head instead of thinking too much. he’d find out soon enough.
“what will it be?” he’s sitting at the salon now. this is much more comfortable than the shaky car. “if i can ask!” the hairdresser chuckles beside him, putting on his gloves. “you’ll see. it won’t take too long.”
no bleaching. he knows how long bleaching takes, so this must mean he’s free of it. jihoon reaches a hand to the top of his head where the roots are showing. so it must be something dark, right? he’s a bit let down, but he wouldn’t say it if someone asks. people say he has a bright personally so, by simple thinking, a bright color should suit him well. he tries to just stay still and wait for it be done, but when they leave him alone to take care of someone else, he tries to get distracted by looking at his phone.
it’s the choreography recordings of their pre-debut songs. if they’ll be recording these soon, he should continuously work hard to prove his role as a main dancer.
getting his hair washed is the thing he needed, but didn’t know it. having the warm water hit him so softly while someone runs their fingers through his hair is the most relaxing experience of the last few months. most others were stressful in some good or bad way. “thank you,” he says to his hairdresser once everything’s done. it’s not as dark as he had expected it. the curliness adds the final touch that makes him identify himself. he'll debut like this. he’ll debut. “thank you so much!”
it’s weird to seonho that right now he’s working on his debut song the song that he is going to record and make a mv to and probably end up promoting on music shows along with his sunbae in the industry who he has only ever watched on naver before. it’s weird to think that’s going to be him one day, he’ll be someone on that stage.
when he started in this path he never really though he would reach this point. in all honestly, seonho never saw himself living this long. not to get dark and depressing on the subject, but that’s how he feels. how he has seen his life the last few years. he thought something more would go wrong and he wouldn’t be able to continue down this path he has so come to love. down the road with the friends and groupmates who have come to mean so much to him. he wasn’t sure he would be allowed to keep going.
and maybe the fact that he’s proving himself wrong is a good thing for once.
he has always wanted to be someone who is good and who listens to what he is told to do, and in the last year he’s come to realize he doesn’t just want to be good but he wants to be happy. he wants to continue down the flower path with his hyungs and his friends and the people of royal and the other companies. he wants to step into his debut with his head held high and let everyone see how he has grown and improved. as he goes over the dance for gorilla in his head for what feels like the hundredth time the last hour alone, seonho thinks he can do it. he can work and get to the place that the coaches expect him to be in and he can go farther than that even. he has to if he wants to stay on this road with everyone.
just like in the song you make my heart pound he thinks this preparation for debut is the most exciting thing he’s done in a long time and seonho won’t give up on that. he won’t let himself be left behind.
· · · · · · · · · DE:CODE DECEMBER 2019 EVALUATION,
✧ ┊ 3rd task 、 mv recording ( I’M FINE , WHAT TIME IS IT NOW? )
it’s not his first time on a set. baekhyun’s been on quite a lot before during his years at royal but they all were different ones. different but, somehow, still so alike -- filming for the samsung commercials, the set for royal survival where he co-hosted with kangjoon. dream knights and their first photoshoot for the group yesterday as well. he guesses he can count all those public performances he’s had as a simple trainee as well. for the backstage experience, at least.
it’s the same kind of rush, isn’t it?
all the staff running around, coordinators, stylists and makeup nunas. in this case even more staff actually, directors and producers who try to make this run as smoothly as possible. no errors, time-efficient and to get the best possible outcome. and despite this -- as mentioned -- not being his first time on a set, baekhyun’s still overwhelmed. terribly overwhelmed. it’s not easy to concentrate on anything properly -- too many colours everywhere. too many people, clothes, makeup changes. and baekhyun’s having a hard time following instructions.
it’s a lot to take in and baekhyun thought he’d handle it better due to his previous experience with filming and everything. especially after dream knight where he felt lost on set half of the time. he always managed to make his way through it but this time he’s struggling.
it was better during their first hours of filming when seolhyun was still there. when he didn’t get a second to speak to her in between shots but still had her close somehow while they were playing that game in front of camera. it put him at ease. he admired the aesthetic of the set, found a liking in those denim jacket and how his own sat a little too loose on his shoulders.
now, baekhyun’s sitting away from the turmoil with his head in his hands, massaging his temples.
