Dear Whatever This Is,

This is a self expression. This is to clear out my mind, heart and soul. Its fragments of my life. Words ill never speak and feelings I wish i could express. This is for me but your welcome to come along.

[dearwhateverthisis]

So heres the situation: that i sent to my father via FB message after a huge fight that left me an absolute wreck of tears and pain in my soul.

"i got up because i had to go to the bathroom. she was rolling away from me and i said mom u dont have to do clean in the study i said i was gonna do it today. yesterday immideatly after i turned inmy last final i came out and told her. she immidiatly had a whole list of things she wanted me to do. so i tried to make things stay calm so i threw all the trash and dishes and put a laod of laundry in my basket but i hadnt slept since or eatten since 3pm yester day and it was 1 pm the next day i put things in catagorie piles and got everything off the floor and evendid a few things in the bathroom. i told her i would vacumm and finish tommorrow wheni woke up but i was feeling tired and shakey. she didnt like that and said you where coming home and going to take the door off and clean. i saod no she doesnt have to ill do it when i wake up and i dont want you guys finding the christmas presents i havent wrapped yet. she just doesnt look at me and say 'well will see. dads coming home and taking the door off and he'll want it done' i said the same thing i said before. im tired, hungry im going to rest today and when i get up tommorow i will do it. finally she said okay just to placate me but i was so tired and over talking to her i just let it go. i showered and went to bed , cuz i wanted sleep more than food. so when i got up this morning and she was in there and ignored me several times when i was talking to her while walking away with me. she just kep saying 'go to bed. turn off the light.' im trying to talk to her, im trying to get her to understand. i want to keep the christmas things i picked out with tyna a suprise. i want you guys to have a good christmas. finally i say i need you to not go in there. if you go in there you will break my trust and things like that have consequences. i turn to leave and thats when she stops ignoring me. she says for you. consequences for you. she points at me i walk over to her. shes mad she starts telling me that the room is disqusting and i didnt clean enough yesterday and i let it get bad during finals and i said i finished school yesterday and i had to sleep. we talked about this remember when i get up ill clean. she rolls past me ignoring me saying move out. then move out get out. you can be terrible some where else. im so mad im trying to stay calm but mom when she feels like your disagreeing with her will say the first thing she knows will hurt you the most. i know i let my anxiety and depression make things hard not just for me but for everyone. i know i let me adhd get the better of me. i wish i could be better but some days im just trying to survive. I wish i could move out and give you both freedom from me. i want to have money to do those things for you. i know im a bad daughter. i try to be better but sometimes i just cant seem to get it across. when im with mom im reminded of just how bad i am. its like all the negative parts of me come to the surface and shes not afriad to tell me exactly what i am. but i dont need her to because i already know whats wrong with me. im sorry i woke you up this morning and ill try better in the future."

in a message where i showed a part of my inner soul that I almost never ever EVER show I say a few things.

my own mother has said vile and disgustinging things to me not for the first time

she went against her word to me not for the first time again

I have struggles with adhd, deppression and anxiety

I basically hate myself

my mother makes me understand why I hate myself and why others hsould

I apologize for basically being garbage

I wasn't in the wrong but I still apologized

well lets see what he had to say:

"Lots of issues up in the air. All families are broken. I don't have control of anything or anybody. I do my best to maintain good and reason. Push the negative about yourself away but actively be conscious to be better. The little things matter. The physical clutter in the places that you dwell send a message. Momma interprets the mess as disrespect. Respectful to her own mental struggles she will eventually explode. If you see Mommas Spirit as a little girl and you as a little girl then you can feel the compassion for the other. No perfection in this world. Look to the faith for dialog and answers. Ask hard questions. The good news is that there are glimpses of joy in the answers from Christ. It takes work and patience. You work hard at school but you have to also take time daily to physically organize the environment you share with others. Family will make you the angriest, but they are the people in life that mean the most. There is more to talk about. Thank God that I will have a few weeks off and a new baby is soon to arrive. Blessing counting dose me good. “To love is to will the good of another.” Summa Theologica. Thomas Aquinas 1273"

God what a low key general answer bunch of bullshit.

lets break it down.

