So heres the situation: that i sent to my father via FB message after a huge fight that left me an absolute wreck of tears and pain in my soul.
"i got up because i had to go to the bathroom. she was rolling away from me and i said mom u dont have to do clean in the study i said i was gonna do it today. yesterday immideatly after i turned inmy last final i came out and told her. she immidiatly had a whole list of things she wanted me to do. so i tried to make things stay calm so i threw all the trash and dishes and put a laod of laundry in my basket but i hadnt slept since or eatten since 3pm yester day and it was 1 pm the next day i put things in catagorie piles and got everything off the floor and evendid a few things in the bathroom. i told her i would vacumm and finish tommorrow wheni woke up but i was feeling tired and shakey. she didnt like that and said you where coming home and going to take the door off and clean. i saod no she doesnt have to ill do it when i wake up and i dont want you guys finding the christmas presents i havent wrapped yet. she just doesnt look at me and say 'well will see. dads coming home and taking the door off and he'll want it done' i said the same thing i said before. im tired, hungry im going to rest today and when i get up tommorow i will do it. finally she said okay just to placate me but i was so tired and over talking to her i just let it go. i showered and went to bed , cuz i wanted sleep more than food. so when i got up this morning and she was in there and ignored me several times when i was talking to her while walking away with me. she just kep saying 'go to bed. turn off the light.' im trying to talk to her, im trying to get her to understand. i want to keep the christmas things i picked out with tyna a suprise. i want you guys to have a good christmas. finally i say i need you to not go in there. if you go in there you will break my trust and things like that have consequences. i turn to leave and thats when she stops ignoring me. she says for you. consequences for you. she points at me i walk over to her. shes mad she starts telling me that the room is disqusting and i didnt clean enough yesterday and i let it get bad during finals and i said i finished school yesterday and i had to sleep. we talked about this remember when i get up ill clean. she rolls past me ignoring me saying move out. then move out get out. you can be terrible some where else. im so mad im trying to stay calm but mom when she feels like your disagreeing with her will say the first thing she knows will hurt you the most. i know i let my anxiety and depression make things hard not just for me but for everyone. i know i let me adhd get the better of me. i wish i could be better but some days im just trying to survive. I wish i could move out and give you both freedom from me. i want to have money to do those things for you. i know im a bad daughter. i try to be better but sometimes i just cant seem to get it across. when im with mom im reminded of just how bad i am. its like all the negative parts of me come to the surface and shes not afriad to tell me exactly what i am. but i dont need her to because i already know whats wrong with me. im sorry i woke you up this morning and ill try better in the future."
in a message where i showed a part of my inner soul that I almost never ever EVER show I say a few things.
my own mother has said vile and disgustinging things to me not for the first time
she went against her word to me not for the first time again
I have struggles with adhd, deppression and anxiety
I basically hate myself
my mother makes me understand why I hate myself and why others hsould
I apologize for basically being garbage
I wasn't in the wrong but I still apologized
well lets see what he had to say:
"Lots of issues up in the air. All families are broken. I don't have control of anything or anybody. I do my best to maintain good and reason. Push the negative about yourself away but actively be conscious to be better. The little things matter. The physical clutter in the places that you dwell send a message. Momma interprets the mess as disrespect. Respectful to her own mental struggles she will eventually explode. If you see Mommas Spirit as a little girl and you as a little girl then you can feel the compassion for the other. No perfection in this world. Look to the faith for dialog and answers. Ask hard questions. The good news is that there are glimpses of joy in the answers from Christ. It takes work and patience. You work hard at school but you have to also take time daily to physically organize the environment you share with others. Family will make you the angriest, but they are the people in life that mean the most. There is more to talk about. Thank God that I will have a few weeks off and a new baby is soon to arrive. Blessing counting dose me good. “To love is to will the good of another.” Summa Theologica. Thomas Aquinas 1273"
God what a low key general answer bunch of bullshit.
lets break it down.
"Lots of issues up in the air. All families are broken.:
how long can we live our lives with things up in the air. he's willing to heard directly that his wife is openly abusive to those around her for years and years and just go well its up in the air and were just like everyone else.
I don't have control of anything or anybody. I do my best to maintain good and reason. :
My fathers idea of good reason is sticking his head in the sand. you might not be able to control someone but you can help a situation. you can adult up and sit down with your wife and say hey you can be a real bitch and you shouldn't be because we and our daughter have bent over backwards to care for you.