maybe it’s because they’ve been at it for hours. because they started getting ready at, like, five in the morning, got up even earlier for that. maybe his brain can’t process the instructions anymore but that’s bad. he’s the leader, he should get it. should help the others if they have trouble handling any of this, should be able to explain to them whatever they don’t understand or struggle with. no one should see his distress. ( but maybe that’s actually the problem: the pressure. the pressure his title puts on him and the pressure baekhyun puts on himself. already cracking underneath it before the worst has truly begun. )
his name is being called and baekhyun’s head snaps upwards, spotting their manager waving him over with a sympathetic smile on his face.
he takes the bottle in his lap, unscrewing the cap and taking a few sips from it before he puts it on the ground and gets up, taking a deep breath and pushing the corners of his lips upwards in an attempt to look more motivated. there’s still a couple of more hours to go, after all.
honestly, the last thing he wants to be doing on christmas eve is training — even if it is their debut song.
he debates showing up for their vocal practice in reindeer antlers, but after waking up still half asleep, he’d decided against it for the sake of not accidentally upsetting anyone else in the same way having to force himself here over christmas is upsetting him.
it’s a long day, as every day on their schedule is, and at the end of it all, he finds himself tucked into a practice room regardless of the festive movies awaiting him at home and the mistletoe he’d hidden under his bed in an effort to persuade mingyu to kiss him when no one is looking. and had they been under any other circumstances, he would definitely be back at the dorms indulging in all of that, in the holiday spirit, but with the tasks they’d been given this month, he just didn’t have the time.
on top of music videos, trips to the salon, photoshoots, new adaptations to already learnt choreographies, he has to adapt himself to an entirely new style, almost what feels like someone else’s voice, for some of his potential lines in their debut song. pushing him out of his comfort zone is exactly what he expected, but like this? it’s overwhelming. there’s only so much he can worry about at once, only so much he can struggle with and yet, royal had somehow managed to cram all of it into one month — his favourite time of the year, too, loaded with irrelevant activities and completely ignored in favour of all the stress he’s supposed to forget for a few days around the 25th. there’s always next year, he supposes.
today, he sits with his legs outstretched on the floor, his lyrics sheet between his knees and his phone as a paperweight. he hits play on the demo on said device, looping it back to the beginning to practice his earlier lines. running through them alone, his words echo around the room. they feel as empty as they sound as he hangs his head in frustration. less than a week to go and though he’s much better than when they started, he still feels like he’s got his head in a pillory, ready and waiting for the ridicule and embarrassment from their coaches to start the new year and fresh decade. kicking the back of his heels against the ground, he repeats his first line over and over and over until he grows tired of it, then the second until he bores of that, too, and repeat. eventually, he lies back against the dirty floor and sighs.
their debut song catches him entirely off guard. he’d heard their warnings, that it would be a lot different to their predebut songs in order to make a strong impact on release, but he didn’t expect this. one thing that does get him excited, though, is the potential choreography. but, they have to learn the lyrics first, and of course, perform their potential parts at the end of the month — even if everything feels like it’s moving at a million miles an hour, at least it’s consistent.
listening to ‘gorilla’ for the first time is a strange experience. fortunately, the lyrics don’t go the angle he fearfully expected them to ( and he supposes that’s because seonho is still, thankfully, very young ) and the beat and backing track themselves are ridiculously catchy, but what worries him is what will be on his paper once it’s handed to him. he already knows the higher notes will go to baekhyun and seonho and the raps to mingyu and minho, but there’s a limbo in the middle where the rest of them fall and he isn’t quite sure what it means. where the song fits his desire to dance, it doesn’t feel like it quite fits his singing style. it’s only his first listen, so it’s likely he’d missed them, but there’s no lines he feels would suit him. everything isn’t quite vocal enough for him to sing, but also not rap enough for him to avoid. he knows he’s not going to love every song and certainly won’t get to feel confident with everything they release, but as he looks back down at his lyric sheet and notes the lines he’s been told to practice, he can’t help but wonder how he’s going to adapt to make this work.