"Lots of issues up in the air. All families are broken.:

how long can we live our lives with things up in the air. he's willing to heard directly that his wife is openly abusive to those around her for years and years and just go well its up in the air and were just like everyone else.

I don't have control of anything or anybody. I do my best to maintain good and reason. :

My fathers idea of good reason is sticking his head in the sand. you might not be able to control someone but you can help a situation. you can adult up and sit down with your wife and say hey you can be a real bitch and you shouldn't be because we and our daughter have bent over backwards to care for you.

------

a quick list of some things i have personally done for my mom that are above and beyond what any daughter especially an emotionally abused one should have to do for her abuser:

made excuses to family and friends for her drunken behaivior

lied and covered for her adictions

put her comfort before myown especially when I was younger

let people tell me exactly what I should be doing to make her better and then letting them talk down to me about ways to go about it and explain

be a mediator between her and my father and my sister

called 911 several times and handled that situation only to have her back track because who she is in front of other people isn't who she is with me. then I have several people blame me for over reacting.

trying to cover her strange behaiviors

trying to keep my family afloat and seem normal

handling her physical care several times throughout my life:from when she peed herself, fell, try and keep her from driving anywhere, physical care after her various hospital instancs

wiping her shit ass and vagina while she would laugh at me for being grossed out and emotionally upset for having to feel humiliated by doing that for someone who emotionally abused me my whole life

and the list can go on forever but those are some of the big ticket items from the last general 5 years.

----

Push the negative about yourself away but actively be conscious to be better. :

im working on being better im trying to be better mentally. I just told you that my mother basically called me disgusting and that is what you have to say! i basically told you that I hate myself and that's what you have to say!

The little things matter. The physical clutter in the places that you dwell send a message. Momma interprets the mess as disrespect. Respectful to her own mental struggles she will eventually explode:

i admit my adhd does get the better of me and I am more comfortable in messy surroundings than most but here's another message my surroundings say= I exist and live in only two small spaces. i eat, drink, live, explore my interests, have space to live and breath in these spaces. I have told my father many times that I only have a physical interaction time with my mother daily of about 15-30 minutes after that she becomes abusive and volatile. that time accounts for me just walking across the house to go to the garage or the fridge or even if she sees me walking into the bathroom. sometimes I even cut that time down to being seen by her 5-9 times.

If you see Mommas Spirit as a little girl and you as a little girl then you can feel the compassion for the other:

fuck you. absolutly fuck you. I dont know if that's some heal your inner child bullshit but that's not correct. my mother is a grown ass woman who acts like a spoiled child. I am a grown ass woman who is stuck in a shitty situation and cant escape. I am a grown woman who has lived with her abuser her whole life and is trying her best to not just live but be happy.

No perfection in this world. Look to the faith for dialog and answers. Ask hard questions. The good news is that there are glimpses of joy in the answers from Christ. It takes work and patience.:

i hate when people use faith as a catch all make it better. God gives us strength and guidance but he gave us free will. he wants us to look to him for faith and interpretation of how to live but unless we are doing the work and effort we arent going to accomplish anything.

uou work hard at school but you have to also take time daily to physically organize the environment you share with others. Family will make you the angriest, but they are the people in life that mean the most.

i dont want these nasty people to mean the most to me. I want to find new people. you cant use oh there family as an excuse that doesn't mean anything anymore. all it means is that people will judge you when you cut them out of your lives.

There is more to talk about. Thank God that I will have a few weeks off and a new baby is soon to arrive. Blessing counting dose me good. “To love is to will the good of another.” Summa Theologica. Thomas Aquinas 1273:

yeah there might be ore to talk about but your going to stick your head in the sand like always until it happens again and then ill get another one of these bull shit messages that will general solution fix messages with no action. then he concludes it all like a fucking email sign off with some bullshit religious quote.

anouther example of using religion to bandaid a bullet hole.

