the pursuit of reckless abandon

I'm Jessie. I like the phrase "reckless abandon" because I think it describes accurately what a life following Jesus is supposed to look like. That's what I'm trying to do here - write about my feeble attempts to do just that.

[findingrecklessabandon-blog]

I do believe in magic

I think it started in Laz. Laz is that place you imagine in your head where fairytales happen. When you walk in the fields there you feel magical. You have to blink several times to convince yourself that you really are standing in such a beautiful place, that what you are looking at is real. If I didn’t already believe in God, standing in Laz would have convinced me all over again. Backing up though, speaking of magic - it was here that I discovered again that I do, indeed, believe in magic after all. Let me explain.  

There were three precious kids with us when we went there. I guess Adrian started it. He is about eight and tends to get a mischievous glint in his eyes and you know then to expect trouble…or in this case, a beautifully kind gesture.  He beckoned to the two other little girls we had along – Anamaria and Annabelle, and together they started to pick wildflowers for all of us.  One by one we each got handed a fistful of wildflowers. There was a brief moment that I thought I’d be the only one not receiving them. Last but not least though, sweet Annabelle handed me a clump of delicate yellow buds.

There. That moment I thought I’d be forgotten and when, to my surprise, I heard the high pitched Romanian accent of Annabelle calling, “Jessie.” And her shy eyes as she looked up at me from her short stature and held her small arms toward me – offering a few stems she had just picked. Not only that, though. It was the look in her eyes. The delight she took in her offering. The “look what I did for you! Aren’t they beautiful?” That was the moment I believed in magic again.

It took a foreign country and this species we call child (that I’ve never had much experience with), but, this was the first of innumerable moments within the two weeks I was struck by this. It was something I saw in the innocence and sincerity of Annabelle’s shy eyes, something I began to discover in every child. I can’t put it much into words. It’s in every child I’ve met - a blunt love, a genuine joy, a pure delight, an honest need. Sometimes I just call it magic.

Moment after moment this magic struck me. It struck me in tiny Ioana running to greet anyone who walked through the door with a hug, even if she didn’t know them, in Claudiu willing to cuddle anyone who would offer, in Alexandra dragging whoever was available to play “Guess Who” for hours. It struck me in Annabelle telling me over and over again, “You look like a princess, Jessie.” It struck me in the little girl in church who would twirl, skip, laugh and reach toward heaven in her pink plaid dress during worship - like she truly was before the throne of God.  

The way a child loves is without boundary or prejudice. They are unafraid and unconfined in their expressions of joy or any other emotion. If they are sad – you know it, if they are happy – you know it, if they are mad – you really know it. They aren’t afraid to ask to be loved or held or twirled or tickled. They are beautifully blunt. They don’t judge by appearance and they give every person a chance – especially if you will give piggy back rides. They find joy and delight in everything. In every game of hokie pokie, in every sheep they can point to outside, in every kick of the soccer ball. In KFC buckets they see a hat; in people like you or me they see princesses and superheroes. This is the magic I speak of.  

I call it magic because it does something to you. It melts away a hardness of heart that I think we settle into as we grow up. That stiff box and cold expectation in the processes of going through life. As adults the magic of a childlike heart is scrubbed away. I didn’t even notice that I did it until I decided to hop on a plane and spend two weeks surrounded by kids in Romania. I think Jesus was familiar with this magic, too. In fact, I think He preserved it in Himself. He fought for it and taught it – He defended little children and said you needed to be like them to get into heaven. I think He knows what He’s talking about. So from now on, I guess it’s safe to say that yes, indeed, I do believe in magic.

[findingrecklessabandon-blog]

when I think I can earn grace

I’ve been learning an awful lot about grace lately.

This year it seems like a lot of stuff has just plain been going wrong. From big to little, I’ve found myself saying, “Well. There you go again, Jessie. Screwing everything up.” It’s a lie that Satan uses to get right to the center of me.

Many of the things I’m talking about are really honestly my fault, too. Like sleeping through my alarm on my first day of clinical and showing up late. Like forgetting to turn in the take home portion of a test at the right time and therefore getting a 0 on that part which led to me to fail the whole test itself which led to me being forced to get tutoring that I don’t even need. Like forgetting that I was on duty this weekend as a Resident Assistant and getting a call when I’m an hour away from campus to inquire as to where I am.

