#deep inside myself

[kiarits]

©Paolo Uberti. Surreal Art

[kiarits]

If I think of the few hats I wore, I am reminded of the ending of a book that flowed into my eyes while, inside, my soul was scratched even though everything, in the end, did not add up.

If I think of the few hats I wore, vague moments come to mind when at all costs I wanted one, just to cover my thoughts.

If I think of the few hats I wore, I see the ones I gave away, as long as the others did not experience them in the same way but enjoyed their lightness.

If I think of the few hats I wore, I don't know if I've ever felt completely inside them, but they were enough for me to hide, to feel just the right amount of diversity on me to comfort and deceive myself.

But if I now think of the few hats I wore, today only one comes to mind, the one that no one has chosen for me and that I have decided to wear and throw in the air.

So, after all, life works. Sooner or later, stop covering yourself and choose. To be and put away.

My words, 2020

[maura-mitchell7-blog]

Lost in Thought

Maura scanned over her schedule as she wandered the halls of Green Haven. It was her free period, and since she hadn’t acquired even one friend yet, this is how she spent it – memorizing where her classes were. She looked down at her iPod, skipping through a few of her pre-metal-days songs until she reached a track she actually liked. After a while, she gave up on trying to navigate through the labyrinth that was her new school. She sat down at a table in the cafeteria – alone, as had become the norm for her. Back at home, Maura would have hung out with Will, trying to crack the shell that was his quiet, introverted attitude. She would have ragged on the world with him. She would have seen through his poker face when he told her he was okay.

 Of course, even if she was still home, Will would have avoided her now, after what happened with the whole “Isaac” thing. God, it was just a joke! She didn’t really intend for the dumbass to hitch a ride out of town to a fucking porn store to meet this gay guy who doesn’t even exist. But of course that’s what he’d done. And now he was pissed at her. Nice going, Maura. Not only is he gay, but you just fucked up your chances of ever dating him if he ever realizes how perfect you'd be together. Maura pulled out her phone to text him, maybe even apologize again, but eventually she put it back in her bag.

 There were a few people milling about the caf, like Maura was. She surveyed the preps, the stoners, the hipsters, the jocks. On paper, Green Haven could boast about its “universal equality of students” all it wanted, but in reality it was just another high school, Maura thought to herself.

 From her backpack, Maura pulled out her notes from Friday’s chemistry class. Mrs. Childs’ lecture over heat capacity had made absolutely zero sense, so her notes had suffered along with Maura’s sanity. The woman could talk for hours about a toenail, Maura figured. As she tried to unscramble and reassemble her notes into something remotely coherent, she thought of the one person who had actually somewhat welcomed her on her first day. What was her name? Rose? Yeah, it was definitely Rose. You can’t expect people to fawn over you, she’d said. Well yeah, that had been pretty evident. Nobody flocks to a Goth girl, anyway. Maura glanced up at her reflection on a nearby window; with her blood-red lipstick and pitch black eyeshadow, she admitted to herself that she looked particularly intimidating. Satisfied, she turned back to her notes.