#dearmartha

[bunnyvictorious]

Dear Martha: We need to have a talk.

So, Martie girl, I've been mightily stressed out lately.  I mean work from eight a.m. until nine p.m., gym for an hour, dance in the a.m., econ problem sets I can't begin to get my head around, non fiction reading up the wazzoo and not even on zim or intel, Bill in the field, mama and her foot, puppy being at camp red run, my dad being (I think) clinically depressed... and wham.  Thoroughly stressed out.

So I've been toodling.  Toodling around your site, wondering what your recommendations are.  In food, in lifestyle, in health and wellness.  When I made a slightly upsetting discovery.

Everything related to my personal well-being on your site seems to involve walking.

Now don't get me wrong.  I love a good walk.  I just had no idea you were going to, say, give me directions on how to do it.

You vaguely remind me of my former stepmom.

First, there are strategies for walking.  This is new for me, as my only strategy for walking is getting from Point A to Point B.  Or for Puppy to do his business.

But apparently there are so many more strategies for walking I just hadn't thought of.  There's walking for weight loss (walk to the gym), walking for better posture (just stand up straight!), walking for inspiration (walking past Saks and deciding to use my plastic?), and walking for stress relief (hurrying home from work to a glass of wine).

Obviously my strategies are all wrong.

If you're walking for weight loss, you should apparently be walking for 20 to 30 minutes three times a week.  I've got news for you.  If you're trying to lose weight and you're contemplating a walk for 20 minutes three times a week, you probably ought to just invest in either the size higher jean or a makeover to land you a place on the Next Biggest Loser.  A title I've always found rather ironic, if we're being honest.

Then there's walking for better posture.  I'm not going to even pretend to give this the time of day because it's just plain ludicrous.  Here's how you have better posture: you stand up straight.  If you're remotely confused by what that means, line yourself up like this: your earlobes should be above your shoulders.  Your shoulders should be above your hips.  Your hips should be above your ankles.  And then throw your shoulders back.  Congratulations, you are now standing up straight.  This also shouldn't warrant explanation, but at least I'm not suggesting "strategies for better posture."  Or relating a whole post to it.  Because then I'd be signing myself up for the biggest Loser.

Now walking for inspiration just sounds dreamy to me.  

It also sounds like you're dreaming.  Where in New York City am I supposed to experience this?  Does inspiration hit before the homeless guy peeing behind the car or after I've been run over by a middle-aged woman on a scooter on the sidewalk?  

Let me tell you what kind of walk I find inspiring.

The kind that involves my toes in the IOP sand, Billiam holding my hand, and us drinking sweet carolina + lemonade as the sun goes down over Charleston.  It inspires me to do all sorts of things: walk on more sand, drink more sweet carolina, do more than hold his hand... 

But he's not here.  And neither is the sweet carolina or the lemonade.  There is a notable amount of IOP sand in my pocketbook, though.

I don't think this is what you've intended as "walking for inspiration." But it works for me.  Also, it's weight-loss inducing because it's walking (healthy), on the beach (don't wanna leave), and with B  (really, you're going to have to pry me away).  So there's no Raleigh Grabbing A Frozen Twix or Ten from the freezer.  So, see? Super healthy.  It's also a huge stress relief.  As there's nothing about the beach, bill, and sweet carolina that's even remotely stressful.  And the cell reception is still (and hopefully always will be) crap on the island, so my stresses cannot contact me.  When you can't see something, it doesn't exist.  I swear.

You, on the other hand, are apparently hands-over-your-eyes about the kind of lives most of us lead.  I bet the poor, overworked editorial assistant whose job is really "blogging about walking" probably had a real hoot over this.  When was the last time she got to go for a long, stress-relieving walk by a lake?

Find a quiet place, you say.

Take it easy, you say.

Breathe away tension, you say.

Invite me to Westchester and give me a job, I say.  

But you don't stop there.  There's a Walking for Fitness page where you urge us to "take walking seriously."

Let me tell you, weighed down with five eco bags, a dog, my pocketbook, inevitably my nalgene falling out of something, and the three flights up the stairs to my apartment standing in front of me?  Trust me.  I take it seriously.

