Journal - Tuesday, December 4th, 2018
What a weird night last night. It wasn’t so much weird as it was I was sober. I wanted to drink so bad, but I did good. I did get to the point where I just wanted to be home and not talk to anyone. I was J&T and N&S and just didn’t have the energy to talk to them. It was great seeing Eric and Tony. They have a show on the 19th that I’ll go too. Hangout with the folks till the show so I don’t have to come all the way home, but I don’t know what happened. Maybe I was looking forward to seeing Luna that I just made me not want to be there. Then the ride home I was just bummed. Thoughts of killing myself started popping up and that hasn’t happened in a long time. I was even thinking about hoe I would do it and how I could do it and not have my family find me. It was bad. I’m fine now, but maybe it was cause I wanted to drink so bad it just and not having one just ruined it. It cause I should have just stayed home. The Quacks were cool, and Beemaster as well, but I think its only cause I was sober. If I couldn’t have brought the week it would have be better.
Cont on 10/28
So I have Ty down for dinner on Friday. Probably Melca as well. Once I hear from James and Tsvet then I can figure if I need to invite someone else. I still want to invite her. I would say something like: Hey, I don’t mean to bug you, but I’m having a couple friends over for dinner on Friday and I was wondering if you want to join us. I’m making pierogies and I can make some vegan ones no problemo. I invited James and Tsvet, but I haven’t heard back, but I’m thinking around 7pm for dinner and possibly we’ll play some board games. Let me know! Something like that. maybe soy something along the lines of I really hope you can make it.
Cont on 10/26
I realized on the way home from work today that I still have like half the year to fill out this month. Right no I have 158 days left to fill in 17 days. Still doing good at 6 a day technically 7 if you count the day I have to write. I got this! Left overs are delicious. I sliced up some potatoes with jalapenos and roasted them up and its delicious! It’s almost like a weird form of Irish nachos! Plus the actually tortilla chops. It’s great. And I did good and didn’t over eat today. Maybe intermittent fasting is the way to go. I get to binge eat but its no a couple times a day. Like usual. Who would have thought potatoes on potatoes would be so good! I want to do like a roasted pepper hummus I could always so garlic, but I feel that’s easy. or maybe I’ll just do one. I just don’t know. Well, I asked her (Luna). Lets see if she replies. Probably won’t. I do not have my hopes up. It’s whatever. I want to say that I wont care and just move on but I know if I see her and she i s excited to see I will gall right back into it.
Cont on 10/25
Well, she replied. Which is cool. Hopefully this all works out! I think it will. Worst comes to worst it’ll be Ty and Melca and just J&T can’t make it, I will invite some more people. I’m excited. It would be so cool to play that show. I’ll make a group message tomorrow morning and see if its something that can actually happen. James and Tsvet cannot make. I wish I would have known about Vivian’s party cause I would much rather do that. But with out drinking it would be tough. I would do alright though. Just have to be more open like I am after a few drinks. Loosen up, I can be just as fun sober. I know I can. But it would be so nice to spend some time with her. I think I would. If Ty happens to ail by Friday. I’ll hit up James and see if he wouldn’t mind seeing if I would go to the party. Either way. This month is shaping up to be a good one. Minus the bear. Tera Melos Saturday. Hola Mons Monday. I’ll probably skip the Guitar thing. Wait. That’s a different week i think? Then maybe I’ll play a show with BTU on the 21st
Cont on 10/24
I’m dedicated to getting a home gym. I will get an exercise bike and weights and just work out everyday. After the New Year. I’ll get Neal back to the gym. I’ll have it be my bike day? or do pull ups and other things I can’t do at home. I just can’t wait to lose this weight. 209 this morning. Well see what its at tomorrow. I did good. I don’t know how much I ate, but I feel it was under 1500 for sure. I should be under 209 tomorrow. I will eat breakfast and no lunch. Then the same dinner, but just one potato tomorrow. I should definitely be under 200 by NYE. Just take it easy. I’ll make the quinua salad for lunch next week with some fresh veggies. Dinner will be I don’t know, but it will be healthy. Gotta take it easy on the pizza for sure. Once a month type thing. Its just sooooo good. I’ll do a double batch the sauce and freeze some. Maybe I’ll do a meat but with the ground meat I have. Maybe. I don’t know. I do know I should have been better with writing in this. It may take longer than this month to finish it, but no matter where I’m at I will start a new planner after new years.
Cont on 10/23
I wonder if I can make stuffed bell peppers with tofu/mushrooms/veggies. I’ll give it a shot and see how it goes. I feel it needs a fat. Maybe use coconut oil? I will start my sour dough starter next week for sure. If I start it when I said I would I would be swimming in sour dough bread. I kind of hope Luna doesn’t make it, then I don’t have to do it all vegan. I’ll do a cheesy periogi with bacon and onion sauce, and if its just the three of us I’ll invite Lil’B and Austin and Faith tomorrow and see if they are down. I wouldn’t mind at all if they come over. I’m just kidding. I do hope Luna will make it and crash here. Fridge need to be cleaned. I’ll clean the bathroom and do some laundry tomorrow. I really need to start writing neater to be able to read this later. Laying down and writing just doesn’t work. Puck up the living room and dining room and that’ll be good. I wish I could easily wash this blanket just in case. I need to clean out this laptop and fix this stupid virus. I may bet this bear off. Maybe I do like it. And my hair is looking good as well.
