Jan 3, 2018
me, seeing the robot thing in metalhead: :O doggo!
robot: [starts shooting everyone in the head]
me: :O bad doggo!
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seen from China
me, seeing the robot thing in metalhead: :O doggo!
robot: [starts shooting everyone in the head]
me: :O bad doggo!
my moms since-highschool best friend is dying completely unexpectedly. her kidneys and liver are failing and she's going into hospice. i grew up with her daughter and she always was another parent/mom in my life. her daughter is a year younger than me. we went camping all the time, i stayed at their house constantly. i remember their string of dogs and going to her daughters fear factor themed birthday party where i tried tapioca pudding for the first time ("goosebumps", we were 9-11 i think)
it hasn't really hit me, i don't deal with death or loss well i don't think and spend most of my time not thinking about it but every time i do i just. sit and cry and i'm trying so hard to let myself feel it but whew!!! whew.
and i won't be able to see her if she passes or be able to attend anything because of covid and i rarely feel like i need to be there for. events but my heart hurts so much
I had the most wonderful dream about George. He was kind of flitting in and out of it as he was when he was young, and I spoke to him a little bit but not much. Then at the end I was in a pub, walking around, and I came to some men sitting at a table. I tapped one of the men on the back and he turned around and it was George, as he was when he was older, just before he died. He gave me a beautiful smile and then stood up and I hugged him for a long time, and I felt like I was protecting him. It was so lovely. It just felt so nice.
im so tired i wish i was dead but i made pan cake for breakfast but i'm going to go back to sleep and get up at like 9:45 lol
im supposed to be writing a 10 page paper on gender but instead im mildly disassociating and thinking about burning at the stake LOL
i want one of those freak accidents where the passenger side gets totaled and then the driver walks away without a scratch
idfk no words i have can possibly like ever really communicate how hopeless and depressed i feel most of the time and that's very cool i love constantly fantasizing about dying