Then there are other things. Like relationships that are off in ways I never expected with gaps I can’t fill. Like my expectations for myself as a YoungLife leader. Like struggling to therapeutically talk to my fake patient in my nursing lab simulation and feeling like I will never be able to adequately care for a kid who has just been paralyzed or help a patient with terminal illness face the end of their life.

My mom always said that I’m my own worst enemy.

It’s been so hard for me to understand that I’m forgiven by these people that I’ve affected with all these screw-ups. I almost cried when I walked into my clinical, 45 minutes late and my nursing professor looked me in the eye and said, “Jessie. It’s ok. I promise. I knew you would beat yourself up about this. These things happen, I understand. You’ve never been late before. It’s ok.” The other R.A. that I let down while forgetting I was on duty this weekend said something similar.

I literally had to force myself to believe them both. To believe that they would give me the grace to screw up. To accept that there is absolutely nothing I could do to fix whatever inconvenience, whatever mess I have made. The thought that they could lose their trust or respect for who I am eats at me, too. 

It’s even harder for me to forgive myself, especially in regards to hurting someone else. It always has been. I can remember endless conversations, particularly with my mom, centered around that topic.

I screw up. I’m just not…enough. And I try and try and try, but I just can’t do it. Because trust me, if anyone has tried - it's me. My nickname in high school was "try hard" for crying out loud!

There is nothing I can do except believe that these people are telling the truth when they say they forgive me. And move on. 

This reminds me a lot of this Jesus guy I know. As I grow closer to Him and want more and more to honor our relationship and realize what hurts His heart - I see just how not enough I am. I'm such a screw up, there is something innately off in everything I am. I try and I try and I try, but I just can’t do it.

But He took care of it. He took on all my screw-ups, He took on everything I will never be, He took on all my not enoughness and died for me to make up for it. He gives me the grace to mess up and be forgiven. It's completely free. There is absolutely nothing I can do to earn it. In this situation there is no possibility for me being able to try. 

"It’s ok, Jessie," He says. "You are made new in Me."

There is nothing I can do except believe that Jesus - Truth itself - is telling the truth.  And move on.  

[findingrecklessabandon-blog]

every little piece

I’ve been thinking about the story of Abraham and Isaac a lot. You know that crazy one where God asks Abraham to kill his son right after promising Abraham he would be the father of many nations? And as Abraham is about to do just that – God stops Abraham and let’s Isaac live because Abraham is obedient and faithful to God.

I used to be OK with that story.

I used to think, “Yep. OK God. I am willing to sacrifice my Isaac. Yessir. You just say the word. I’ll do it just like that.”

Yea, well. God’s funny. And I had noo idea what I was really asking for.

Because it seems like God has been asking me to do just that over and over and over again in my life. Every time I think I can keep something and invest in it, it gets taken away for some reason or another.   

And I’m kinda mad about it.

Because notice that God didn’t ask Abraham to just give up something little to prove his faithfulness. God doesn’t do little things. He likes the whole shebang. When God does stuff, He is an all or nothing kind of guy.

 He doesn’t ask Abraham to give up his house (tent?), or his livestock, his robes, his job, his iPod, his facebook account, his cool camel or whatever…no God asks for Abraham’s son. HIS SON.  Think about that!

As a father, Abraham’s world probably practically revolves around his son. He is deeply connected to his son. His son is a deep part of his heart, part of his life every single day, a joy and gift that Abraham thought he was never gonna get in the first place. I mean look at this:

 God told Abraham that he was going to be the father of many nations. He told Abraham and Sarah they were going to have a son (which they probably had a lot of trouble believing in the first place because they were old and out of that prime time for baby making).  But imagine the expectation of that, the excitement that Abraham and Sarah felt at the hope, and assurance from God,  that they were going to have a baby after all! They had a year to think and dream about this and become attached to it.  And imagine the celebration when viola, just like God promised - Isaac is born! And Abraham is like, “Yea! God did what He said he would! He is finally answering my prayer! I have a son!”( see Genesis 21 and 22)

But then God is like, “Actually…just kidding. Go kill Isaac your son, as a sacrifice to me.”

...WHAT?

God wants to take away the very thing he promised to Abraham.

Imagine being hit with that. Just take a minute and really think about it.

I will tell you what I would do if I were Abraham.