There's even a suggestion to walk for meditation.  Quietly.  Be content to wander!  Truth be told, I completely agree with the basis of this: you need to be able to be alone with yourself.  You need to be forced to face your thoughts.  However.  Quietly? Content to wander? 

I know where you live.  You know where I live.  How on earth is that a viable suggestion.

In point of fact, you have fifteen different pages of search results for "walking."  But I'm going to make use of my favorite walk you didn't even mention: I'm going to get up and take a walk for Pink Berry.  Because apparently I'll be so busy being inspired, relieved of stress, better-postured, and weight-lossed that I'll totally deserve some lychee frozen yogurt.  Better post on THAT, Martie.

Just... a helpful strategy suggestion.

Love,

RBBV

[bunnyvictorious]

Dear Martha: The Dog Ate My Homework

Dear Martha:

I just wrote you a long, long, long fabulous hilarious hysterical post.  About a subject so ridiculous I could not even believe how frequently you post on it.

It was fully of seething wit!  Scintillating observations!  Profound awesomeness of awesomely profound proportions!

It was everything.

It was the post to end all posts.

And then tumblr ate it.

He's a wild tumbeast.  The dog ate my homework.

I'll make it up to you tomorrow.

RBBV

[bunnyvictorious]

Dear Martha: Going Vegan

So, Martha!  Vegan for a day!*

Round these hallowed halls, Marthalady, you'd be big news today if anybody knew.  {Undergraduates don't spend a lot of time watching your television show, but I promise they'd approve.  Going vegan is such a college rage.}

Now that being said, I realize I just alienated about a hundred readers.  At least.

Including my brother, Danny.  Who may or may not be a vegan.  Or a vegetarian with bacon days.  Or something.

All you vegan readers, Ra for you.  Seriously.  I'm always impressed by things requiring so much sacrifice and commitment, and trust me, either you never had great meat, or you aren't aware of the sacrifice involved.  I think it's laudable when done right.  When you tell me you're a vegan and you're wearing leather soled shoes, I will probably ask if you ever read Gizmodo.

Or if you ever use any of the above materials.  

That being said, I  have some friends who are vegan and who are totally baller about it and are more eco-friendly than the founder of Greenpeace could ever fathom you being.  [Truth: you don't have to go shoeless anymore. You can now wear Tom's!  Just not the glitter ones, because if you read the detailing, the above list makes it sort of not-count.]

Anyway, I do have plenty of friends who are vegan and ra-for-them.  I'm glad you even got a Martha show on the subject.  Do any of you spend your time watching a show that frequently addresses how to get your Thanksgiving Turkey the perfect golden brown and still moist?  Or the proper instructions for putting up DIY wallpaper on your cement walls? Or the thousand-uses-of-emery-boards?

I mean, come on.  If anyone could do something with emery boards, Martha, it would be you.

There were three recipes in today's episode, and the one pictured above is the only one I found even moderately acceptable too.  

It's parsley leaves with pine nuts, olives, and orange dressing.  Admittedly, the idea of a parsley salad is kind of throwing me.  Parsley is a garnish! is on repeat through my head.  But you know what?  I'm always left with tons of parsley at the end of the summer, so this year, I promise to not just garnish extra much, I promise to actually try it.  I'm not, however, going to the market to buy a big thing of parsley because then what on earth am I going to do with all that leftover parsley in my frigid-aire!

I'm going to leave the recipes there because the fruit and nut bars didn't involve sweetened condensed milk (which I deem a necessity) and the bourguignon was seitan-based and honestly, lady, I've only found one vegan recipe I really like, ever:

It's a salad dressing.  It involves lemon, pepper, firm tofu, and garlic all blended up with some cilantro.  It's insanely delicious... on top of grilled chicken in the summer.

Also it's maddeningly delicious if you add in some cream cheese.

Let's keep in mind who you're dealing with here.

But!  This show had some awesome parts I want to highlight: First...

Cute farm animals!

Yes, this day of no meat and - worse - NO CHEESE or eggs or yogurt or CHEESE - is saved by... cute baby farm animals!

