#dear mal

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[dear-sankta]

Dear Malyen,

fuck you

strong letter to follow

[dear-sankta]

Dear Mal,

I’ve only decided to write to you again after a long talk with a friend. He listens so well, as he always has. We are out on the sea, though this time we aren’t on the search for a sea dragon or on the run from a shadow summoner.

When we were in Keramzin together again, I truly was a ghost. I thought that I had had to give up a part of myself to be with you, and I was stuck with unfinished business, forced to walk the halls of our childhood home in numb dissonance. I can understand why, when given the chance, you went after Masha.

I learned what it meant to lose you before, but at the time I didn’t realize what impact that would have on me, that losing you wasn’t something I could afford. For the longest time, I ran from the very thought of you, but kept you close with the one piece of you I had left.

Since then, I have grown.

I have discovered the joy of friends again, and the joy of being my whole self again.

It took losing you to regain that part of me, but I do not feel guilty. We were never of the same line, never meant to go past the boundaries we did.

I’ve spent most of the day relearning the paths of my powers before I gave them up for you. Now that I’ve let your pain go, it is like the beast has woken up again.

It’s with Nikolai that I’ve discovered I have control over the stars’ light too. Here, on the sea, it’s so easy to feel the way it fills me like water.

I finally feel at peace, Malyen.

I am not under the control of anyone.

My power is my own again. Now that I have it back, I have a shadow summoner to find.

I hope that you find your power with Masha.

- Alina

[dear-sankta]

Dear Mal,

As I’m sure you know by now, I’m staying in Os Alta, for at least a while. I’ve greatly missed seeing all of the maids odd looks at me, and I’ve also missed seeing every child’s gleeful response to your rock skipping abilities; however I believe I fit better here.

I’ve taken to my old quarters once more, though the guard is different. Life in the little palace is… interesting. Sun streams through the halls at all hours of the day, with sun summoners playing in the dark and testing their skills in the light. They remind me of when I first was able to properly summon when here, and considering most of them worshipped me, they believe that they hold a part of me inside of them which is invaluable. I’m not sure how to feel about such occurances.

Zoya has given me a new Kefta officially- though it is no longer threaded with gold. My cuffs now bare white- a barren color that I requested. They insisted on giving me at least a slight hue to it, Genya suggesting a gentle pink hue to match the blotchy color that appears when I am caught near the lake’s edge at night. I wanted white to show what I am now: barren.

Now, do not take this with grief- I do not mean it that way in the slightest. Nikolai found me on the dock of the lake, at the very end the other night. We had a long talk about you, Keramzin, my griefs and strifes. I spoke of how I wanted to go back to see you, how I wanted to look for The Darkling once more. I contemplated falling into his arms in a dramatic flurry, but decided against it. Through it all, he patiently listened, till he finally said,

“You can not heal in the same environment where you got sick, Alina.”

In that moment, it felt like when I first truly rediscovered my power- and it almost felt like I had once more. I felt the moonlight dancing on my skin, but there was none to be found, at least from what I could tell. Nikolai said nothing, but only held me by my shoulder. We sat there till day break, and when I next woke I was in my bed.

That single sentence reminded me why I was here, why I felt drawn to here. Throughout it all, this was where I flourished. Not at Keramzin, not in the Skurzoi, not with The Darkling, not with anyone (aside from Nikolai, perhaps.)

I’ve hidden parts of myself away from everyone, even myself, till I sat in Baghra’s shack, unleashing my light for the first time of my own bidding. I d not have to hide from anyone anymore, not even myself.

My home has changed many times, for an orphan has no true home- but an orphan can make a home time and time again. If you can find it in you to visit, I’d love to see you. If not, I understand. You, too, now have a home, and I don’t expect you to leave.

Best Wishes,

Alina

[dear-sankta]

Dear Mal,

Not even two hours ago did I get the massive pile of letters from all of my available suitors, and thus I will be making a choice for a new husband. 

However, the one that stuck out most was yours. I was a bit harsh in my first letter back to you, and Nikolai insisted I respond before breaking down in tears.

I personally believe that before I left, you still viewed me as your best friend. I know you loved love me, but I feel like perhaps it isn’t the all encompassing, singled out love I anticipated. I’m guilty of the same thing, which is why I decided on leaving.

I told you previously that everything you did was for me, and only for me. I realize now how wrong I was in that. I’m certain that loving others was not, in fact, for me, and it’s a bit self centered to think of myself in that way. 

In reality, you and I both have hearts too big for our own bodies- we are not meant to care for just one. If you could find it in you not to hate me as time goes on, I would like to come see you and start things over. You never held interest past me for girls who only wanted a quick night of fun, but perhaps we can both find love in other ways than each other. 