I would kick and scream and be angry and refuse to do what God said. I would be like, “WHAT THE HECK GOD ARE YOU CRAZY? You are going to take away something that you promised me. You promised I could have this. I thought it was a gift from you… I thought I could have this.”

And then because I would be really hurt by that I’d probably be a selfish, uncaring baby and take it out on everyone around me. Because God promised me something. And I thought I could keep it. And now He just took it away. And I don’t know if I can trust Him anymore.

But, God is faithful to Abraham - even when Abraham doesn't know how God is going to do that. And Abraham is a better at this than me and trusts God anyway. 

Abraham lifts the knife to stab his son as an offering to God – he stares his son straight in the face, completely willing to go through with letting God take the very thing that was promised to Him, completely believing that God was going to make Him do this…but completely believing God would be faithful to his promises all the same. 

…then.

“And Abraham picked up the knife to kill his son as a sacrifice. 11 At that moment the angel of the Lord called to him from heaven, “Abraham! Abraham!”

“Yes,” Abraham replied. “Here I am!”

12 “Don’t lay a hand on the boy!” the angel said. “Do not hurt him in any way, for now I know that you truly fear God. You have not withheld from me even your son, your only son.” (Genesis 22)

Can you feel the waves of relief washing over Abraham? His weak knees? His overwhelmed heart? His spinning head? Tears of joy? His worship? The cry in his heart of something like, “Oh Abba, Father. Thank you. Thank you. Abba.”

And then God assures Abraham that he will be blessed because of his obedience.

This last part…it’s really hard to put myself in. Do I truly fear God? Am I willing to put the very precious things God has promised me up for sacrifice to prove my faithfulness? Will God ask that of me? What would have happened if Abraham wasn’t obedient?

I don’t know.

And I don’t know how it is for other people. But it seems that I keep going through this again and again. “Jessie, are you faithful to me? Will you give me every little part of you? Every little piece?” God really, painfully, is not letting me hold on to anything.

And I’ll be honest – each time it gets harder, more painful and more difficult for me to obey and trust that God is going to provide. He sure doesn’t let me take the easy road.

He loves me too much for that.

In Christ alone. That’s it. God doesn’t want anything else in me.

And it all scares the crap out of me because I start to think, “What is God preparing me for?” He is truly cleaning me out and knocking down any crutch I could potentially have that would separate me from taking off full speed after Him.

Right now I hate it. Like I said, I don’t want to let go of the things that I want so badly. And even worse I don’t like thinking that I won’t ever get them.

But that’s the paradox with God. Even if I don’t get those things – that doesn’t matter because God’s love is bigger than that, too.

And maybe I’m getting excited now. In Christ alone. That screams dazzling adventure like nothing else. To dare to make my life nothing but Jesus. To dare to stare this world in the face and refuse to look anything like it. To turn my back on everything considered normal. In Christ alone. It is crazy. And reckless, and scandalous…and you know, this beautiful mess just might be the best thing that has ever happened to me.  

 Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us. We do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus, the champion who initiates and perfects our faith. Hebrews 12:1-2

RUN.

[findingrecklessabandon-blog]

everything I didn't expect to learn this semester

It’s been a while.

I was prepared for this semester to be hard.

But not like this.

Funny thing is, I wouldn't have it any other way.

I was prepared to experience difficulty because I officially became accepted into one of the best nursing programs in the nation this semester (or so they tell me).  I was prepared to have difficulty juggling my hard classes along with being a new sophomore R.A. in an upperclassman dorm. I was prepared to struggle with time management because I am stubborn and refuse to drop out of the 1,000 organizations that I am involved in. Heck I was even prepared to have difficulty handling this new phenomenon called homesickness that I've never really experienced before because I had this incredible summer full of people that I did not want to leave.

What I wasn't expecting was for life to be hard in these other ways that I could never have been prepared for.

Here are some things I didn't expect to happen.

1. Really seriously trusting in Christ alone.

I think I thought I knew what it meant. But I really didn't.

I have this tendency to rely on humans too much.

And you know what? Humans are humans and we are all selfish and we all fail and disappoint people. We can't be relied upon.

One of the first things that I realized in college was that even when people said they were definitely totally going to be free to study with you Wednesday at 6, or go to a haunted maze with you Saturday evening, or were absolutely positively going to text you so you could go to lunch together tomorrow, they still backed out 95 % of the time. I see this in myself, too.

That seemed to be amplified for me this year ten fold. And in more important ways than just plans.

