#deevers

[thegreatmindofwords]

I really don’t know how people move on when they lose someone they love or someone that they are really close. I know you can never fully move on, but how they keep their composure weeks after tragedy. I have my tearful moments when alone, but looking back to Sept 2, 2016, Grandma’s birthday and I show up just after mom and dad, walk in telling her that there’s a list of people signed up to do the spankings. She never had much of a excitement look in that place, but she gave a small smile. I regret when I left I didn’t hug her or give her a kiss as I always did before, she passed away on Sept 11th.

I can’t get my head around what happen to mom, there was never any signs she was having troubles, unless she held them from us. I try to think if there were signs from that Saturday, but I can hardly remember the last time I saw her face. It was that Tuesday she passed away, last text we were chatting about store closing and looking forward to the sales. I wish, like dad says, someone was there to help her even if the outcome was the same. I can’t get that day out of my head, the call from dad, the drive out home, the door being locked, the image, the coldness, and the moment my world crashed again. 

I seriously am thinking of selling my house and everything and leaving, I can’t do this death deal anymore. I struggle to realize mom isn’t here, she isn’t a call away, she isn’t there to go out and roam. Everything my family has done for me since that moment doesn’t seem enough to help me move on a little bit. I keep getting these moments where it feels my heart is dropping or something has left it. My head and heart are going crazy, it sucks that it’s been two weeks since she passed and the world never stopped, life kept going, we all were working, the “what if” keep running in my head, I sit at the grave every day, talk to her and cry, I can’t stop working, I can’t just rewind time to be there for her, I always told her I was there if she ever needed help and that day I couldn’t of done anything.

I just don't know what to do anymore, everything has just lost it's purpose...

[thegreatmindofwords]

Struggle

It's hard to go each day thinking mom will be at home or will call saying her vacation is going great. It's been 12 days and I haven't had a break down in a week. I feel that my mind has shut out the fact mom passed away without notice. My heart seems to have lost it's joy in doing things as mom was there with me. Now it's in town looking at things she would have love and bought, hell I had a question for her and I pulled my phone out to call then I realized that wouldn't be possible. I said I have been traumatized from what I saw that day, my best friend and mom laying there, only to think she was sleeping and the feel of coldness. I can't put my mind around that she is gone even though I am at her grave everyday. We each wish we were there at that moment to be able to have had the chance to save her. As Monday approaches which is my birthday I have scratched it off, I will not celebrate it this year as my mom was the reason I had joy in it. My family has been great to help mom, but to get her odd gift was my highlight. I dread the 27th