#dealing with stuff

[scramratz]

Yes, I feel a deep, gut-wrenching sadness when I see cis men my age living happily. No, I'm not a trans man. What do you mean??

[fallingblueroses]

The bedroom was dark, but Geoff didn't need light as he lay on his side and watched his wife and son sleep. Kathy had an arm wrapped around William and was holding him close. The house was silent except for the hum of the air conditioner and the occassional car passing outside. They had decided to keep William home from school the next day and turned off their alarms for the morning. He doubted anyone expected them to be at PattyCake.

Kathy had calmed down immensely after she had her baby in her arms, and seeing Kathy calm had gone a long way toward calming Geoff's nerves. William had taken things far better than they'd expected. He'd stared at them for several seconds as he processed things, then he'd climbed into Geoff's lap and asked "So you can fly now?"

He'd had to laugh. "I don't know. I haven't tried." When he thought about it, it would be a shame to have wings like this and then they not work.

He and Kathy had both worked on reverting to their human form. For some reason it seemed to be easier for her even though, like Geoff, she couldn't hold it for long. William had simply watched in fascination before asking if he'd grow wings too. And again, all Geoff could say was that he didn't know.

He listened to his family breathing and nagging worries began to eat at him. What if the changes weren't done? What would happen to William if they became full dragons or demons or whatever? And even if they didn't, how would they explain this to their relatives? What about their work? And what if...what if they were taken away by some government agents or scientists for "study"? Geoff shuddered as he imagined himself and Kathy chained up in cells, being stuck with needles and having bits of tissue cut from them.

Stop. You'll drive yourself crazy. He took a deep breath and slowly released it before moving closer to his wife and son. He put an arm around them, then carefully brought one wing up to cover and protect his family and tucked his head in close to Kathy's.

He kept listening to them breathe as he fell asleep.

***

Geoff's body felt far calmer when he woke up the next morning. He drew his wing back and got out of bed, careful not to wake his family. Yesterday his wings had felt like sandbags hanging from his back, but as he stood up they felt lighter, more natural. He barely noticed the extra weight as he walked to the bathroom.

The horns weren't as frightening as they had been when he looked in the mirror. His eyes had gone from hazel to tawny, and his hair was fuller and longer, hanging past his shoulders. He studied his reflection for a long time, then looked down at his hands with their claws. Yesterday he'd been ready to cut the tips of his fingers off to get rid of the claws, but today...I guess I'm getting used to things...Wonder if I'll be able to play the piano with these...

His wings wouldn't quite fit in the shower comfortably, but he was able to hold his human form long enough to clean up. Once he was dressed he went to the kitchen to cook breakfast. He was absolutely ravenous, and he had to assume Kathy would be as well. They had plenty of food on hand for now, but... How am I supposed to get groceries like this? Maybe I can ask one of the guys to go shopping for me...

A few minutes later his phone beeped twice with notifications, and when Geoff checked his phone he saw the texts were from Layne. Hey Geoff. Look at this. There was a video attatched, titled "'Dragon Syndrome' Reported In 13 States".

He blinked as he played the video. The reporter was shown for a few seconds, then a map of the United States was displayed with various states marked in red. "Thirteen states have reported what is for now being called 'Dragon Syndrome', with people actually growing dragon-like wings, horns, and claws. There is very little information about this, but the Center for Disease Control is asking that anyone experiencing this go to the nearest emergency room for testing..."

Geoff growled to himself. Yeah, right. Not happening. If the government wants us they can come and get us. He wasn't sure if this made things better or worse. He couldn't help but think of how things had spiraled into insanity when the COVID pandemic had hit.

Another thought came to him. If it was some kind of virus...He texted Layne back. You're not growing wings, are you?

Nope. I'm fine.

Good. Hopefully the others were as well. Geoff put the phone away and kept making breakfast as his mind went over this new development.

***

After breakfast Geoff showed Kathy Layne's text, and Kathy looked up more articles as William helped Geoff clean the kitchen. "This one says it's in nineteen states now," she said from her seat at the kitchen table.

Geoff sighed as he rinsed a plate and handed it to William to put in the dishwasher. "Great. It's spreading."

Kathy frowned. "But if it's a disease of some kind, then a cure can be found."

"Yeah, but that could take years. I keep thinking about everything that could happen. People might panic, Kath. And if they do things are going to go to hell pretty quick."

"This isn't the Dark Ages, Geoff. People do crazy stuff to their bodies all the time. What we have is nothing compared to some of the pictures I've seen."

He pointedly flexed his wings. "Seen anyone walking around with wings lately? It just takes a few lunatics to get the pitchforks and torches going." A strong need to protect his wife and son rose in his chest. "And there are people who would stir up that kind of trouble just to watch stuff burn."

Kathy studied his face, then came up to him. "I know. But there's so many other things to think about. Why don't we worry about that when it starts to happen." She hugged him and rested her head on his chest.

