Finn frowned at the question. “But I didn’t tell you so.”
“You should have done.”
He shook his head desperately, almost distressed. “No, I shouldn’t.” His voice cracked and Wren’s eyes closed.
“Okay,” she said quietly.
Finn stared at his knees. The months stretched out behind them, a jumble of unhappiness, loneliness and confusion. If he didn’t know better, he’d think that there were gaps in his memory and that somewhere in those gaps were the answer behind Wren’s distance all this time, but the way she had been about her boyfriend - now ex - somehow made it worse. The mysterious bloke she never gave him a chance to get to know, even meet, and it cut Finn to the core. He even knew what she meant now - that he had so many times got so close to pointing out the similarities, that it had felt as if she had been abandoning him for him and that the fact that she was keeping him such a secret couldn’t be a good thing, but any mention of Jen had always spoilt the conversation, and so he had avoided it like the plague. The point was, though, he wasn’t about to start bragging that they were broken up. He hadn’t even known the bloke well enough to dislike him - or known him at all - and at least whatever had happened between them didn’t seem to have really involved any hurt. Only a couple falling apart as things changed naturally.
“Are you okay?” he asked.
She only nodded. “He was… You know.”
Finn frowned. “I know what? I never even met him.”
“Of course you-” she took a deep breath in, cutting herself off as if she had said something sheshouldn’t have, and Finn was left frowning even harder. “Of course you didn’t. I know.”
There it was. That strain again, and the feeling as if she was keeping something from him. Before he could ask, though, she was looking up at him again with a strange mix of curiosity and something else he couldn’t identify. “If you’d met him, would you have tried?”
The question made no sense to Finn. “Of course.”
“Would you have shook his hand?”
Once again, a frown appeared on his forehead. “Why? We haven’t fought. What did I do?”
Her eyes lifted to the ceiling and she laughed without much humour. “Nothing. It’s just a question. You said I didn’t feel like your best friend anymore. A couple of months ago.”
“I was just being—”
“Don’t say stupid. It came from somewhere, and I know I spent more time with him, but you think this is healthy? Us getting jealous when we spend time with other people?”
He stared at her. It was not something he had ever thought about before, and now his face started to crumble.
“Shit. Finn, I don’t mean—”
“I didn’t say that because I’m— At least I don’t think it’s— I just don’t like feeling like you’d put so many other people above me. That’s not best, then.”
“Who? Sturgis?”
“No. I mean, yes, maybe, I don’t know, I don’t know who else you’ve been hanging around all this time, but not— It’s different when you hang around with someone to when—” he sighed, frustrated that he didn’t know how to explain it. “Okay, like when I was going to jump the bridge and I came to you to stop me thinking it and then Marlene came in to talk to you about Duelling Club so then she was more interesting and less annoying so you-”
“Finn.”
She sounded annoyed and Finn gulped, falling silent. This was exactly what he had been trying to avoid for so long now, and as her fist came in contact with his shoulder, he barely flinched.
“That was ages ago,” she said. “We talked about that.”
“I know. But that doesn’t mean it’s the only time. It just keeps happening, and everyone else is more important, and it doesn’t matter that I’m supposed to be your best friend, and every time it happens—”
“You think of then.”
A sigh of sadness was shared between them as understanding finally, after so many months, was reached.
“That’s why you reacted like that.”
“When?” Finn racked his brain, trying to work out what she was talking about, but honestly there were too many moments.
“It—” She sighed. “It doesn’t matter. It shouldn’t have happened.”
“I’m sorry.”
“No, I’m sorry.”
Finn allowed himself a smile. “Can we both be sorry?”
“I suppose,” she retorted.
Things felt good again, the two of them on the Frazers’ sofa, laughing at themselves. Finn dropped his head on her shoulder, needing the closeness from the person who came nearest to a sister for him.She was right, it might not be healthy how jealous he sometimes got when she spent time with other people, and it was a flaw in his character he wished he knew how to fix, but as long as there was never any question about who was first in their lives - a term which was already muddied by families,and Dirk and Mina - then Finn had no issue.
Don't mind me while I drown in feels. I read the letter that you wrote me. Almost breaking down in public isn't really a good thing. I would say that I cried, but that would be lying. I barely cry. Last time I cried was last Tuesday when we put our dog down. Before that, I can't even recall the last time.. Wren, whenever you need me. I'll be here. I don't want you to hurt yourself. I'm happy to know someone that also suffers from anxiety, I'm not entirely sure what yours is like.. I do hope that it is nothing compared to mine.
I know how you feel with unforeseeable breakups. I've been through them twice, each of these guys, I was deeply in love with. Both of them broke me in ways unimaginable. Even after the breakup, they hurt me in ways that are just ways that probably make me lose my trust in guys, yet I fall in love with guys..time after time. If I even told you what happened, you would be hurt as much as I am still to do this day..
I want to meet the person who believes in me, the person who listens and loves SPG because of me, and I want to just give her the biggest hug that ever came from my arms. Just to embrace you and thank you for everything. I have followed you ever since I got a tumblr. You've become one of my best friends and with you living in Michigan, the chance to meet is even bigger.
I look forward to our Skype video call date tonight, I'll have Judgmental Lincoln Head with me. We've grown so close and that makes me happy. I want to have coffee with you, make forts, see SPG when they come to Michigan, and watch the SPG DVD.
I believe that I was strong during the time that I didn't cut, but at the same time.. I didn't feel strong enough. I always felt like I knew that eventually that I was gonna break. Did I know that it was gonna be five days after my five months? No. I never knew. I wish it could have been later. I wish that I never started counting the days and the months.
Maybe we'll have our own ice cream parade, we can't forget any of the ingredients like the fresh salsa in our quesadillas. Or the souuurrr cream. Please, Wren. Whenever you need me, text me. I'll either continue texting you, call you, or get on my computer as soon as I can and video call your pretty face. I know that I probably keep repeating myself, but I have an awful memory and repeating it helps me remember. Also, I just like saying certain things twice, like: I care about you and that I am always here.
Losing you would be one of the worst things to happen. You mean so much, I rather not lose anyone else. I worry too much about losing other people. It scares me. I don't want to have to push you away. I've lost too many people and I've pushed too many people away. I love you. Thank you for being there.