I constantly struggle with relying too much on human relationships for my validation and I end up hurt and disappointed every time. I've learned to trust in Christ alone. Period. He is my fulfillment - I rely on no one else and nothing else. When I can do that I can give to the people in my life instead of expecting them to fulfill certain needs within me and I can stop responding in defensiveness, hurt, and envy when they aren't filled.

I also experienced this lately with expectations. Not everyone knows me like they did in high school. I am not on Waynesburg Crush. I am still single. I am not first in my class anymore. I am not the perfect YoungLife leader or R.A. And I miss my mommy.

And I've gotten to the point where I realize that that's ok that I don't meet my own standards for who I want to be. Because I don't trust in my achievement of those standards for my fulfillment.

I trust in Christ Alone.

2. Seek and you will find.

You may immediately think of the scripture (or you may not):

Matthew 7:7 "Keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for. Keep on seeking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened to you."

And yes this is primarily where I have discovered the truth in this statement. That when I seek God I will find Him. When I seek His kingdom and His righteousness first and foremost I discover that there is absolutely nothing else that matters to me. It's great, you should try it.

But I actually have been finding that this is true in other ways, too. Like if I seek the answers in pharmacology when I don't know what the heck these professors are talking about (ex: google) I will find them. Or as an R.A., when I annoyingly knock on doors over and over and over, I will eventually get someone to answer and hang out with me. Or when I am lonely - if I seek and open my eyes to the people around me - I discover some awesome people. And when I take the initiative to meet people and put myself out there to create new relationships - I find them. Imagine that.

When I'm not happy with situations in my life and stop pouting about them and take the initiative to change them - it works.

3. Sushi

I always said I hated sushi because I kept eating nasty sushi at Chinese Buffets. But then I had real sushi. And it's safe to say my life has been forever changed by its mind blowing deliciousness.

3. Embracing the awkward and uncomfortable in life is hilarious and exciting.

As a YoungLife leader - we talk about this a lot. Going in high schools and hanging out with kids and creating an environment and loving relationship for them to meet Jesus can be completely awkward. I have kids ask me all the time why I don't have friends because I am sitting among them at a high school game 15 miles from my university. You kinda get used to it after a while.

But see, what the heck is life without risk? Seriously. I've always believed this but I kinda got away from it for a while here this semester.

I forgot my love for doing things that scare me.

Because it changes you and makes you feel alive when you experience something completely new to you. And that's important.

And also, a YoungLife area director pointed this out to me - Jesus put his disciples in some CRAZY awkward and uncomfortable situations. Walking on water. Asking the disciples to leave families behind in a split second. Feeding five thousand with a loaf of bread and two fish. Ridiculous. Exciting. Life changing.

So. Clinicals? Bring it. Sitting with people I don't know? Alright. Meeting high school kids in the name of Jesus? You got it. Going backpacking for a month and a half this summer? Absolutely. Meeting every resident in my halls and trying to provide community for them? I will try my best.

4. Love even when you are hurt.

It is really hard to love people when they hurt you and they don't even know it. And I never had to do that much before. In some of my friendships this year I experienced feelings of being left out and forgotten that I never have before. And I would get extremely defensive and downright rude, to my shame, at times. And a bitterness entered me.

My solution? Compliment when I am insulted. Appreciate people and their work when they forget mine. Go the extra mile. Notice struggles and trying to meet them. Celebrate victories of others that I see even if mine aren't seen. Giving when I am hurt. It is ridiculously hard. But I find it is significantly less hard when, again, I rely on Jesus Christ for my fulfillment and not people. Because it doesn't matter if I am forgotten as long as I have Jesus Christ.

And I didn't come up with this on my own. I just decided to actually, you know, follow what the Bible says for once. Big surprise again: IT ACTUALLY WORKS!

5. Love the people around you right now.

I'm learning to stop wishing that relationships (or lack thereof...) in my life were different. There are plenty of people around me right now. I don't need to wish for different ones. Out of 7 billion some people - these handful around me every day occupy the same space as me. I refuse to see that as a coincidence and have resolved to love whoever is around me, no matter what.

6. Fight the good fight.

And sometimes all my words don't mean a single thing. Sometimes we all just get tired and lack motivation of any kind. Sometimes nothing seems worth it. Sometimes I want to drop out of nursing school because it really gets old studying practically every day of my life. Sometimes I don't even wanna be a Christian anymore. Because sometimes that is wearying, too. And sometimes I just want my life to be normal - I don't want to have to think about the way I live life or put the extra effort into maintaining my relationship with God.