Geoff sighed. "Right." He put his arm around her. A glance to the side showed William staring at them and he beckoned for him. William came up and hugged them both, and Geoff brought his wings up and around to cover them again. He wondered how that gesture had come so naturally to him, but decided not to think too hard about it. At least not right now.

[mammapagan]

Hello everyone, I just want to let y'all know that I'll be slow on commissions as I....I am dealing with a divorce, I'll tell my story later on but right now I just wanted to let y'all know that the commissions will take some time as....I am very depressed about this, I wanted the divorce not him, so please be patient with me, that will be greatly appreciated

[superlustersnew52]

I’ll be honest, this year has been nooooooooooot great for my mental health (for reasons I won’t get into), so my motivation to write has been steadily declining, so, apologies for never getting anything written. I’m still getting replies done when the inspiration strikes but muse is at an all-time low so it’s not often.

[tomorrowmydear]

This year was the first my brother and I brought partners home for Thanksgiving, and also the first since my grandmother died. That’s the way it goes. The table gets bigger to accommodate more people: partners then spouses then children of our own. The people change, the traditions shift. But I still feel her empty space.

[lyrishadow]

Stuff

Lately, I have been thinking about forgiveness and the widely held concept of forgiving and forget. I was talking to myself the other day and came up with a clear picture of things. Forgiving someone isn’t allowing them to keep hurting you. So here is a simple example: someone kicks you in the shin every day that they walk past you. You forgive them. (Whether they say sorry or not, I mean really, they no one would kick someone intentionally right?) [under cut because life is a long post]

You don’t sit with your shin out for your next kick… you move your shin accordingly so you are safe. Now just because you moved your leg doesn’t mean you don’t forgive the idiot for kicking you, it means you do what you need to do to make yourself safe.

OK, so that is over-simplified. Life is way more complicated. My own shins are bruised over and over and over… and I don’t even know if I can function sometimes. It’s where I am at this week. Hobbling with bruised shins only the shin is my heart/spirit and the bruise is definitely not a physical one.

In a nutshell, a simple phone call has had me in a twist. I don’t know what to say to him. I don’t know why he doesn’t understand that he has done damage and moving away from it is all I have left. The thing is I am also feeling guilty for not returning the missed call. So I am asking hubby to do so. I am in a knot. On top of that, I have pain, actual physical pain, from my neck which includes messing up my nerves in my left hand, and it’s a …. Well, it is. It’s not related to my past exactly, but it brings back memories that are better left buried, and I’m not sure if I even want to deal with that. CPTSD is not a fun thing. On top of that, we are broke. I need new glasses, brakes for the car, other things… you know the list goes on. Hubby is exhausted all the time from dialysis and I HATE asking him to sort things out but when my depression does its thing I want to quit everything; not be responsible, not be present dealing with the world. I want to curl into a ball and just… sleep until the world is better? But it never works well. I have no solution. I've shared here before, so I figured why not? I just want a moment where I can breathe without all this stuff feeling like it is sitting on top of me? At least life has a track record of keeping on, I'm clinging to that.

[queerlyillogical]

A writing prompt I gave myself

I was looking for something to get over writer’s block, stress, the flawedness of the universe and the system, etc... and a reason to procrastinate.

Anyway, I decided to take one phrase, and write a few short passages that end with it. None of them are related.

~won’t stop holding on~

My hands clutched assuredly at the cool wall in front of me as I searched for a foothold. I won’t ever stop loving this: the scrape of the mountain against my hands, the sun on my back where it was rain just half an hour ago, the scent of the earth, and the wind on my exposed neck. I won’t stop loving this, and I won’t stop holding on.

~

Even through the hard times; even through the never-ending days of thoughts and trials. Even when life seems to not be worth it; even when getting up in the morning feels insurmountable. Even though systems are flawed and people leave; even though you can’t imagine going on. No matter what, promise me you won’t stop holding on.

~

Three years ago, today. I think. It’s what they all tell me. All I can seem to do is lie in the dark clutching her drawing. The one of Leo at four years old. It was her favourite; it isn’t framed—she said it would ruin the authenticity, make it like all the other ones—, but it was always pinned to the wall facing our bed. My bed. And now it’s the only thing that makes me feel connected to her. A drawing, and memories. But I’ll keep them forever, and I won’t stop holding on to them.  ~

“When I was a teenager, I would’ve said that my life was going to turn out exactly the way that I wanted it to, because you can do anything with enough work, right? Now, I’m the happiest that I’ve ever been, so in a way, I would’ve been right. Except that I never thought that this is what would make me happy before I met you. I’d never been in love. Now I am, and I want that to last forever. I’ll always stand by you, through thick and thin; I’ll love you no matter what, even when I hate you. In short, I’m saying I do, and that I won’t ever stop holding onto you.” I would really appreciate any feedback and interpretations; I’ve definitely got a lot to improve upon in my writing, and these were pretty vague, so I’m interested to see what you thought they were about. I’d also love to know if I should do more of these.  For anyone going through a hard time, many of the messages in these—especially the second one—are important. Get help, talk to people, just don’t stop holding on.