#deep dark shit

[judasisgayriot]

There are bits of this book that just GET me. Like, GET me

[unisex-muffin]

Vent under the cut, I usually don’t post deep dark personal thoughts on the internet but with all the shit I’ve seen today and nobody to talk to, this is the only place I can turn.

I slept though the election, and today I woke up to this. I laid in bed, staring at the ceiling, and I cried. I cried as I heard my grandmother happily call down my 7 year old little sister to celebrate Trump becoming president. I cried as I thought about my future. I cried as I realized that this was real, and just how bad the consequences are going to be.

I’m afraid, I’ll admit. I’m afraid I’ll be stuck married to a man I don’t love, pregnant with a baby I don’t want, and doing “woman’s work” for as long as I live. I’m afraid that my little sister will grow up to think that she has no worth other than being a wife and mother, and that she’s required to do so and has no say otherwise. I’m afraid that she and my mother and I will be stuck living with my grandparents until they die.

Most of all, though, I’m afraid for the public. I’m afraid for my friend who is still in high school and openly gay and I’m not there to protect him. I’m afraid that minorities being physically attacked in broad daylight without consequence will become an everyday commodity. I’m afraid this mindset will reach the media and we’ll go back to making fun of minorities instead of embracing differences. I’m afraid that Obamacare will be repealed. I’m afraid that welfare, health insurance, social security, and other programs helping the less fortunate will be either cut severely or shut down altogether. I’m afraid that minimum wage will actually be lowered. I’m afraid nukes will be launched at a country that already doesn’t like us and we’ll all be watching the apocalypse happen as we’re already dying from being unable to afford to take care of ourselves. I’m afraid that the new senators that were elected will just be fired just because they are women/openly gay/black/Hispanic, and that a new law will be passed allowing that to happen. I’m afraid Trump’s trial will be rigged to where he isn’t found guilty, and if he is there will be a huge coverup to where no one will hear about it and he’ll continue to be president. I’m afraid for those with mental illness or neurological differences, who might be just as marginalized and tossed into hospitals regardless of severity.

I’m afraid. And everyone keeps saying that it will get better and that things will turn around and that there will be a reelection, but I can’t bring my self to believe it. Maybe things will look up in the future, but I can’t see it happening right now.

But, I have one more thing to say. If you have read this far.

Don’t do anything drastic. Don’t get yourself arrested. Don’t commit suicide. Don’t run away. Don’t disown your family. Don’t threaten to do anything that will alert the feds. This will not help. This will only make things worse. If you need to cry, cry. If you need to scream and yell, scream and yell. If you can get out, make preparations and get out. If you can’t get out, hold on, make preparations, plan ahead. If you still feel like shit, that’s okay, so do I. If you haven’t lost hope, then hold on to that hope. Stay safe, protect yourself and protect those who you can. We’re all afraid, you’re not alone in this.

[okas-always-dreaming]

I'm in the mood for hearing some really dark shit from you guys so if you would be so kind I have an ask box

[they-call-him-strider-blog]

Below the cut is this really fucking weird thing that I wrote and I feel vaguely like I'm on drugs after writing and DAMN that's weird. But so here it is. Poem-prose-writing-type-thingy. No particular fandom or story, just a thing. Think about it. Tell me what you think. PLEASE?

It’s 8:00 in the morning, And I’m driving to school, or to work, or the coffee shop, Books or papers or pictures in my bag, And I’m wide awake as I drink my espresso, I don’t know why I still get coffee.

It’s 9:00 in the morning, And I’m stuck in class, or at work, or in line in the coffee shop, Bored or tired or irritated, And I’m falling asleep as my fingers type words That hold no meaning.

It’s 10:00 in the morning, And I’m busy in class, or at work, or back at the coffee shop, Getting a snack or a drink or a break, And I’m waiting in line to pay for my order That I don’t even want.

It’s 11:00 in the morning, And I’m still here at school, or at work, or on bad days the coffee shop, Taking a break because I’m sick of it all, And I’m sitting alone as the bell rings at the door, And someone walks inside – are they having a better day?

It’s 12:00 and sharp noon, I can see the sun through the window of the classroom, or my office, or the coffee shop, On bad days I’m still sitting there, pondering meanings, And I’m still all alone as the barista asks if I need something, But I always say no.

It’s 1:00 in the afternoon, And I’m trapped here at school, or at work, or the coffee shop, Though I’ve probably left by now seeing as I have obligations, Even though I’m trying to avoid those in the first place, I get up and leave if I haven’t.

It’s 2:00 in the afternoon, And I walk back to school, or to work, but not the coffee shop, Because I know I’ve spent too many hours in there today, And I watch the sun fall slowly in the sky As my fingers keep their monotonous routine, pressing away at the keys.

It’s 3:00 in the afternoon, But the day’s almost over, and soon I can go to the coffee shop, Only this time I’ll get decaf because it’s afternoon and I’m still awake, And I open the drawer and grab keys to my car, And my bag, and I leave.

It’s 4:00 in the afternoon, And I’m driving from school, or from work, or the coffee shop, And I get home and unlock the door and lock it back behind me, Because I’m paranoid, and I feed the cat and I feed the fish and I feed myself, Even though it’s not dinner time yet.