---------------------

ive always loved my dad for his kindness but I've also always known that he never will put me before my mother. in a way that makes him apart of the emotional abuse and toxic nature of my family.

i dont know if ill write more about this incident because I have a whole series of exchanges with my sister who can lowkey be just as clueless because she got out and doesn't have to deal with this shit any more.

i highly doubt my mother will apologise andif she does she wont mean It or it will be so generalized it will basically mean nothing and if i try to explain that to her she will gas light me and manipulate her words till its my fault again or im the total problem.

So in conclusion im so fucked and stuck here I have basically no hope.

so maybe im right maybe i am disgusting and worthy to be hated by myself and others and I should just accept that. any self value I've found in the last year was wrong and I need to just accept that I am worthy of hate and deserve now should expect anything more of my self and the world.

[mcdolans]

ha?

every single person who reblogs this

every

single

person

will get “doot doot” in their ask box

[semememes-blog]

HOW

[lexiwestiiee]

I WANT TO KNOW YOUR SECRET

[takemewherethewildthingsare]

SERIOUSLY THOUGH WHAT ARE YOU

[clariphonete-deactivated2014111]

I GOT THIS AND I WAS LIKE WHAT THE FUCK

[wrappingpaper]

there are over 128,000 notes and i still got one

how

[bbassam-deactivated20151227]

i reblogged this less than 2 minutes ago

how the actual fuck

[iamsensitive]

well

do not question

[sasstronauuut-deactivated201906]

ive done this before you truly do get doot doot in your askbox

[littlekawaiiusagi]

Lol doubt it

[person3737-blog]

Haha doubt this will work buuuut

[starbaby96]

What the hell, I’ll try it

[thepanicatthediscoaddict]

I GOT A DOOT DOOT

[from-under-the-lilacs]

I wants a doot doot

[weird-emo-human-deactivated2018]

hoooowwww does this work??!

[awesomeskinnythighs-deactivated]

This is a lieeeee

[alltimesleepingveils-blog1]

I want a doot doot

[rickydimmydo]

I wonder

[thunderousfate]

Hmm… Sometimes i just get amaze by tumblr

[mollyravioli]

I want a doot doot too

[wolfgangamademozart--official]

doot doot my ass will ya

[wolfgangamademozart--official]

update: ,,,,two ppl doot dooted me

im scared

[spaceabomination]

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

[spaceabomination]

[sofiawylies-deactivated20211010]

I’ve never gotten an ask before and I want to see if this works…

[maudeeloise]

let’s try!

[stuck-in-limbo-with-a-lost-soul]

Welp, why not

[stabbetharenny]

Let’s do this

[smolanxiouscatvoid]

Yeee

[transexualheart-1]

I have not yet gotten a doot doot

[lichrelly]

well, lets see if this works

[dearwhateverthisis]

Doorknobs, memories, and the past comes back to make you real tired.

Dear Whatever This Is,

PTSD is closed doors, and still not feeling safe. When a door is closed, I feel better. I feel like there is a safe space for me to calm down in. As a side effect, the flare-up of the panic response is so aggressive sometimes I can't stand it. It's the feeling I can best describe in scary movies where someone is hiding under a bed, and they keep tensing up and trying to be quiet every sound they hear or any time the shadow passes under the door or the edge of the bed. It feels bad. When they talk too close to my door, or I hear them walking a bit too close to the place I'm in, or I hear them nearby. It can have absolutely nothing to do with me, but my fight or flight response is triggered, and I feel twitch. I want to lock the door, but my bedroom still doesn't have one from when I was a kid, so ill lie on the floor and just wait there in case I have to hold the knob to stop someone from coming in. I haven't had to hold the knob since my mom could walk, or maybe it was the time my sister was going through one of her holy shticks and wanted to get deep and emotional, but as we know, I don't want to do that with people because I don't trust and I don't want people to know how emotionally messed up inside I can really be. But anyhow, she brought me to frustrated tears because I told her I didn't want her help cleaning my depression room, and she kept pushing why not, why?, come on why, why not, let me do it, why won't you let me? And finally, I snapped. I got up, went to my room and lay on the floor, and held the knob. The process of keeping myself safe is the worst. I have to lie on the floor, peeking and listening through the crack under the door, and keep the room dark and quiet. You need to be aware of any approaching because if your even a second late, you won't be able to grab that door knob and keep it closed. It's cold on the ground, so I usually put a pillow and a blanket down there with me, and I just wait, trying to tell my body it will be okay. Then whoever comes, I just say, okay, I'm fine, go away. No, I'm good because how could you rejoin them after this breakdown. You're tired, your emotional, your cold from adrenaline fluctuation, and you just don't want to see anyone anymore. It's hard being PTSD. It's hard explaining it. It's hard on your body and mind. Some days it's not, but some days it flares up, and you just have to try and deal with it.

