I am not deaf or hard of hearing in any way, however I am learning ASL. My mom likes to help me with my ASL since she took a few semesters of it in college. This results in the two of us signing at each other in the middle of the grocery store. Yesterday, this happened:
Me: I know my teacher taught me the sign for peach, why can’t I remember?
Mom: well it has been awhile since you were in class.
Me: Yeah, that’s true. Everything my teacher taught me has gone through one ear and out the other. Or should I say in one hand and out the other?
Mom was laughing for the next twenty minutes and I had to distract her with bourbon ice cream
Jokes are ways for people to bond. If you can laugh over something, you become more connected. But there are some things you shouldn’t joke about.
Let me be frank. My hearing is not a joke.
“But Anna! I see Deaf/HoH people joke about their hearing all the time!”
I’m one of them! My close friends and I have some fantastic inside jokes based around hearing. But that’s because we’re joking about it with those who understand it, who can relate, and who share our experiences. When a hearing person who can’t relate to the every day struggles, triumphs, and beauty of being Deaf or HoH, makes a hearing related joke...well not only is it ableist let’s just say it leaves a bad taste in our mouths.
“I have Deaf/HoH friends who joke about their hearing all the time with me and I’m hearing!”
We’ll get to that in a minute, but me joking about my hearing doesn’t give you, a hearing person, permission to joke about it.
So why isn’t it ok for a hearing person to joke about being Hard of Hearing or Deafness?
1. It’s a reminder of how not hearing we are, and that we are never going to fit in with the hearing world.
Ok one. We know that. You, a hearing person, do not need to tell us the challenges we face on a daily basis. We should be telling you. Two, it comes across as “Hey, you’re disabled! You don’t belong here and your disability makes you funny.” What kind of jerk do you have to be to say that? Yet when a hearing person uses Deaf/HoH jokes, that’s what it often times comes across as. An insult.
2. It comes across as a poor way to try to be “cool” with HoH/Deaf people.
Come on, if you think I’m interesting then just talk to me about what we have in common! I’m a human being, not a magical fish! If you have an interest in what life is like for me as a Deaf person, then just straight up ask. Your interest in me as a person is so much better than you trying to up your street cred by having a Deaf/HoH friend. You are never going to look cool trying to be “buddy buddy” by mocking my hearing or lack of. In fact, it’s a lot less likely I’ll want to be friends with you. Which leads me to point three...
3. Not every Deaf/HoH joke is actually by Deaf/HoH people.
Trust me when I say that we can tell when a joke is for the Deaf/HoH community and when it’s not. Jokes at the expense of non-hearing people hurt. Why? Because it’s not a joke, it’s an insult. It ties back into number one. Some jokes aren’t used to make everyone feel better about each other and themselves, some jokes are used to say “thank heavens I’m not disabled like you.”
If you’re a hearing person who’s grown up without much (if any) exposure to the Deaf/HoH lifestyle, then more likely than not, your joke was made to make hearing people look good and non-hearing people look bad.
“Ok, so what about Deaf/HoH people joking about their hearing with their hearing friends?”
I do this with my friends all the time. We have fantastic inside jokes because of this. But that’s because they were in that moment with me and we all had a good laugh. I didn’t feel embarrassed or hurt.
It’s also my way of telling my friends “I appreciate you being here and being patient and accommodating.” I’m willing to bet that almost every single disabled person, no matter their disability (yes, including mental illnesses) has had people leave them because of it. So it means a lot that I have such great friends. Joking about my hearing acknowledges that they do a lot for me and that they matter to me. It let’s them know that I’m not unaware of what they do to help accommodate me (even if it’s natural to them). It also let’s them know that I’m ok with where I’m at. Cause even if I wouldn’t trade my Deafness for the world, sometimes I have rough days where it feels like it’s me against everybody else.
“I’ve told a Deaf/HoH joke in the past what do I do now?”
1. Don’t make those jokes anymore. No excuses. Instead talk with your Deaf/HoH friend, spend time with them and make your own jokes. Not only are you being a good person and friend, you’re also making jokes that are going to mean so much more to you than some generic out-of-the-can stuff.
2. If you catch yourself making an offensive joke apologize. Don’t use your apology as a get out of jail free card. Instead make an effort to not use those jokes anymore. Trust me, we can tell the difference.
3. Move on. No, seriously, move on! Begging for forgiveness when we’ve already accepted your apology just makes things awkward for everyone. You won’t stop talking about it, now I can’t stop thinking about it. It also comes across very “you’re disabled and you’re emotionally fragile do you need me to coddle you?” Ew.
Now if you have anxiety or trouble picking up on social cues things are a bit different. It’s still important for both of y’all to be able to move on from the situation. Hopefully the following will help you out:
Wait five minutes. If you’re still feeling upset over the situation after five minutes then speak up.
Say something along the lines of “Hey, I can’t stop thinking about what I said earlier. I just wanted to make sure that you’re really ok? Could we also talk about some things that I can do in the future to avoid the same mistake?”
I personally will never say no to someone who says that. I have anxiety and doing this has helped me a lot in the past. It’s something that my friends and I say to each other and it’s something that most people are going to be very responsive to. You’re showing a genuine interest in making things better not only for yourself, but the other person too.
And that’s the way it should be. Jokes should bring us together and help strengthen ties and make memories. But that doesn’t happen when we share jokes that hurt each other. So be aware. It’s ok to mess up, but the biggest thing is to own up and then work towards changing.
I think I was having lunch with Taika Waititi (probably influenced by the fact that I just saw him in OFMD yesterday) and at the end of lunch, he told me that he knows some spoilers for S3 of The Mandalorian. I immediately started slapping my ears while shouting "lalala" and walked away from him. But then I said to myself, "What am I doing? I'm deaf, " and proceeded to take my cochlear implants off.
It's a damn shame that didn't happen in real life because that would have been a top-tier comedy.