So, there's this place called Farm Sanctuary that does awesome things for animals who had not-so-awesome things done to them.  Like they got left at auction because they weren't sold and weren't gonna.  Or they had a broken leg or a busted uterus and were of no good to the bossman and got tossed into a dempsty-dumpster (they say this is possible; I, for one, can't imagine throwing a cow into a dempsty-dumpster at all).  But anyway, they come to the rescue and save these precious things and then they get to romp and play and be adorable farm animals on a farm!

And they even have names!  Clearly no one's eating these.  Because you can never name something you eat.  But she was the runt of the litter, so she was never going to be eaten anyways.  Now she's adorable non-bacon on a farm. Yay Petunia!

This is Romeo.  He's no longer a park goose.  Now he's a farm goose.  I want to gobble him up in the non-eating sense he's just so cute.  

This is Noel.  Some a$$hole was driving his car upstate and got pulled over by a cop and then, in the ticket-writing process, the cop heard what he sounded like was a baby crying... from the trunk.  Noel had been hog-tied and left in there without food or water (and animals defecate either way, idiot driver) and without any air besides the normal trunk air (which is just horrible) and the cops saved her and now she's munching on hey!  Don't worry Noel.  I won't make you a curry.  Because you have a name.

Enough of the cute animals... on to cute glitter projects!

Glitter.  Wall.  Art.  I'm sorry Billiam, I warn you in advance: our kids' walls will have glitter art on it.  At least the girls.  And maybe a cowboy boot in a boys's room?  Maybe? Maybe?  Maybe you'll be gone on deployment and it'll just happen while you're gone and then it'll be there and it'll be like how I'm painting black beauty pale blue.  Or pink.   {Not really; he'd kill me.**}

Anyway, I think this is brillig.  Only I'm not sure what it has to do with Vegan Day  unless we're glittering veggies on the wall.  And not like roasted broccoli with butter and parm on top.  Like... here, here's a cauliflower.  A glittery, sparkly cauliflower.  And some chard.  But not the zucchini.  It didn't put in the effort.

But this seems like a pretty harmless, awesome sparkle craft.  So I'm all for it.  I just hope that your glue - like Elmer's - is cruelty-free and... vegan.

I'm writing this eating some chicken and cottage cheese, just for the record.  With some non-organic carrots and snap peas.  I'm poor.  That stuff's more expensive, seriously.  

But Vegans, don't hate... I *do* try to eat local.  So there's that.***

Love,

RBBV 

* Where "day" means episode because, realistically, that's all you promised.  And if you got off the show and thought hey! I'll do this! Ra for you.  If you got off the air and said GIMME SOME BACON, well, lady, between us? All is forgiven.  Even those faberge easter eggs.  Which are awfully hard to forgive.

** Seriously maybe...

*** Very local.  The venison we ate all winter long is, um, exceptionally local to Billiam.  And I know it was living a very good life.  Before he shot it.

[bunnyvictorious]

Dear Martha: Regional Wedding Favors

I thought this would be a fitting post since, starting tomorrow, I'm going to be gone for the rest of the week... at a regional wedding!

And since I just love, adore, die of happiness over my region and all its offerings,regional favors sounds like a fabulous idea to me.

Here's New York your way:

New York my way:

Miniature guitars a la subway mariache.

Maple sugar candies from Vermont, yours:

Vermont my way:

Snow pushers!

Salt water taffies from New Jersey, yours:

Jersey, mine:

With a complimentary bump-it for female guests, too.

Caramel corn from Nebreska, you say?

A plane ticket away from Nebreska, I say.

Chocolate and peanut butter buckeyes from Ohio, yours:

I lived in Ohio.  Mine:

Alaska, yours:

Chocolate fish.

Mine:

  I mean who doesn't like a bobble-head!  {Also, who gets married in Alaska?} You say pecan pralines from Louisiana:

I say I'm gonna crash the wedding.

You say peach preserves and grits from Georgia:

I say you can get that anywhere.  What you should really be giving out are big cups of boiled peanuts and co-cola.  Because unless you live in the South or buy kosher, you're not getting real coke.