[dearwhateverthisis]

"ingrate" , "move out" , "we paid for it so just calm down.- mom

[dearwhateverthisis]

My father will never and has never chosen me over my mother. It's something I have come to know as true but something I struggle to accept. I can never see him giving me the emotional reach out or stability or support with my strained relationship with the woman who gave birth to me and that hurts but that is also just how it is I suppose.

[dearwhateverthisis]

i want to hurt her.

[dearwhateverthisis]

A post about being in the present but the past has effected you alot.

Dear whatever this is,

It's hard. That saying comes up a lot in my life. Yes, everyone's life is hard but sometimes I think people underestimate the amount of what is hard for some people. If it's hard because you have a problem in your life or multiple, then yes that's understandable of course it is difficult but there is a special kind of hard and that is when things people without mental or physical issues don't really find hard. Things that shouldn't be hard, things that are everyday things that should be done easily but just aren't.

Here is a list of examples because that's the only way I know how to express it in a way that makes sense.

- lotion. I need to put it on my hands but I get over-focused on the feeling of it on my skin or the scent it has. So my hands and feet are so dry and cracking but I literally have to be in a state of full charge because of the emotional tax it'll take on my inner battery

-lying in bed at night fearing your alarm. Not the actual need to get up, that's a whole different thing. But the actual sound it makes. You lie in bed fearing that what if it scares you and the more you dwell on it the more worked up you get till your heart is racing and your body tense that the moment it does go off you are filled with such dread but also relief but mostly regret that you have been in this state for god knows how long and now the regular I have to get up dread starts. this is followed by a long morning of adrenilin-induced diarrhea and gas.

---------------------------------------------------------

new thought flow:

then there is the new dynamic it's hard.

My mother. She's home now. forever bound by her body that gave up on her. She's working hard I'm thankful for that. She's alive I'm thankful for that too. but now there's this odd grey area between us.

things that make our connection confusing:

- I'm her child

- she's older than me

- she was an alcoholic

- she hurt me emotionally for years and years.

- i love her

- she almost died but survived

- shes wheelchair-bound

- I was her caregiver for almost a whole year

- I become totally independent in that time she was gone

- I forced myself to care for her even when I was mad at her

- she treats me like a child

- I am no longer in charge of the house like when she was gone

- for years during the bad time I learned how to put up boundaries so she couldn't hurt me anymore

- now after basically being outside her control of my mind, suddenly she needs me to do things for her but.....i sort of don't want to do anything for her

- am I a good daughter?

- am I a good person?

- I have all these hurts in my body and I don't know how to get rid of them but apparently, everyone is ready to just move on??

- sometimes ill bring up how wrecked we were when she was dying and I'm not sure if I'm saying those things to inform her what was going on or if I want her to feel sorry/bad.

-I want her to know how she hurt us.....or do I mean me

-Justyna didn't do any of mom's at home care. So why does it feel like she's still my parent's favorites.

-i miss it being just me and my dad a lot. is that wrong? I feel like i lost our close connection when she returned

- I had the whole house to myself. I cleaned, did laundry, cooked, shopped, worked at the table, did crafts ect ect. Now I'm back in my room and study. I feel caged, or like its wrong to be around them or outside 'my' set boundaries

- I like having my own bathroom. since they got the bidet they both only use that bathroom.

- she tells me what I need to do and what my 'goals' are. like bitch I know. I was going to do it but now you've said it and I don't want to do what you want anymore.

-somedays I feel strong but most days I just want to lie in bed with no bright lights (because the dark is filled with the other's toxic thoughts) and stare at nothing till I'm tired and then drift off.