he practises his lines diligently, asks mingyu for help with the earlier parts that don’t quite feel natural for his voice despite its deep tone giving him a slight advantage. it feels much more daunting this time around than in previous. even with two songs in october and november, the amount they have to balance this month on top of not really know where he fits into their debut song, he feels this throat closing up sometimes when they run through the song together as a group. he dips his head each time, apologises, promises himself he’ll make up for it when they get the choreography by learning it quickly, helping everyone else, but right now, it isn’t much comfort. he spends most of his time running his hands through his hair in frustration and worry, but by the time their final performance rolls around, he’s managed to make a conscious effort of keeping them by his sides.
learning the words for his lines isn’t a problem, but he still glances over the sheet before they begin just in case. highlighted, doodled on, annotated— they’re hard to miss on the paper, even with his nervous, darting eyes.
the coach’s eyes fall on him for his turn and with a shaky breath, he breathes in just before he sings the first line. one of his potential parts is the opener and he tries to deliver it with confidence ( even if he doesn’t feel it that strongly ), following it quickly with the second. a few seconds break and he sings his third potential line, another he didn’t feel at all calm about, before taking another break, a few seconds longer than the last.
his next line jumps forward to a minute in. though it follows the exact same structure as his previous lines, it’s a little longer and he has to maintain a strange balance in delivery for the eight seconds it spans. this style of almost speak or rap singing, even after all the help and guidance he’d received, still feels strange on his tongue, so when he comes to his final potential line, at just over two minutes in, the way his shoulders relax is likely visible as the comfort with actually singing seeps in. it’s a pretty line, one he really hopes he gets ( but knows better than to do so too much, lest he be disappointed ) and one he executes without hesitation or error. it suits him well, at least compared to how he felt about the other lines, but now that they’re done, that the song is done, he can feel the nervousness creeping back in.
all that’s left to do now is wait. but that’s the worst part, especially after how uncertain he’d felt about his other parts. time will tell, however, but if the way royal had spoken to some of the other members these past couple of months was anything to go by, he’d likely have to brace a storm incoming.
· · · · · · · · · DE:CODE DECEMBER 2019 EVALUATION,
✧ ┊ change 、 from brown to → blonde
the chair he’s sitting in is familiar. not too much yet because he’s only been in it one time before but he knows during the next years he might become more acquainted with it. considering they keep coming to this particular hair salon, but it’s his second time there so… maybe? what baekhyun does know is that he definitely will get used to being in those chairs in general -- getting his hair cut and dyed on a regular basis. for makeup and styling before every performance, every schedule. ( he’s experienced it before after all. a couple of times, for a few events, as some sort of sneak peak. )
it’s part of the whole thing, isn’t it? of the whole experience, some would say.
and it’s something baekhyun doesn’t really mind -- used to dye his hair so much during his teenage years that he probably saw hair salons more often than his own room at home -- because it gives him a moment to calm down. a moment of peace where he doesn’t have to speak, doesn’t even have to think at all if he doesn’t want to. he’s not baekhyun, not de:code’s leader.
he’s just.. sitting.
watching the hairdresser mix up dye for him and wondering what kind of colour he’s going to get. if she will give the faded brown strands on his head a simple touch up and nothing more. besides mingyu the first batch of members seemed to stay in a rather safe, natural lane for their hair colours. nothing bright, nothing eye-catching and despite the hues of blue on mingyu’s head, the shade was still rather subdued. he doesn’t expect the rest of them to get something different, thinks they’ll all get those earthy tones. and it’s simple thoughts, wondering about hair colours. no thinking about debut, about choreographies and lines and performances. no dealing with the low he’s been stuck in ever since they were told the news.
just sitting. unwinding in a way he can’t in a dorm with shared rooms, with eight other boys. and baekhyun will cherish that moment. these few hours. knows that he will even more once they’re through debut and this might be the only calm moment they’ll get during their full and hectic idol schedules. ( he knows how it is for seolhyun. )
“you’ll just have to wait and see,” the hairdresser tells him when he asks again which colour he’s going to get, “it will be a surprise,” and when he looks at the bright strands of hair only two hours later, it’s indeed one. surprising. baekhyun stares at his reflection that somehow doesn’t feel like himself, fingers coming up to reach for the blonde strands, twisting them between his fingertips, head tilted to the side.
something is different. feels as if he’s never had that kind of colour before when that’s not the truth. baekhyun’s had them blonde before. maybe, it’s because it’s another step closer to debut. another step forward and that’s the thought that brings baekhyun back into reality.