Luckily, God fights for me anyway. But even through days of greyness - press on. Keep chugging. Fight the good fight and don't give up. Because in the moments when you can't remember why you started - when you fight on and persevere anyway - you will eventually come to a place where you remember and you will be so glad you didn't quit. I've realized that there is always a new sunrise waiting around the corner, no matter the darkness of the night.

7. Being a person of character is most important when people aren't looking.

When you look at someone you can't possibly know everything about who they are and what their life looks like.

To be the person I want to be I have to put the effort in behind the scenes. I have to make sure I am being filled and inspired on a daily basis - even if no one sees. And especially knowing that no one sees.

And it is incredible the effect that focusing on your own character can have. I am trying this thing where, again I actually follow what the Bible says and I pattern my thoughts after everything that is true, right, holy, and good and refuse to let myself think of anything else - and the change in perspective itself is life-changing and being intentionally thankful makes me so much more joy-filled.

8. If I'm really gonna do this, I gotta really die.

So, there's this thing that happens when you follow Jesus with everything you are. Or try to.

Eventually He asks you to give up everything you thought your life would look like.

For me recently those things have been: the guy I wanted to date, time I wanted to spend with my friends, sleep, my expectations for the year, swearing, certain music, money, and pride. I think the things God asks us to give up, to an extent, are different for every Christian and depend on where God has brought them thus far in their life. This is just where I've been at.

And it's really hard and I get bitter and I get mad at God.

But then I am so thankful that God never lets me settle. Because what He wants for me is so much more fulfilling. And it takes real guts to try and give up this stuff. I struggle with it everyday. But Jesus sacrificed his life for me, so it's understandable that He ask me to give up some things for Him, too - to enhance our relationship. And funny thing is, I find life more peaceful and exciting and full than I ever could have dreamed or expected when I can do this.

9. The importance of space.

I never used to be able to stand silences in conversation. I always had to fill it with talking. But, especially in being an R.A. this year, I've discovered that sometimes if I just stop talking and resist the urge the just end the conversation right away if nothing is happening - people create these crazy awesome conversations with you just because you give them space to.

And similarly, my life doesn't have to be planned to a T. It doesn't always have to be busy to be of worth. There needs to be room for spontaneity and for God to speak and move. If I am not making myself available to Him - then He is not able to move within me and my life.

And also silence is important. Silence in terms of solitude where you allow yourself to develop as an individual away from the constant state of connectedness that defines our society these days. Silence to really hear the people around you - what they are saying between the lines and the needs and wants in them that no one else is meeting. And, you know, some words just don't need to be said. Actions speak so much louder. And words that bring negative consequences are truly better left unsaid. And part of being a person of character is acquiring the skill to filter our words - because they reflect our hearts.(also biblical, not just me)

10. God's Plan.

I saved this one for last because this is the one I'm most unsure of but I still want to share my thoughts anyway. This is true to me in my experience but I have a feeling it is still pretty controversial and I know I still have kinks to work out. (but guess what , even if I don't figure it out -  God is bigger than that too)

Lately I've been cringing when someone says "God's Plan". Because yes, I know I have been a Christian for a long time and I should have this figured out by now. But I really don't. Because there are so many conflicting things tumbling around from what people say and what I read and what people believe about "God's Plan". I avoided it for a long time. But I am slowly coming to a realization. And it is just a beginning - I am still chewing on this. But here's what I got, two things:

The first: You are God's Plan.

God created you and me one-of-a-kind, completely unique in every single little intimate aspect. He created and placed in you your hopes, your dreams, your passions, your talents, your likes, your dislikes, every little thing that makes you. Those things within you will lead you to what you will do with your life, the places you go and the people you end up with. You are drawn to them because of the makeup of who you are. You were made for them. When you are being you to the fullest extent with a life centered on a relationship with God - you are fulfilling God's plan and you are right where you are meant to be.

 Jesus Christ is God's plan.

The other part is that God's plan for you and me for our lives is to have a relationship with Jesus Christ. And then when that happens and our lives are focused on him - we are again exactly where we need to be.