- while sleep is an escape, my dreams are not. I have lately been dreading my dreams. maybe that's why I don't want to sleep but only nap. My dreams are filled with things I don't want to think about, such as hopes, comfort, death, fear, my mother, my father, my family, and me.

----------------------------------------------------------

New thought flow:

I always start these with so much conviction and emotion and energy but by the end, I always feel a bit tired and very cold. my fingers are like ice and my shoulders shiver. I'll crawl into bed and add all my blankets because I just can't warm myself alone. I hold my pillow and pretend it's someone who loves me and wants to protect and understand me. Wants me. then the staring comes, then the deep loneliness and thoughts then I reach a cold hand out and look up some sort of soft noise to help stop the thoughts and I have to take a nap. I awake but.... only slightly warmer, not better really. drink something think about food....ill eat later. I think for the 4th time today and I return to my computer. It's hard. But that's just how it is for me and everyone else. I can stop time so no matter what I do I keep moving forward and maybe one day it'll be a bit less hard. not completely but a bit.

I need that blanket now so let's hug goodbye. Stay safe.

Love,

HoneyHexra

[dearwhateverthisis]

A post about adhd and cleaning/organization

Dear whatever this is,

can we talk about how appealing those Instagram and TikTok videos are of organizing and breaking things down for maximum space usage? like wow. I want that so bad rip I thought. Soto the dollar store and Walmart and a bunch of small little divider boxes later and several hours of attempting to divide them all out. I had a picturesque setup. This lasted about a month because I can't realistically function in my day-to-day lifestyle and enjoyment with things. wow, suddenly I have put things together. I can't function via a small micro organization but what if sI clump thin together. as an ADHD person, I don't mind things being a bit messy g I don't mind shuffling through things to look for other things. i mean after 5 minutes I throw whatever clothes I had micro folded onto the catch-all chair in the corner of the room and then stress offer refolding them later. so maybe instead of small bins, I have whole drawers dedicated to things? throwing away as many nick snacks as possible will minimize the clutter and eventually I can have a bit of breathing room. right? any advice? post below let's talk this bad boy out!

-HH

[dearwhateverthisis]

Dear Whatever This Is, Im Back

Dear Whatever This Is,

It has been so long, hasn't it. I've missed you, and at the same time, I felt dread over you. I was doing well. As well as I could have at the time, and then life came along and dropped a shrapnel grenade into my life. It will take a while for me to properly organize and put together exactly what happened.

I'm writing to you from the ground that I'm working on making not so crumbly and unstable because the island I was on used to be bigger, but now it is much smaller. I don't want to drown, so I'm working as much as I'm capable of. My mind weighs me down a lot and can make things harder, but I'm trying. I hope you will not find my efforts disappointing. I will write to you again soon.

With cautious hope and love,

-HoneyHexra

[anexperimentallife]

[dearwhateverthisis]

Marie Kondo is low-key saving my life by turning me into a better adult.

[enby-life]

A short thing about “weird triggers” inspired by this that I’ll end up deleting later honestly-

You can reblog this but like... don’t fuck around??? I won’t hesitate with the block button on this I swear to fuck I won’t.

[enby-life]

Well this doubled in notes in like three hours so... I’m glad other people are finding this validating

[dearwhateverthisis]

I love this so much. Im so glad someone put words to this. I have weird triggers as well. some of my most long term are: 

-my school email:

I hate it. i always feel like im going to get bad news or more school work or even just lots of new emails about nothing. So i ignore it and then it builds and i feel even worse about it.

- when my mom calls me on my cell, or when she calls people im around on there cells.

it’s like being in trouble or about to be embarresed.

- Driving on a freeway on the outter lanes by a wall or on a big up high turn:

I almost died by swearving and hitting a wall on one of those turns and ever since my heart races and i tence up when ever im near a type of surrounding like that in a car i feel so anxious. 

Im so glad that people are learning about this!!

[dearwhateverthisis]

3/20/2021

A few days ago my mom got taken away by an ambulence. Her heart stopped during the journey. Now days later, she isnt doing good. im scared and sad. I dont know what to feel because i dont want to fall apart. i love my mom and when shes like this the good memories of us swim around my mind and make my anxiety and sadness worse. 