It’s 5:00 in the afternoon, And I’m sitting at home, drinking something from the coffee shop, And it’s cold now, so I heat it up but it burns my tongue, But I don’t feel the burn anymore because this always happens, There’s a cat at my feet, meowing.

It’s 6:00 in the evening, And I’m sitting at home, I just ordered takeout food Because I’m far too tired to cook tonight, as I am every night, Even though I feel wide awake, I’m sleeping And the cat has gone outside.

It’s 7:00 in the evening, And the sky’s growing dark, because it’s fall and the days get shorter, There’s a storm coming, I’ll hear it tonight, and be kept awake, Though I guess being awake is normal by now, Because it storms every night.

It’s 8:00 at night, And I’m sitting in bed, typing stuff on my laptop, And my cat jumps up on the bed and curls up next to me, My left hand absentmindedly reaching to pet her As the storm outside begins.

It’s 9:00 at night, And I’m dying inside, listening to some shitty music, I don’t know the words, I don’t remember the tune, All I know is that I play it every night, trying to get to sleep And the storm keeps raging.

It’s 10:00 at night, And I have to be at school or at work or the coffee shop tomorrow, So I really ought to be asleep, shouldn’t I…oh well, I’m not tired, the storm is too loud for me to sleep, as it is every night, And my cat wants to leave, so I get up and open the door and then close it back.

It’s 11:00 at night, And for some reason I left the door cracked earlier, I can’t sleep with the door cracked, so I get up and shut it completely, And I can hear my stupid hamster on the wheel, Doesn’t that thing know it’s time to go to bed?

It’s 12:00 at sharp midnight, And I’m always awake at this time, even though the storm’s dying down, But a new one always comes again, which is annoying, And sometimes the power goes out, every other Tuesday and every Thursday opposite, But it doesn’t stay out for more than an hour or two.

It’s 1:00 in the morning, I really ought to be sleeping, but I’m still not tired, and the power went out But it doesn’t bother me, because now today’s technically a Thursday, Which is close to the end of the week so I can have fun on the weekend, Except I never do, because everything is boring.

It’s 2:00 in the morning, And I’m thinking about school, or my job, or the coffee shop, And I make a home pot of coffee, but it doesn’t taste the same, And I shouldn’t drink it because it will keep me awake too late tonight, But I haven’t gone to sleep yet.

It’s 3:00 in the morning, And I’m still not asleep, in my bed, and it’s dark out, But in a few hours the sunrise will happen, only in shades of green instead of warm colors, And I’m never able to figure out why it’s green and blue, Because that’s not what color it’s supposed to be.

It’s 4:00 in the morning, And I get up and walk around the house, but first I have to turn all the lights on, Because it’s weird walking in the dark alone and it scares me, So while I’m bored and walking I check all the windows and doors, And I make sure they’re locked, but who would break in?

It’s 5:00 in the morning, And the grey dawn is rising, which will turn to more grey, I forgot that on Thursdays the sunrise is just grey, Because everything is grey on Thursdays, which is weird to me, And it’s kind of dumb.

It’s 6:00 in the morning, And I get up and wash my face and brush my teeth and my hair and my cat, And I feed all the animals, and I think about getting breakfast but I don’t, Because it’s Thursday and I eat breakfast on Wednesdays, Mondays, and Saturdays, And it’s very important not to break the schedule, also it’s still grey.

It’s 7:00 in the morning, And I have to be ready for school or for work or to drive to the coffee shop, And I run through my order in my head even though it’s the same every day, And I wonder sometimes if I’m living in a dream instead of real life, But why would my dream be so boring and constantly awake if I was? That’s dumb too.

It’s 8:00 in the morning, And I’m driving to school, or to work, or the coffee shop, Books or papers or pictures in my bag, And I’m wide awake as I drink my espresso, I don’t know why I still get coffee.

  God knows what time it is, Because I’m dying inside, and wherever I am it doesn’t matter, And everything is grey and the power is out which is wrong because it’s already been out and my cat is sick and my hamster got eaten by the sick cat and my fish drowned and my laptop fell off my bed and broke while I was gone which never happens because I’m always careful to put it in its case but I forgot and I never forget which is wrong too and then there are colors which is wrong because things are grey on Thursdays and then someone tells me it’s Saturday and I’m confused and remember I didn’t eat breakfast because I thought it was Thursday not Saturday and I’m getting really confused because this never happens and there’s a meteor falling out of the sky headed right for me and I realize I’m not in a dream this is all real and I’m going to die here and not ever get up again and then it stops and everything stops and it’s still and I can move but everyone else is frozen there isn’t a day for this or a time or a place and I’m scared because every day it’s the same thing and the same boring life at school or at work or the coffee shop and I’m dead and there’s no afterlife everything’s just black and I’m wandering alone forever.

I’m terrified. Someone help me, but there’s no one to help me, and I’m dead and alone and my fucking fish drowned and that’s not even possible how the hell did I screw that one up

  Why am I in a bed? Why am I in a white gown? Nothing is grey any more. Did I die and then come back to life in another world?

And I look around and there are doctors and people who I vaguely think I know but can’t place in my head, and they’re my friends and family. And then everything is black again and I’m dead.