#deadvent

[amjustdead]

Fun Fact: Chewing gum helps with cannibalistic thoughts. So does chewing on yourself, which I did today because I'm all out of gum.

So does going to therapy but I don't think my family can afford it and I don't want to unpack all of this on them.

also this is not an rp thing. I genuinely don't know what's wrong with me.

but RP does help me direct the thoughts into a character, not like I was already doing that because I do that with every mental issue I have. Just push it into a character until there's someone I can trust to talk to about it. So thank you all I guess?

[amjustdead]

I am a consistent threat to folks with empathy.

On a completely unrelated note, @knickknat I am very sorry that a majority of my present posts that aren't respond or weird as hell are mental health related.

and on an actually unrelated note I love having long hair besides I can use it to hide from hallucinations, or cause a repeated hallucination of my father's legs next to me while I'm trying to do my fucking schoolwork. Also it be comfy. I feel a lot more gender ambiguous with it. I could be a God in disguise, but I'm actually just a chef. A paranoid one.

[deadzonerrr]

You know it’s bad when your friend is excluding you so hard they always include a bunch of things about another friend but never ever seem to mention you

I’m gonna use the tag “deadvent” to vent on this account LOL

Been feeling super excluded lately. I’m almost always the person to message first, almost always the one to do something nice. It’s really lame and upsetting

[amjustdead]

Im trapped in a liminal hellscape. There's three of us, just three of us. Look closely and you'll see. There's more of us, much more of us. How much is there to see??

[amjustdead]

I just feel so out of control. I just.. Don't feel like sharing my interests with anyone in my family because I'm pretty sure they all find me annoying. Somehow the people on the internet are the ones that understand me the best. And anyways, it's not like I could get my family to understand if I tried. Sometimes I hate myself, sometimes I bury it under false confidence. I just want to be understood and loved. Why does feel so fucking hard to accomplish sometimes. The only time I get along is under specific circumstances, like building Legos with my dad or baking with my mom. I hate this game of chance, I hate them, I hate myself, but it's hard to hate people who have shown their care for me.

[amjustdead]

I didn't tell them about one F and D I got in school because I was scared they would get mad. And now I'm not gonna get a fucking summer, as soon as I learn to drive after finishing off this semester I'm headed straight to college. I just wanted a fucking break year. So yes, my fears were accurate.

[amjustdead]

I get told to be quiet or relax when I'm doing vocal or movement based stims. They don't understand why I go nonverbal to the point where I just fucking force myself to talk. Most of my vocal stims sound like they'd be on Windows 98 because of this. This is why I don't tell them Fucking Shit about me! I'm 18 and I'm still not allowed to fucking curse. Both of my parents are in the spectrum and yet they still don't understand. And they never will.

[amjustdead]

I wish I could apologize to the toys. I also had a mini breakdown when playing chapter five during the Huggy memory scenes. Fear. Denial. Rage. Rage. Rage. Rage. I hope Lovebraids is dead. I didn't want to hurt the toys. I wanted to hide in the corner. But all I could do IS BRING THEM TO THE BAD TOY BOX. At least CatBee seems fine.. I want to be a CatBee. Maybe not a dead one, just a hiding one. Scared, yes. But I wouldn't have to deal with the player, hopefully. The Doctor could be a nuisance if I'm on his bad side. Stay away from Ollie. I wish I could hug Preston. I'm so sorry.