Dearest Ailsa,
I wonder how your name is pronounced. In my head it’s kinda like Elsa from Frozen. You’re turning 21 soon! That’s an exciting age to be, and also somehow a real start to “adulting”. It’s going to be beautiful and pathetic at the same time and you’ll just figure your path to the more beautiful stuff in time. Things I want to tell myself at 21. This is a list I made when I was 20, soon to be 21. Perhaps you can relate to some of it.
Also, happy birthday month! I hope it’s filled with all the little and big things that make your heart happy. Especially because I know the last few months, perhaps even a year, might have not been the easiest for you. That’s the thing right…that’s the thing about love-like things. We never know until the end if it is going to be love or heartbreak. And more often than not, it’s the latter. And when that happens to you, everything can seem meaningless. Everything can feel numb. That’s actually why I am doing this – The Love Project.
I was in love a very, very long time ago. And then I was hurt by someone I trusted more than I trusted myself. He hurt me intentionally. I’ve grown up now and it’s been so long but I still can’t seem to make my peace with it. I don’t know the meaning of love anymore, not of romantic love anyway. That’s why I asked you – what does the word love mean to you – because when I think of it, I can only think of pain. I know that’s not true, damn, I know. But it’s going to take me a while longer and perhaps that’s okay. I do hope you don’t hurt for this long. I know how miserable it can be to have everything seem alright externally but still feel this inexplicable pain internally and not be able to talk about it with anybody. I think after a point, no one gets it. After a point we don’t get it either.
But all I can say to you write now is:
You can’t go back to good times but better times will come. New memories will be made.
Even if it doesn’t feel like it right now.
And your answer for what is the meaning of love – it’s so simple, so pure. And so damn rare too. But, yes. Your answer also reminded me of a quote from one of my favourite movies – you must watch it if you haven’t yet – Before Sunrise.
I believe if there’s any kind of God it wouldn’t be in any of us, not you or me but just this little space in between. If there’s any kind of magic in this world it must be in the attempt of understanding someone sharing something. I know, it’s almost impossible to succeed but who cares really? The answer must be in the attempt.
And so we must keep attempting. Because what is this life without some magic? What is this life without love? Nothing. Also about saying I love you to people, you’re right.
Sometimes it can feel like the most awkward thing to say to people even if you love them. I went through the struggle myself and, in fact, still do. I sometimes wonder – do I really love this person A? And what about person B and C and D? These people can be friends, family, lovers, co-workers, people on the internet. But then I think, if I do love all of them but none of them in the same way, then is it all love? Does love have no standard feeling? How do we know it’s love? And can we love only when we are loved. It all gets so confusing.
But I think that’s because everyone talks about love so much and they never shut up (guilty!) and there’s so much attached to this one word – other people’s experiences, what books and movies say, our parents’ relationship with each other, our past experiences – that it becomes so hard to derive our own meaning out of it. What do you think? I wish sometimes I could drop the word love altogether and come up with a new word instead. Maybe we should do that. But until then, you don’t have to. You don’t have to say I love you to people until it comes out naturally. I do think we all need a break from those 3 words to derive our own meaning of it anyway.
And oh my gosh. Keep singing in your sleep and acting all cute because what might be cringey to others is hilarious to us and we must keep ourselves happy and entertained! I strongly believe in that.
All my love,
Nikki
PS Eat an extra slice of cake on your birthday for me, and I hope you have a sweet and heartfelt day. And I truly hope that the coming here as loads and loads of moments when you feel absolutely loved and precious.
Guys, February is 29 days of love letters. I’m writing love letters, as part of The Love Project, and if you’d like me to write one to you, drop me an email at [email protected]
I wrote this letter for Ailsa based on some questions she answered. You can read her answers here.