#dear future beaux

[impalaradio]

Dear future beaux,

My darling, my sweet, would you be so kind as to tell me where the fuck you are? I realize why I hate the cold weather so much, because then it’s most prevalent just how deep into my body this lonely chill goes, down to the marrow.

I miss you so much, like I’m missing my very organs, I don’t know how I’m meant to carry on so empty? Yet here I am waking up every day to sew myself together for everyone to view just to wind up with all the stitches undone each night. An exhausting cycle of covering the gaping wound to no relief. And here we are again, with my only reprieve to come from your hands.

I have faith and trust and plenty of dust but I am agonized by your absence. I feel every moment of silence, an abyss all its own. I don’t mind being alone, though not my preference, and I don’t mind the dark, but the thing that will fill my heart with unease is silence. The lack of another’s breath, another’s heartbeat, it is the ultimate solitude.

Beaux quite frankly I am sick of this and if you love me at all (bc obvs u should by now) you will stop dilly dallying, I mean I get you have stuff going on too, but like darling, please, I’m begging, I can’t do this.

I’m falling to pieces and I don’t know if I can pick them up this time. I’m trying so hard to hold on and hold out hope but it’s draining every last bit of me to be alive and hope for better. Everything feels pointless without you.

If you could just be a little quicker my love, that would be fantastic, we’ve waited long enough.

I hope you are having good days and good foods, I hope your sleep is restful and rejuvenating and that every single night you dream about me.

With all my heart, forever.

Yours 💕

[impalaradio]

Dear future beaux,

My arms ache, both physically and metaphorically. I am desperate to hold you, to touch you, to feel the beat of your heart beneath my own fingers. My hands are cold, would you hold them between yours? I know you would.

I’m waiting for you so impatiently, I keep trying to find you everywhere, anywhere, I’m desperate darling, you make me lose my mind. I can’t lie to you and say I’ve been oh so patient and content in this time of waiting, ahaha oh my love you should know me better than that. I am eager for my lady to bring me you.

Beaux, can you tell me everything, anything, I want to know every obstacle that has kept you from me. I want to know every detail of the life you’ve journeyed without me.

Writing this has taken some time as I’m not sure what to say, every day I feel you getting closer and I just await your appearance. I am in a perpetual state of Christmas Eve, waiting for my present and the night just drags on. 

Maybe next year you’ll be here, you’ll be my official valentine, maybe you’ll be here to hold me in your arms and never let go. Sounds nice right? Yeah so hurry the fuck up!!! (I love you)

Anywhomst, I hope your evening is filled with warmth and comfort, and know I’ll bring you even more.

With all my love, forever.

Yours 💕

[impalaradio]

Dear future Beaux,

I have so very little to say that would be new information to you, but I’ll lament about it again because what else do I have to do?

My therapist says I’m not crazy, which I should find comforting, I should feel validated and heard and seen by that, that I have all this love to give and I’m not crazy for it, but I feel as though I’m losing my mind, like it’s a madness eating it’s way through my brain. It feels like a sickness I cannot shake, a forever missing feeling and it makes me ache.

I just want to hold you, I want to be held by you, I keep having dreams of us together, of what it would be like, and gods it’s the only moments of my day when I feel at ease, like there’s some semblance of peace.

I want soft and gentle and sweet and kind and affection and I just want goddamn love. I want you, I want you, my love. I am begging for you to read this and come to me and don’t leave me by myself for a moment longer, I’m shriveling without you. I only know how to cause destruction to myself.

Please, if the gods have any mercy, let me have my beaux back… I miss them so terribly.

I hope that you are having better days than I am and that each one brings you closer to me.

With all my heart, forever.

Yours 💕

[impalaradio]

Dear future beaux,

Is your heart aching? Is it thumping in your chest like a fist banging on a door? Have you had your fill of life without me? Do you lay in bed and feel the unbearable agony of my absence?

Because mine is. It does. I have. I do.

You’re missing. You’re missing from me and that is the only way I can possibly describe it, like something that’s been gone for so long but the absence is always evident and present.

I miss you.

Absence along with fondness also provides clarity, I have a clearer picture in my mind of what truly calls to me, and you, my dear, oh do you.

I’m hurting in such a way I know only you share the pain, only you know the sickly thing my heart has become.

Don’t force me to be alone for much longer, I beg you, I am pleading with you my dear please please please come to me.

I don’t know much, I can’t possibly be sure of the things in the future but I think the love we could share and create would be like nothing else seen before.

