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A commonplace for me to collect things Also: #dearminnie - letters from a mother #memory #writing #writingadvice

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Why the Best Writing Advice Is Often the Weirdest

Writers are fed a bevy of mantras—“show don’t tell,” “kill your darlings”—which provide the security that there are rules, but little else.

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Always write with attention and look on writing as a holiday.

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Writing advice: Be specific

Book: Writing Down on the Bones by Natalie Goldfield.

In this short chapter, Natalie says that we should be specific about the things we write about in order to bring the reader closer to the world you are remembering. (it's more helpful to me to imagine that I am bringing the words closer to my inner world, rather than centering the reader).

Practical advice given here is to simply learn the names of the things, people and places around us. Learning the names of our neighbours and our classmates helps to ground you where you are and make you more attentive to other people. Learning the names of the flowers and the plants helps you to soften towards the environment.

I love that Natalie's writing is so simple and practical, and yet so spiritual; underneath her words there is an undeniable current of her philosophy toward aliveness and lovingness.

Natalie quotes William Carlos Williams, to "Write what's in front of your nose". To write what's in front of your nose, this is to bring your sensory awareness into the present moment. it's not hard, it's just what's in front of you.

"To see the world in a Grain of Sand, and heaven in a Wild Flower". This reminds me of a poem by Rumi, "This Moment"

This moment, this love, comes to rest in me, many beings in one being. In one wheat grain a thousand sheaf-stacks. Inside the needle's eye, a turning night of stars.

The lesson on being specific is accompanied with other guiding chapters about detail. "Dont Marry The Fly" talks about the fine line between precision and self-indulgence, and similarly "Big Concentration" tells us to "tell us all the details, penetrate that experience, but at the same time don't become myopic" - don't forget that alongside our little lives, the universe and the stars moves and breathes with us.

But there is an earlier chapter, "The Power of Detail" Natalie urges us to remember that our ordinary lives are worth celebrating. I will include a quote of this important reminder. It is energetic.

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Joan Fleming’s ‘Husband and Wife Talk Without Talking At A Difficult Dinner Party’ with notes by Wen-Juenn Lee.

"Here, we have the external actions of people, yang, and the inarticulate feelings they have, yin. This heartbeat of yin and yang underpins the very heartbeat of the poem. Yang, the boundaries in self between you and me, yang, the face I present to the wider world [...]""The dinner party is Difficult because maintaining your yang is Difficult in the face of your worries, because expressing your yin is near impossible."

I love the idea of yin & yang presented in this way to elucidate the many selves we occupy and the difficulties we face in expressing them.

"To the outsider, someone walking past the window, a plus one at the party, anyone that isn’t the husband or wife, maybe they would notice the shredded napkin, the unnecessary earlobe-touching, but they can only guess; they can observe but never decode. This is a poem of extended people-watching, in the sense that we too, are outsiders with the privilege of understanding a couple’s private state, if only fleetingly.""When we are lucky enough to know people that know us intimately, that know us well, they will know the difference between your laugh and your forced laugh, and this is where the duality of yin and yang can occur. Husband and wife are having a conversation without using their words at all. She says, I have a headache. He says, I’m worried about my father."

I love the line: They can observe, but never decode. I also love the idea that watching a couple's private state being a privilege. It is indeed a privilege to witness intimacy which can also be understood as vulnerability. When I am expressing my intimacy it means I am expressing my love, my soft space, the way I am open and vulnerable.

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Life happens so quickly.

One moment, you're too young to even think about having kids. Morning after pills, late-period scares, the idea of getting pregnant summoning the fear of god in you. Then all of a sudden, you turned thirty and that was already last year. You're in the sunset period of having kids.

Minnie, your name came to me one night when I was thinking about your dad, who I called 'Mouse' and who called me 'Mini'. Minnie Mouse!

At that time, your dad and I had only just started dating and we were so so in love. On our first camping trip together, we wrote you our first letter. We passed the page back and forth excitedly before starting the fire. The sun was still up in the late afternoon. It was at about that part of the sky where you know have an hour or so left before dusk; about an hour or so to prepare and eat dinner. So we finished our letter and cooked up some sausages and potatoes. We were dreaming of you! So excited to meet you!

One thing your dad used to say is that he would decorate your room with all sorts of fun and crazy toys and signs, make a whole world for you to stretch and live in your expansive and wild imagination. He would be such a great dad!

I remember the first day of the school year and when the bell rung after school, watching the eager parents come in to pick up their kids. I especially remember the parents of the preppies - their kids just finished their very first day of school, of their whole entire life!! The way little Maryam's dad came rolling in, bellowing across the hall with his deep and strong African voice, a resounding "THEEERRRE SHE IS!" above the chaos and cheer of other families reuniting in the hallway. The way little Maryam ran into his arms to be lifted high above his head. This made me think of our family to be!

After a few years of being together, the script has unfortunately flipped and we've started to consider not having kids at all. I know, I know - this sounds sad... but it's not really, not in the bigger scheme of things at least. It seems that some things are a fantasy in life and the closer you get to them you realise it may all be a little different to what you first dreamed of. Also, the world is changing so quickly and I no longer feel as confident or as enthusiastic about raising a kid in it.

People also seem to break up a lot after having kids, and this worries us. Maybe we're being cynical. But you know what, it has been refreshing to consider the non-default option in life! It has been nice to consider: What if I didn't? What could life look like?

I've been posing this question to almost every parent and non-parent I meet. Someone said something important: No matter what, you are responsible for your own happiness.

I know I cannot make decisions out of fear. And yes, the more I mull on it, I know I have always wanted to be a mum - and I know I have so much love in my heart for my baby. But even still, I'm getting older and the chances are getting slimmer. So I'm not sure if I'll ever get to have you Minnie!

We will see!

X Your MAMA! X

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The old white camry

When I was a kid in primary school, I had a crush rotation of about 4-5 boys. One of them, kid named Michael, used to get picked up in this car. And when I used to get picked up, sometimes I’d catch the back of the old white Camry, and watch it as far along as I could: to the McDonald’s, where his car took a right turn and ours went straight instead. Funny that, my soft spot for the old Toyota. Reminds me of being a little girl, when the back of cars looked like faces and not yet like cars. And all you ever wondered about your crush was what their house looked like and maybe what they did after school.