In my travels, I have found myself thinking of you. I also have been thinkin of The Darkling. I also have been thinking of Nikolai, and every other person who you and I have cared for. 

Perhaps what we both needed was a family- one that included more of the same kind of love, and more of a different type. I am to understand that you and Masha are not yet engaged, but that you two are happily together. I do not want to intrude on that, but I also know I love you, truly. I want you to be happy with her, but I wonder if there is still place for me to be happy with you, as a trio?  

Perhaps I’m being selfish in these thoughts, but I can’t help but be comforted by the idea of having the love of you and Nikolai, and you having the love of Masha and myself. It feels right, having each other together as a family of our own. 

I’ll be staying in Os Alta for a while, so if you’d like to visit or want to write back, please do. I’ll keep an eye on the mail each day for a letter from you.

Best Wishes With Only The Deepest Care Behind It,

A. S.

[dear-sankta]

To Whom It May Concern, Because Rest Assured, It Is Not Me,

I’m heading into the tsbeya. I know I will recognize the mountains, recognize their peaks. I may even see an empty space where the top of one once existed. Do you remember?

Do you remember our kiss shared in the moonlight?

Do you remember the wonder you had over my power?

He was wrong, you know. You never feared me, not truly- but you did pity me, and you did look at me like a doll, played to another’s content. Perhaps your own, all things considered, as I was certainly not in control around you.

I thought it good of me to trek through the cold. The grief I’ll be putting myself through is hardly a decision I will regret in the end (though I may regret it in the middle.) At least if the cold kills me, I will be perfectly preserved. That, or a stray nichevoya (Perhaps our dearest king?) will fly to me and pick at me so when I am discovered, I’m found minus an arm.

If I’m lucky, I’ll have another little part of the merzost running through my veins, and I can have a second life like you, little born-again tracker. Given the choice, I’d much rather be reborn a bird, but I suppose living again in this crumpled body wouldn’t be too bad.

I write to you because I feel I have no one else to tell, and I know you will not be able to come find me. I can feel it in my bones. I can feel that distant thud, that gentle tug. It’s nowhere near what I want it to be, (or maybe I don’t want it to be at all? they’re fickle things, my wants.) but I can’t let go of that feeling.

I personally think I’ve just gone daft, what with my only real contact with life recently being with wolves, but even they have shied away from me recently.

Burn this letter when you get it, don’t open it at all, I don’t care. I just can’t hold onto it alone, because it’s killing me to keep holding onto the hand of the shadows without a light in sight.

-Alina

[dear-sankta]

Dear Mal,

When we first were in Keramzin, I remember sitting in the cart with you on butter week. I had leaned out too far and nearly tumbled out- but you grabbed me and pulled me close. You laughed and told me to be careful, because I was too pretty to make a mess on the ground with my crushed limbs. Ana Kuya swatted you for that comment- and despite the odd nature of it, I blushed. If I had known I would make a habit of being nearly crushed under wheels, I would have warned you. 

I never got a chance to thank you for that day. 

The very next day we skipped rocks on the pond, and I pondered telling you I loved you. 

I thought happy memories would do us both well.

Signed,

A. S.

[dear-sankta]

Dear Mal,

I’ve been putting off this letter.

I know I said I would write every stop I made, but I obviously haven’t done that. 

Before, I didn’t know where to begin, but now I don’t know what to say. 

To start off: I’m in Os Alta. I was contemplating coming to Keramzin to see you... before deciding against it.

I have been holding a resentment towards you since I left, for everything that you took away from me. I know I should hate you for all you did. I know I should hate him for all he did. I had the first love stolen from me, time and time again, and then I had my innocence stolen from me, and then my free will, my abilities, and then my husband. 

I left because I saw you and Masha a week before. 

Long ago, when we were in the Tsibeya, you said you finally saw me. It took me till the night before I left to realize you were wrong and that you never have, never will. What you saw was the same best friend I was for all the time I knew you. 

You were right about one thing, though. Everything you did, you did for me, including loving me. I’ve realized now that it never was of your own doing. Masha and you are good together- she’s normal, happy. She has never haunted the halls of Keramzin like I did. She has all of the smiles you deserve, she does not wake up in a cold sweat, remembering your death before your rebirth. She does not feel the cold spot in her soul where the sun once took place, now not even filled by shadows, a gaping hole instead.

I hope this is all readable, because between my shakey hand and my blurry eyesight, and ink being splotched by my tears, I feel like it isn’t. 

I hope you’re happy. I’m sorry that I didn’t send you mail till now. 

Enclosed are my engagement ring and wedding ring. Use them to marry Masha. Make her a very, very happy girl. 

Best Wishes,

Nadine Petrushev, formerly known as Valentina Oretsev, formerly known as Alina Starkov