everything I didn't expect to learn this semester
I was prepared for this semester to be hard.
Funny thing is, I wouldn't have it any other way.
I was prepared to experience difficulty because I officially became accepted into one of the best nursing programs in the nation this semester (or so they tell me). I was prepared to have difficulty juggling my hard classes along with being a new sophomore R.A. in an upperclassman dorm. I was prepared to struggle with time management because I am stubborn and refuse to drop out of the 1,000 organizations that I am involved in. Heck I was even prepared to have difficulty handling this new phenomenon called homesickness that I've never really experienced before because I had this incredible summer full of people that I did not want to leave.
What I wasn't expecting was for life to be hard in these other ways that I could never have been prepared for.
Here are some things I didn't expect to happen.
1. Really seriously trusting in Christ alone.
I think I thought I knew what it meant. But I really didn't.
I have this tendency to rely on humans too much.
And you know what? Humans are humans and we are all selfish and we all fail and disappoint people. We can't be relied upon.
One of the first things that I realized in college was that even when people said they were definitely totally going to be free to study with you Wednesday at 6, or go to a haunted maze with you Saturday evening, or were absolutely positively going to text you so you could go to lunch together tomorrow, they still backed out 95 % of the time. I see this in myself, too.
That seemed to be amplified for me this year ten fold. And in more important ways than just plans.
I constantly struggle with relying too much on human relationships for my validation and I end up hurt and disappointed every time. I've learned to trust in Christ alone. Period. He is my fulfillment - I rely on no one else and nothing else. When I can do that I can give to the people in my life instead of expecting them to fulfill certain needs within me and I can stop responding in defensiveness, hurt, and envy when they aren't filled.
I also experienced this lately with expectations. Not everyone knows me like they did in high school. I am not on Waynesburg Crush. I am still single. I am not first in my class anymore. I am not the perfect YoungLife leader or R.A. And I miss my mommy.
And I've gotten to the point where I realize that that's ok that I don't meet my own standards for who I want to be. Because I don't trust in my achievement of those standards for my fulfillment.
2. Seek and you will find.
You may immediately think of the scripture (or you may not):
Matthew 7:7 "Keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for. Keep on seeking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened to you."
And yes this is primarily where I have discovered the truth in this statement. That when I seek God I will find Him. When I seek His kingdom and His righteousness first and foremost I discover that there is absolutely nothing else that matters to me. It's great, you should try it.
But I actually have been finding that this is true in other ways, too. Like if I seek the answers in pharmacology when I don't know what the heck these professors are talking about (ex: google) I will find them. Or as an R.A., when I annoyingly knock on doors over and over and over, I will eventually get someone to answer and hang out with me. Or when I am lonely - if I seek and open my eyes to the people around me - I discover some awesome people. And when I take the initiative to meet people and put myself out there to create new relationships - I find them. Imagine that.
When I'm not happy with situations in my life and stop pouting about them and take the initiative to change them - it works.
I always said I hated sushi because I kept eating nasty sushi at Chinese Buffets. But then I had real sushi. And it's safe to say my life has been forever changed by its mind blowing deliciousness.
3. Embracing the awkward and uncomfortable in life is hilarious and exciting.
As a YoungLife leader - we talk about this a lot. Going in high schools and hanging out with kids and creating an environment and loving relationship for them to meet Jesus can be completely awkward. I have kids ask me all the time why I don't have friends because I am sitting among them at a high school game 15 miles from my university. You kinda get used to it after a while.
But see, what the heck is life without risk? Seriously. I've always believed this but I kinda got away from it for a while here this semester.
I forgot my love for doing things that scare me.
Because it changes you and makes you feel alive when you experience something completely new to you. And that's important.
And also, a YoungLife area director pointed this out to me - Jesus put his disciples in some CRAZY awkward and uncomfortable situations. Walking on water. Asking the disciples to leave families behind in a split second. Feeding five thousand with a loaf of bread and two fish. Ridiculous. Exciting. Life changing.
So. Clinicals? Bring it. Sitting with people I don't know? Alright. Meeting high school kids in the name of Jesus? You got it. Going backpacking for a month and a half this summer? Absolutely. Meeting every resident in my halls and trying to provide community for them? I will try my best.
4. Love even when you are hurt.
It is really hard to love people when they hurt you and they don't even know it. And I never had to do that much before. In some of my friendships this year I experienced feelings of being left out and forgotten that I never have before. And I would get extremely defensive and downright rude, to my shame, at times. And a bitterness entered me.
My solution? Compliment when I am insulted. Appreciate people and their work when they forget mine. Go the extra mile. Notice struggles and trying to meet them. Celebrate victories of others that I see even if mine aren't seen. Giving when I am hurt. It is ridiculously hard. But I find it is significantly less hard when, again, I rely on Jesus Christ for my fulfillment and not people. Because it doesn't matter if I am forgotten as long as I have Jesus Christ.
And I didn't come up with this on my own. I just decided to actually, you know, follow what the Bible says for once. Big surprise again: IT ACTUALLY WORKS!
5. Love the people around you right now.
I'm learning to stop wishing that relationships (or lack thereof...) in my life were different. There are plenty of people around me right now. I don't need to wish for different ones. Out of 7 billion some people - these handful around me every day occupy the same space as me. I refuse to see that as a coincidence and have resolved to love whoever is around me, no matter what.
