#dearwhateverthisis

[dearwhateverthisis]

Doorknobs, memories, and the past comes back to make you real tired.

Dear Whatever This Is,

PTSD is closed doors, and still not feeling safe. When a door is closed, I feel better. I feel like there is a safe space for me to calm down in. As a side effect, the flare-up of the panic response is so aggressive sometimes I can't stand it. It's the feeling I can best describe in scary movies where someone is hiding under a bed, and they keep tensing up and trying to be quiet every sound they hear or any time the shadow passes under the door or the edge of the bed. It feels bad. When they talk too close to my door, or I hear them walking a bit too close to the place I'm in, or I hear them nearby. It can have absolutely nothing to do with me, but my fight or flight response is triggered, and I feel twitch. I want to lock the door, but my bedroom still doesn't have one from when I was a kid, so ill lie on the floor and just wait there in case I have to hold the knob to stop someone from coming in. I haven't had to hold the knob since my mom could walk, or maybe it was the time my sister was going through one of her holy shticks and wanted to get deep and emotional, but as we know, I don't want to do that with people because I don't trust and I don't want people to know how emotionally messed up inside I can really be. But anyhow, she brought me to frustrated tears because I told her I didn't want her help cleaning my depression room, and she kept pushing why not, why?, come on why, why not, let me do it, why won't you let me? And finally, I snapped. I got up, went to my room and lay on the floor, and held the knob. The process of keeping myself safe is the worst. I have to lie on the floor, peeking and listening through the crack under the door, and keep the room dark and quiet. You need to be aware of any approaching because if your even a second late, you won't be able to grab that door knob and keep it closed. It's cold on the ground, so I usually put a pillow and a blanket down there with me, and I just wait, trying to tell my body it will be okay. Then whoever comes, I just say, okay, I'm fine, go away. No, I'm good because how could you rejoin them after this breakdown. You're tired, your emotional, your cold from adrenaline fluctuation, and you just don't want to see anyone anymore. It's hard being PTSD. It's hard explaining it. It's hard on your body and mind. Some days it's not, but some days it flares up, and you just have to try and deal with it.

[dearwhateverthisis]

Dear Whatever This Is, Im Back

Dear Whatever This Is,

It has been so long, hasn't it. I've missed you, and at the same time, I felt dread over you. I was doing well. As well as I could have at the time, and then life came along and dropped a shrapnel grenade into my life. It will take a while for me to properly organize and put together exactly what happened.

I'm writing to you from the ground that I'm working on making not so crumbly and unstable because the island I was on used to be bigger, but now it is much smaller. I don't want to drown, so I'm working as much as I'm capable of. My mind weighs me down a lot and can make things harder, but I'm trying. I hope you will not find my efforts disappointing. I will write to you again soon.

With cautious hope and love,

-HoneyHexra

[dearwhateverthisis]

3/10/2021

Dear Whatever This Is,

I mentioned in my last post that I would post a few pages of my ‘The change starts with me: journal, study, and outline planner.’ I thought this would be a right section to start with and that the “Folding Clothes Guide” I put together. Most of the images and techniques are comprised of Marie Kondo. She’s a professional Japanese organizer, and I really like her because she is very kind in mind and the process. Sometimes it’s hard to let go of things, and people don’t understand that they just want it to happen quickly. Pick it up, throw it out, next! She makes it all seem a bit more calm and enjoyable, well, at least for me. 

I’ll do a review of some of her books soon.

Her style of folding is good for space-saving and appealing to the eye. The only issue is unless everyone in your laundry circle is in on it, you will have to fold all your own clothes yourself, like me. 

At the bottom of page 2 is a basic layout and outline of how I want my closet to be organized and my shelves to be ordered in. You can ignore this too, but it’s up to you.

If you have any questions or wanna talk, just send me a message. I’ll try and look over my posts for comments, but I sometimes forget too. Also, I will try to add dates to these posts, so you guys know what order they go in!

May all your laundry be crisply folded,

-HoneyHexra

[dearwhateverthisis]

Dear Whatever this is,

This is my chore list, I sorta fit it into a month, but the idea is to keep going until it starts over. I blocked out my name and my sister's name just for privacy. I knew that I HATED cleaning, so I sorted things to only be like 2-3 tasks a day and still keep the house in order. I also knew that I needed a day for tasks to go if I didn't get to them because as a student and as an anxious person, I knew that some days I just wouldn't get to those items, so Sundays are makeup days!!

Some explaining on what certain tasks include and how I handle them:  

Kitchens days are for total cleaning. Floors and stove as well. I try and small dishes like cups when every there in the sink, but mostly every other day, I slowly load the dishwasher up and let it run. then I give myself 24hrs to put them away.

'De-hair the carpet' is where I take my special rubber broom, and I sweep the carpet, and it picks up the hair and let me TELL Y'ALL! even with my sister gone, my mom and I have Big, THICC, Fluffy LOOOOOONG hair. So there is a lot of shedding. And our vacuum doesn't quite pick it up. it just sticks to our carpet for some reason. ???maybe static??? so I go around and de hair the carpets, and man, Oh! Man! does it pick up hair. I'm like, 'how are we not bald????