[dearwhateverthisis]

3/10/2021

Dear Whatever This Is,

I mentioned in my last post that I would post a few pages of my ‘The change starts with me: journal, study, and outline planner.’ I thought this would be a right section to start with and that the “Folding Clothes Guide” I put together. Most of the images and techniques are comprised of Marie Kondo. She’s a professional Japanese organizer, and I really like her because she is very kind in mind and the process. Sometimes it’s hard to let go of things, and people don’t understand that they just want it to happen quickly. Pick it up, throw it out, next! She makes it all seem a bit more calm and enjoyable, well, at least for me. 

I’ll do a review of some of her books soon.

Her style of folding is good for space-saving and appealing to the eye. The only issue is unless everyone in your laundry circle is in on it, you will have to fold all your own clothes yourself, like me. 

At the bottom of page 2 is a basic layout and outline of how I want my closet to be organized and my shelves to be ordered in. You can ignore this too, but it’s up to you.

If you have any questions or wanna talk, just send me a message. I’ll try and look over my posts for comments, but I sometimes forget too. Also, I will try to add dates to these posts, so you guys know what order they go in!

May all your laundry be crisply folded,

-HoneyHexra

[dearwhateverthisis]

Dear Whatever this is,

This is my chore list, I sorta fit it into a month, but the idea is to keep going until it starts over. I blocked out my name and my sister's name just for privacy. I knew that I HATED cleaning, so I sorted things to only be like 2-3 tasks a day and still keep the house in order. I also knew that I needed a day for tasks to go if I didn't get to them because as a student and as an anxious person, I knew that some days I just wouldn't get to those items, so Sundays are makeup days!!

Some explaining on what certain tasks include and how I handle them:  

Kitchens days are for total cleaning. Floors and stove as well. I try and small dishes like cups when every there in the sink, but mostly every other day, I slowly load the dishwasher up and let it run. then I give myself 24hrs to put them away.

'De-hair the carpet' is where I take my special rubber broom, and I sweep the carpet, and it picks up the hair and let me TELL Y'ALL! even with my sister gone, my mom and I have Big, THICC, Fluffy LOOOOOONG hair. So there is a lot of shedding. And our vacuum doesn't quite pick it up. it just sticks to our carpet for some reason. ???maybe static??? so I go around and de hair the carpets, and man, Oh! Man! does it pick up hair. I'm like, 'how are we not bald????

Vacuuming gets its own day because nothing will exhaust you more than vacuuming. for some reason, it is hot and time-consuming, plus it is on a Saturday, so you don't want to do too much stuff on what is usually my fun day!

On light toilet cleaning days, I wipe the seats and put a shot of bleach in the water for like an hour till I flush. Because of my sensory anxiety, I do wear disposable elbow gloves. Then I throw them away and wash my hands real good after, and if I'm experiencing a higher level of usual anxiety, wear an apron while I clean and then just throw it in the wash after. It may not be very environmentally friendly, but it keeps my mind from being too overwhelmed, so it'll have to do for now.

The same sort of idea is used for deep cleaning the toilet. I wipe down the outside with Lysol wipes, and I use the Clorox disposable toilet wand and holder. I throw the end bit away and the gloves, and then I throw all of it in the outside trash bin, and then I can wash my hands.

Vacuuming gets its own day because nothing will exhaust you more than vacuuming. For some reason, it's hot and time-consuming, plus it is on a Saturday, so you don't want to do too much stuff on what is usually my fun day!

Friday-Sunday are usually the days I try and get my shopping done. I will elaborate on this process later in another post.

Sundays are free days or days off. I usually catch up on anything necessary I need to, or if any sort of help required house repairs need to happen, I can organize them on this day. Still, sometimes Sundays can be a bit of an anxious time for me because I think about how Mondays are the start of the week again and what I might be challenged with, so I usually am trying to be positive and kind to myself this day.

I call the room in my house where we keep our books and random files 'the study' because it's where I do all my college work and often personal hands-on space. So for everyone else, this is just the area you spend most of your at-home workspace. This can be a bedroom or an office or even a desk in a corner somewhere. Just keep it organized so you can work better in the future!

