Life happens so quickly.
One moment, you're too young to even think about having kids. Morning after pills, late-period scares, the idea of getting pregnant summoning the fear of god in you. Then all of a sudden, you turned thirty and that was already last year. You're in the sunset period of having kids.
Minnie, your name came to me one night when I was thinking about your dad, who I called 'Mouse' and who called me 'Mini'. Minnie Mouse!
At that time, your dad and I had only just started dating and we were so so in love. On our first camping trip together, we wrote you our first letter. We passed the page back and forth excitedly before starting the fire. The sun was still up in the late afternoon. It was at about that part of the sky where you know have an hour or so left before dusk; about an hour or so to prepare and eat dinner. So we finished our letter and cooked up some sausages and potatoes. We were dreaming of you! So excited to meet you!
One thing your dad used to say is that he would decorate your room with all sorts of fun and crazy toys and signs, make a whole world for you to stretch and live in your expansive and wild imagination. He would be such a great dad!
I remember the first day of the school year and when the bell rung after school, watching the eager parents come in to pick up their kids. I especially remember the parents of the preppies - their kids just finished their very first day of school, of their whole entire life!! The way little Maryam's dad came rolling in, bellowing across the hall with his deep and strong African voice, a resounding "THEEERRRE SHE IS!" above the chaos and cheer of other families reuniting in the hallway. The way little Maryam ran into his arms to be lifted high above his head. This made me think of our family to be!
After a few years of being together, the script has unfortunately flipped and we've started to consider not having kids at all. I know, I know - this sounds sad... but it's not really, not in the bigger scheme of things at least. It seems that some things are a fantasy in life and the closer you get to them you realise it may all be a little different to what you first dreamed of. Also, the world is changing so quickly and I no longer feel as confident or as enthusiastic about raising a kid in it.
People also seem to break up a lot after having kids, and this worries us. Maybe we're being cynical. But you know what, it has been refreshing to consider the non-default option in life! It has been nice to consider: What if I didn't? What could life look like?
I've been posing this question to almost every parent and non-parent I meet. Someone said something important: No matter what, you are responsible for your own happiness.
I know I cannot make decisions out of fear. And yes, the more I mull on it, I know I have always wanted to be a mum - and I know I have so much love in my heart for my baby. But even still, I'm getting older and the chances are getting slimmer. So I'm not sure if I'll ever get to have you Minnie!
We will see!
X Your MAMA! X