Trust me.  I'm very knowledgable here. Incidentally, you use the exact same image for SC.  What's with that?

I say you don't know Dixie.  But I'm going there tomorrow, and I'll let you know what we get.  I guarantee there will be something from Birlant's coming home with me.   Until then, y'all, I'll be mostly MIA until Monday.  Everyone have a great week!

Whistlin Dixie,

RBBV

[bunnyvictorious]

Dear Martha: Thank You for Making My Day

Seriously, M-girl.  You really did.  I've been sitting here crunching numbers all day, and do you know what just lifted my little head with balloons of happiness?  {Picturing that, it seems like something out of a Shel Silverstein illustration.}

TODAY'S WAG.  THE FASHION PETS CONTEST WINNERS!!!

OMGOMGOMG.  First of all, let's address the fact that dogs in clothing is ridiculous.  Glam dogs in pageant clothing is even more ridiculous.  There's no way anyone's doing this with a straight face except maybe this little hua and her (i hope) owner.

Second, let's proceed to Toodles and Tiaras our way through the finalists.

Hello, Mischa!

Mischa's Wow Wear says "you know what they say about the size of a man's feet..." And clearly, he's stylin.

Our next contest is Ralph.

Ralph enjoys table scraps, digging for bones, kicking up the dirt after his done his business, and clearly a bigger dog's hand-me-downs.  Don't worry, Ralph.  Puppy inherited the exact same rain coat from a bigger dog too and looks just as much the fool.  I even point and laugh.

Next up, Petey.

This is Petey's first Glitz Pageant, and he's a little unsure of himself.  He likes listening to NPR, free-trade coffee, and peruvian hats he's paid way too much for.  Also, he wants to know, are we recycling the ballots?  And don't throw away your table scraps from refreshments.  He composts. 

Our next contestant is Shark Bite.

Shark Bite wonders what the hell is going on and is only not throwing a tantrum because her handler is waving a really big piece of steak in front of her.  You'd see this if the camera zoomed back.  Seriously.  What is this outfit?

Competing in the Beauty category, we have Ruflo.

He's going for that drying-up, wish-I-were-off-drinking poorly paid Doorman look.  Total win, Ruflo. Total win.

Also in Beauty, we have Clive.

Snoop there it is... Clive, maybe this should have been NSFW?

Back in Wow Wear, we have Bella!

Everybody welcome Bella.  Bella has a perfect step-step-turn and really knows how to play a crowd.  She enjoys teacup male poodles, her mother's Manolos, and questioning her own self-worth as a dog.

Now we have twins, Ralph and Caesar, who only perform together and know they're prettier as a pair.

Ralph and Caesar have outfits for every occasion, but this holiday-specific glitz is exactly what we expect at this pageant. They're pros, and we expect them to do very well today.

Next up, the old Cowhound Hunter.  

He's no Charlie the Cowdog, but he's sheriff in town and he'll sniff out danger wherever it lurks.

Next up is a known glamour girl, Miss Coco Puff.

Coco Puff loves competing in pageants because she likes crowns, fancy things, glitter, and money.

Back in Beauty, Sophia and Stella are competing for their 21st title.

They've been in pageants since they were two weeks old.  They've only done glitz, and they're still waiting for their princes to come.  Purebreds only, please.

Lillibel poses stiff competition though.

Perfect charm.  Perfect pose.  She's a real winner, and it just goes to show, spending the extra thousand on that glitz dress is just really worth it.  Even her tan is perfect.

Secret Garden is new to the Glitz world, and you can tell..

... she's still just getting used to it.  We're really looking for a dog that's having fun, not just an owner.

I mean, it's a real field of winners you see here, and how can we possibly choose the best one?

Oh wait, coming from the rear, a late, last-minute, unregistered contestant...

MISTER PUPPY!  He doesn't need Glitz, this one.  He's so darling on  his own.  Sporting a winter-themed Wow Wear, look at that... he even brought his own props.  All that snow and city-scape.  A clear, runaway winner.  

MISTER PUPPY STEALS THE SHOW!