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a quick list of some things i have personally done for my mom that are above and beyond what any daughter especially an emotionally abused one should have to do for her abuser:
made excuses to family and friends for her drunken behaivior
lied and covered for her adictions
put her comfort before myown especially when I was younger
let people tell me exactly what I should be doing to make her better and then letting them talk down to me about ways to go about it and explain
be a mediator between her and my father and my sister
called 911 several times and handled that situation only to have her back track because who she is in front of other people isn't who she is with me. then I have several people blame me for over reacting.
trying to cover her strange behaiviors
trying to keep my family afloat and seem normal
handling her physical care several times throughout my life:from when she peed herself, fell, try and keep her from driving anywhere, physical care after her various hospital instancs
wiping her shit ass and vagina while she would laugh at me for being grossed out and emotionally upset for having to feel humiliated by doing that for someone who emotionally abused me my whole life
and the list can go on forever but those are some of the big ticket items from the last general 5 years.
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Push the negative about yourself away but actively be conscious to be better. :
im working on being better im trying to be better mentally. I just told you that my mother basically called me disgusting and that is what you have to say! i basically told you that I hate myself and that's what you have to say!
The little things matter. The physical clutter in the places that you dwell send a message. Momma interprets the mess as disrespect. Respectful to her own mental struggles she will eventually explode:
i admit my adhd does get the better of me and I am more comfortable in messy surroundings than most but here's another message my surroundings say= I exist and live in only two small spaces. i eat, drink, live, explore my interests, have space to live and breath in these spaces. I have told my father many times that I only have a physical interaction time with my mother daily of about 15-30 minutes after that she becomes abusive and volatile. that time accounts for me just walking across the house to go to the garage or the fridge or even if she sees me walking into the bathroom. sometimes I even cut that time down to being seen by her 5-9 times.
If you see Mommas Spirit as a little girl and you as a little girl then you can feel the compassion for the other:
fuck you. absolutly fuck you. I dont know if that's some heal your inner child bullshit but that's not correct. my mother is a grown ass woman who acts like a spoiled child. I am a grown ass woman who is stuck in a shitty situation and cant escape. I am a grown woman who has lived with her abuser her whole life and is trying her best to not just live but be happy.
No perfection in this world. Look to the faith for dialog and answers. Ask hard questions. The good news is that there are glimpses of joy in the answers from Christ. It takes work and patience.:
i hate when people use faith as a catch all make it better. God gives us strength and guidance but he gave us free will. he wants us to look to him for faith and interpretation of how to live but unless we are doing the work and effort we arent going to accomplish anything.
uou work hard at school but you have to also take time daily to physically organize the environment you share with others. Family will make you the angriest, but they are the people in life that mean the most.
i dont want these nasty people to mean the most to me. I want to find new people. you cant use oh there family as an excuse that doesn't mean anything anymore. all it means is that people will judge you when you cut them out of your lives.
There is more to talk about. Thank God that I will have a few weeks off and a new baby is soon to arrive. Blessing counting dose me good. “To love is to will the good of another.” Summa Theologica. Thomas Aquinas 1273:
yeah there might be ore to talk about but your going to stick your head in the sand like always until it happens again and then ill get another one of these bull shit messages that will general solution fix messages with no action. then he concludes it all like a fucking email sign off with some bullshit religious quote.
anouther example of using religion to bandaid a bullet hole.
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ive always loved my dad for his kindness but I've also always known that he never will put me before my mother. in a way that makes him apart of the emotional abuse and toxic nature of my family.
i dont know if ill write more about this incident because I have a whole series of exchanges with my sister who can lowkey be just as clueless because she got out and doesn't have to deal with this shit any more.
i highly doubt my mother will apologise andif she does she wont mean It or it will be so generalized it will basically mean nothing and if i try to explain that to her she will gas light me and manipulate her words till its my fault again or im the total problem.
So in conclusion im so fucked and stuck here I have basically no hope.
so maybe im right maybe i am disgusting and worthy to be hated by myself and others and I should just accept that. any self value I've found in the last year was wrong and I need to just accept that I am worthy of hate and deserve now should expect anything more of my self and the world.
