Vacuuming gets its own day because nothing will exhaust you more than vacuuming. for some reason, it is hot and time-consuming, plus it is on a Saturday, so you don't want to do too much stuff on what is usually my fun day!

On light toilet cleaning days, I wipe the seats and put a shot of bleach in the water for like an hour till I flush. Because of my sensory anxiety, I do wear disposable elbow gloves. Then I throw them away and wash my hands real good after, and if I'm experiencing a higher level of usual anxiety, wear an apron while I clean and then just throw it in the wash after. It may not be very environmentally friendly, but it keeps my mind from being too overwhelmed, so it'll have to do for now.

The same sort of idea is used for deep cleaning the toilet. I wipe down the outside with Lysol wipes, and I use the Clorox disposable toilet wand and holder. I throw the end bit away and the gloves, and then I throw all of it in the outside trash bin, and then I can wash my hands.

Vacuuming gets its own day because nothing will exhaust you more than vacuuming. For some reason, it's hot and time-consuming, plus it is on a Saturday, so you don't want to do too much stuff on what is usually my fun day!

Friday-Sunday are usually the days I try and get my shopping done. I will elaborate on this process later in another post.

Sundays are free days or days off. I usually catch up on anything necessary I need to, or if any sort of help required house repairs need to happen, I can organize them on this day. Still, sometimes Sundays can be a bit of an anxious time for me because I think about how Mondays are the start of the week again and what I might be challenged with, so I usually am trying to be positive and kind to myself this day.

I call the room in my house where we keep our books and random files 'the study' because it's where I do all my college work and often personal hands-on space. So for everyone else, this is just the area you spend most of your at-home workspace. This can be a bedroom or an office or even a desk in a corner somewhere. Just keep it organized so you can work better in the future!

I know that this is a lot of information, but if you have any questions, please send them to me! I'd love to speak with you! Even if it is not about any of my posts, I'm always happy to lend an ear or discuss anything!

Happy cleaning,

HoneyHexra

[dearwhateverthisis]

Dear Whatever this is,

Dear Whatever this is,

It has once again been a while, but my life seems to move in jumps. I hurdle through many things, and only when I remember to stop and reflect makes my time stand still.

  Though I would like to say that lately, I have been making a lot of progress to what I call the 'It starts with me' plan. I have been very dedicated to going through things and organizing and thinking of ways to avoid returning to the messy state of chaos I tend to find myself in.

 Yes, there are days I look around and find myself in the same surroundings before. Still, now I know I don't want to ignore it. I'm ready to change. I wrote out a plan to go with it. I'll post a few segments of it if anyone would like to see where I'm working from and so on. My room is, of course, the hardest, but I think if I want to feel more in control and grown-up, it has to start there. Cleaning, organizing, fixing, and then redecorating is a loose order I'm working on.

  I have also been working outside my room into my house. I can no longer really depend on my mother. As much as I love her, I just can't give her that much power over me anymore. I've been cleaning, organizing, and deploying my father and sometimes my mother into making the house better. I've even taken to meal planning and sorting out tasks that I can give my handyman, like my father, to do on weekends. I can post those schedules here as well if anyone wants to see if they work for them.

My process may be a bit slow and shakey, but I'm pushing forward stubbornly. I will try to update more, and I will try to post some art I've done lately.

Hope you're all doing well,

HoneyHexra

[dearwhateverthisis]

Dear Whatever this is,

Dear Whatever this is,

It's been a while, but my life is still generally a mess. Today I found 2 blankets that we used to have on our beds at the old house. Since they hadn't been out of the trash bags on the floor in the towel closet in 100 years and were covered in dust, I thought id put them in my goodwill pile and donate them or give them to homeless people I see on the roadside. Still, mom found out, got mad, and started yelling at me that tI was a pain in the ass and just did more work for her and to stay out of the towel closet. I'm just like dad going through the trash, and I went into my study to keep working, and she's still yelling at me through the wall about how I'm running her ragged when all I did today was school stuff order her lunch from taco bell and wake her up to tell her the doctor office called to talk to her. My sister lets my cousin live with her in her new house while she works in the hospital, so she doesn't put her parents at risk. But since I live (so very sadly) with my parents, I cant see my sister on weekends anymore. Being with my sister and cousins away from the house is a huge mental break for me. I'm VERY worried about how this is going to affect my mental state over time. My mother tends to wear me down over time, and my dad tends to make me feel unsupported. So it's hard to find comfort in him. I know they both love me and, for the most part, try their best towards me. The more cynical part of me can't believe I'm gonna have nowhere to go on weekends now that I cant go see my weekly dose of simple happiness, and ill be stuck here with this woman who is a few steps away from being a full-fledge looney bin. I've definitely going to continue to focus on cleaning up my environment. I've taken a liking to the Marie Kondo method. I'm even going to order her 3 major self-help books. I'm hoping with the process to mature and update my life from a young adult to a more substantial 'adult-like' state. I suppose you could view it as a sort of new years resolution. So for now. Wish me the best of luck.

Love and best new year wishes to all,

HoneyHexra