I know that this is a lot of information, but if you have any questions, please send them to me! I'd love to speak with you! Even if it is not about any of my posts, I'm always happy to lend an ear or discuss anything!

Happy cleaning,

HoneyHexra

[dearwhateverthisis]

Happy International Woman’s Day!! Look around you at all the woman you know and just try and thank one of them for being in your life and making it better. Be nice to one other woman you see today, even if its just a small compliment or holding the door for her. We are stronger together. Today i thanked all my female cousins and sister on fb messanger for being my female support group and showing me positivity growing up. then we all said love you to each other and i felt such connection to my lady tribe, that i know we will always be close. I also kissed my moms forehead and said thank you for being strong for me and loving me. I even made her say i love you and thank you to my grandmother when she called to say hi this morning. 

I hope all the lovely ladies out their are enjoying this day and I hope this positivity and respect will continue throughout the year!

Lots of love,

HoneyHexra

[dearwhateverthisis]

Dear Whatever this is,

Dear Whatever this is,

It has once again been a while, but my life seems to move in jumps. I hurdle through many things, and only when I remember to stop and reflect makes my time stand still.

  Though I would like to say that lately, I have been making a lot of progress to what I call the 'It starts with me' plan. I have been very dedicated to going through things and organizing and thinking of ways to avoid returning to the messy state of chaos I tend to find myself in.

 Yes, there are days I look around and find myself in the same surroundings before. Still, now I know I don't want to ignore it. I'm ready to change. I wrote out a plan to go with it. I'll post a few segments of it if anyone would like to see where I'm working from and so on. My room is, of course, the hardest, but I think if I want to feel more in control and grown-up, it has to start there. Cleaning, organizing, fixing, and then redecorating is a loose order I'm working on.

  I have also been working outside my room into my house. I can no longer really depend on my mother. As much as I love her, I just can't give her that much power over me anymore. I've been cleaning, organizing, and deploying my father and sometimes my mother into making the house better. I've even taken to meal planning and sorting out tasks that I can give my handyman, like my father, to do on weekends. I can post those schedules here as well if anyone wants to see if they work for them.

My process may be a bit slow and shakey, but I'm pushing forward stubbornly. I will try to update more, and I will try to post some art I've done lately.

Hope you're all doing well,

HoneyHexra

[dearwhateverthisis]

Dear Whatever this is,

Dear Whatever this is,

It's been a while, but my life is still generally a mess. Today I found 2 blankets that we used to have on our beds at the old house. Since they hadn't been out of the trash bags on the floor in the towel closet in 100 years and were covered in dust, I thought id put them in my goodwill pile and donate them or give them to homeless people I see on the roadside. Still, mom found out, got mad, and started yelling at me that tI was a pain in the ass and just did more work for her and to stay out of the towel closet. I'm just like dad going through the trash, and I went into my study to keep working, and she's still yelling at me through the wall about how I'm running her ragged when all I did today was school stuff order her lunch from taco bell and wake her up to tell her the doctor office called to talk to her. My sister lets my cousin live with her in her new house while she works in the hospital, so she doesn't put her parents at risk. But since I live (so very sadly) with my parents, I cant see my sister on weekends anymore. Being with my sister and cousins away from the house is a huge mental break for me. I'm VERY worried about how this is going to affect my mental state over time. My mother tends to wear me down over time, and my dad tends to make me feel unsupported. So it's hard to find comfort in him. I know they both love me and, for the most part, try their best towards me. The more cynical part of me can't believe I'm gonna have nowhere to go on weekends now that I cant go see my weekly dose of simple happiness, and ill be stuck here with this woman who is a few steps away from being a full-fledge looney bin. I've definitely going to continue to focus on cleaning up my environment. I've taken a liking to the Marie Kondo method. I'm even going to order her 3 major self-help books. I'm hoping with the process to mature and update my life from a young adult to a more substantial 'adult-like' state. I suppose you could view it as a sort of new years resolution. So for now. Wish me the best of luck.

Love and best new year wishes to all,

HoneyHexra