Please darling, don’t make me wait much longer.

With all my heart, forever.

Yours 💕

[impalaradio]

Dear future Beaux,

It’s approximately 1:30 AM, I lie here thinking about you, thinking about what you’d whisper to me right now, what you’d say. I wonder how soft you’d speak, your sweet warmth passing over my ear as you say… something, anything, I wish you would say anything to me, I want to hear your voice, it affects me like no other.

The fan spins and it’s cold, the only remedy would be you. My heart aches and the only remedy is you. All I want is to find the tenderness I know is waiting in your embrace. I don’t know how everything will work out but I know that I know that I know that if allowed, everything will help me grow to be better.

I think the universe has an interesting way of aligning things, and I sit here watching piece after piece being placed together. Maybe this was always how it had to happen, maybe it could’ve been different but then again does it matter? Does anything else matter as long as we embrace each other and jump together? Can we build the solid unshakable foundation with only our determination and commitment? Can we build a space where loving and being loved is safe? I want to open my heart up and let you examine every inch of it, take in every scar and wound and love me anyway.

Please love me anyway.

I need you, I am overcome with such an ache my eyes sting and nose burns.

I hope more than anything in the world you are sleeping peacefully and dreaming sweet little dreams of me.

With all my heart, forever.

Yours💕

[impalaradio]

Dear Future Beaux,

I think about you more than anything, more than any other thoughts inside my brain, you are constant, ever present, watching over my day, invading my mind, constantly bouncing around inside my skull.

I am plagued by you, by dreams of you, nightly. You are there, always. And when I wake up and you’re not next to me it makes me so aware of the hollow spot in my chest because I can’t hold you yet, and god I want to hold you. I thought I’d always want to be the little spoon but for you, oh for you my darling I will be any utensil, as long as it’s for you.

I would be anything for you.

I want to be everything for you.

I want you.

I am begging that you want me too, that you want me as bad as I want you.

Are you begging for me yet?

Are you waiting?

Have you gotten on your knees and pleaded?

Will you?

Come to me and tell me how desperate you are for all of my love, how you can’t stand the idea of any one else getting even one more smidge of me. Tell me you love me. Tell me you’re mine. Tell me it’s always been me, because it’s always been you.

With all my heart, forever.

Yours 💕

[impalaradio]

Dear future Beaux,

You make me smile more than I ever have. You invade my thoughts, always, and I can’t help but crack into a grin. I want to be near you, I want to be as close as possible, touching always, never apart. Practical? Hardly, but I’m clingy I think that’s pretty obvious.

Some days I think you still don’t know I exist, sometimes I think you’ve given up on the idea of love and you’ll never come to me. Some days I know magic is real and it’s working and you’re drawing close to me. Some days my trust is unshakeable. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with how much I feel about you, how much I feel for you.

I want to tell you everything about me, I have no fear telling you who I am, you don’t make me feel as though I need to hide the scars, I don’t need to lighten my darkness, shrink my pain, I know it’s not all going to be easy, or maybe then again it will, but I know that I will be able to tell you everything.

I just want you to hold me, I think about that far too often but I think if I got hugged by you, held by you, on the daily I truly believe it would fix me. Again, clingy. Deal with it.

Never forget at my core I am stubborn and sassy and will 100% be so easy to get a rise out of. You’ll figure out all the right buttons to push and you’ll press them like a goddamn stenographer.

I miss you. I hope you miss me. Pray for it actually. I beg Aphrodite to carry my longing to you, to make you realize just how badly I want you. I want you to want me just as much, pray for that too. Just love me already goddamnit!! Fuck I hope you’ll fall for me.

I can’t wait to call you mine.

With all my heart, forever.

Yours 💕

[impalaradio]

Dear future Beaux,

It is finally warm, there’s birds chirping, there’s the sound of wind rushing past my screen and making the pretty glass tinkle a lovely tune with each gust.

The sun stays high in the sky now for many hours and I finally feel as if the long breath I’ve been holding all winter is starting to release…

Then again it is April which is my personal hell month but hey at least it’s above freezing and hasn’t snowed this week.

I miss you. Still. Always do. I hope you’re having as enjoyable weather as I am. Or better. I always want the best for you.

Wouldn’t it be lovely to go on a picnic? (The ground is probably still frozen and if not it’s mush so ideal not here on this grass but like somewhere on some grass) One day we’ll lay on a big blanket and bask in the sun, sound good?

Wherever you are whatever your weather, know my heart is always with you.

With all my heart, forever.

Yours 💕