And sometimes all my words don't mean a single thing. Sometimes we all just get tired and lack motivation of any kind. Sometimes nothing seems worth it. Sometimes I want to drop out of nursing school because it really gets old studying practically every day of my life. Sometimes I don't even wanna be a Christian anymore. Because sometimes that is wearying, too. And sometimes I just want my life to be normal - I don't want to have to think about the way I live life or put the extra effort into maintaining my relationship with God.
Luckily, God fights for me anyway. But even through days of greyness - press on. Keep chugging. Fight the good fight and don't give up. Because in the moments when you can't remember why you started - when you fight on and persevere anyway - you will eventually come to a place where you remember and you will be so glad you didn't quit. I've realized that there is always a new sunrise waiting around the corner, no matter the darkness of the night.
7. Being a person of character is most important when people aren't looking.
When you look at someone you can't possibly know everything about who they are and what their life looks like.
To be the person I want to be I have to put the effort in behind the scenes. I have to make sure I am being filled and inspired on a daily basis - even if no one sees. And especially knowing that no one sees.
And it is incredible the effect that focusing on your own character can have. I am trying this thing where, again I actually follow what the Bible says and I pattern my thoughts after everything that is true, right, holy, and good and refuse to let myself think of anything else - and the change in perspective itself is life-changing and being intentionally thankful makes me so much more joy-filled.
8. If I'm really gonna do this, I gotta really die.
So, there's this thing that happens when you follow Jesus with everything you are. Or try to.
Eventually He asks you to give up everything you thought your life would look like.
For me recently those things have been: the guy I wanted to date, time I wanted to spend with my friends, sleep, my expectations for the year, swearing, certain music, money, and pride. I think the things God asks us to give up, to an extent, are different for every Christian and depend on where God has brought them thus far in their life. This is just where I've been at.
And it's really hard and I get bitter and I get mad at God.
But then I am so thankful that God never lets me settle. Because what He wants for me is so much more fulfilling. And it takes real guts to try and give up this stuff. I struggle with it everyday. But Jesus sacrificed his life for me, so it's understandable that He ask me to give up some things for Him, too - to enhance our relationship. And funny thing is, I find life more peaceful and exciting and full than I ever could have dreamed or expected when I can do this.
9. The importance of space.
I never used to be able to stand silences in conversation. I always had to fill it with talking. But, especially in being an R.A. this year, I've discovered that sometimes if I just stop talking and resist the urge the just end the conversation right away if nothing is happening - people create these crazy awesome conversations with you just because you give them space to.
And similarly, my life doesn't have to be planned to a T. It doesn't always have to be busy to be of worth. There needs to be room for spontaneity and for God to speak and move. If I am not making myself available to Him - then He is not able to move within me and my life.
And also silence is important. Silence in terms of solitude where you allow yourself to develop as an individual away from the constant state of connectedness that defines our society these days. Silence to really hear the people around you - what they are saying between the lines and the needs and wants in them that no one else is meeting. And, you know, some words just don't need to be said. Actions speak so much louder. And words that bring negative consequences are truly better left unsaid. And part of being a person of character is acquiring the skill to filter our words - because they reflect our hearts.(also biblical, not just me)
I saved this one for last because this is the one I'm most unsure of but I still want to share my thoughts anyway. This is true to me in my experience but I have a feeling it is still pretty controversial and I know I still have kinks to work out. (but guess what , even if I don't figure it out - God is bigger than that too)
Lately I've been cringing when someone says "God's Plan". Because yes, I know I have been a Christian for a long time and I should have this figured out by now. But I really don't. Because there are so many conflicting things tumbling around from what people say and what I read and what people believe about "God's Plan". I avoided it for a long time. But I am slowly coming to a realization. And it is just a beginning - I am still chewing on this. But here's what I got, two things:
The first: You are God's Plan.
God created you and me one-of-a-kind, completely unique in every single little intimate aspect. He created and placed in you your hopes, your dreams, your passions, your talents, your likes, your dislikes, every little thing that makes you. Those things within you will lead you to what you will do with your life, the places you go and the people you end up with. You are drawn to them because of the makeup of who you are. You were made for them. When you are being you to the fullest extent with a life centered on a relationship with God - you are fulfilling God's plan and you are right where you are meant to be.
Jesus Christ is God's plan.
The other part is that God's plan for you and me for our lives is to have a relationship with Jesus Christ. And then when that happens and our lives are focused on him - we are again exactly where we need to be.
You go to a college you like. You pursue a job that fits your talents and interests. You marry a person you love. Those are dependent on the person you are. And when you have a relationship with Jesus Christ and who you are is centered on God alone - you are fulfilling God's plan and that leads you to those things anyway. So let's stop worrying about if we are in the "right" or "wrong" place in "God's Plan for us". Because if we are loving God first and being who we are to the best we can - we are right smack in the middle of God's plan.
Yea that's what I've gotten out of life so far into the semester. You are really awesome if you read this entire thing, because man - that was a lot of pent up thought!
Also, I think it's really great if you don't agree with me and think this Jesus stuff is nuts and yet you still read this and can respect my views. Because I still respect yours, too. I realize we are all different. Happy pondering!