You go to a college you like. You pursue a job that fits your talents and interests. You marry a person you love. Those are dependent on the person you are. And when you have a relationship with Jesus Christ and who you are is centered on God alone - you are fulfilling God's plan and that leads you to those things anyway. So let's stop worrying about if we are in the "right" or "wrong" place in "God's Plan for us". Because if we are loving God first and being who we are to the best we can - we are right smack in the middle of God's plan.

Yea that's what I've gotten out of life so far into the semester. You are really awesome if you read this entire thing, because man - that was a lot of pent up thought!

Also, I think it's really great if you don't agree with me and think this Jesus stuff is nuts and yet you still read this and can respect my views. Because I still respect yours, too. I realize we are all different. Happy pondering!

[findingrecklessabandon-blog]

just me gushing about how much I love WU

I am in my dorm room enjoying some nice quiet before I participate in skits and scavenger hunts and glowstick parties late into tonight. These things mark beginnings here at Waynesburg University. I don't know how it is at other colleges or even for other people, but when one steps onto this campus there are welcoming arms to fall into, joyous celebrations (often involving dancing and jumping and singing), and of course - great food! I have never felt so welcomed in a place. I hope these freshmen feel the same. 

It's nice to walk on this campus and my professors and other staff greet me by name. 

I am asked questions that challenge me and grow me. "Is this wise?" "What do you want in life?" "Have you taken time for yourself recently?" "What do you think about all this God business?" 

No matter what I believed, I would be accepted here. And loved.

My thoughts are valued. My struggles are recognized. My worries are listened to. My existence is appreciated. My potential is seen. My dreams are believed in. 

And I just think that being here at Waynesburg University has taught me about what real community can look like. 

It makes me really thankful. And being surrounded by such great people reminds me that I'm not alone. It also humbles me and forces me to remember this is not all about me. 

Coming into all this I was a little jealous of the freshmen, to be honest. I didn't want to share this place. But pride and selfishness do not free you, they blind you. 

So you just embrace this reckless abandon and let all that go.

I have never found such joy as to when I can serve, when I can be last, when I can be weak and forget myself. It is such a beautiful, paradox of adventure. Cheers, Waynesburg, to a new year! 

[findingrecklessabandon-blog]

head-first into the mess

I sat down around the campfire with a suppressed sigh. I closed my eyes briefly to shake the frustration from my shoulders and compose my face to hide my exhaustion from the kids.

Why did I decide to do this again?

I felt a tug on my sleeve. "Jessie?"

"Yes, Rosie?" I looked into scared little blue eyes welling up quickly with tears.

"Look."

Her small finger, covered in grime from camp life, pointed to a small nick in her knee that bled steadily.

Unable to think of anything else to stop the bleeding, I took the bandana that was holding back my hair without hesitation, unraveled it, and placed it on her knee. It wasn't a bad cut, but the blood needed to be stopped before it got messy.

"Let's go get a bandaid, alright Rosie?" I said, trying to smile comfortingly at her.

So I took her by the hand and we began to walk back the path behind the cabins to the nurse's station. After a while Rosie stopped in her tracks.

"What's wrong Rosie?"

"I just can't believe you took the bandana from your hair and let it touch my blood." Her voiced was filled with awe. She looked down at the crumbled green bandana she held against her wound as she whispered this to me.

"Well, of course, Rosie. What else was I supposed to do?" I asked.

Ignoring my question, she said matter-of-factly: "You must care about me a lot."

Oh yea. That's why I decided to do this.

It meant so much to her that I let her blood touch my bandana. That I was willing, without hesitation, to meet her bloody mess with whatever I had - no matter the cost to me.

This week was one of the most frustrating weeks I've ever had because I was a counselor for about 30 elementary and middle-school kids that fought constantly and didn't know how to listen. At points I was so angry at the things they did and said to each other, or to me, or their inability to respect authority that I wanted to go scream and cry and pull my hair out all at the same time. 

But I didn't.

I forced myself to roll up my sleeves and dive head first into their insecurities, their anger, their stubbornness, their smart mouths, their desperate need for attention, their boy problems, their rebellion.

Because Rosie is worth it. Every single one of those kids was worth it. No matter how frustrating they became to me. 

They deserve to have someone who is willing, without hesitation, to dive head first into the bloody mess of their life and with whatever they have and without concern to the cost.

I'm not very good at it sometimes.

But Jesus is.

And even though I think sometimes we frustrate Him to no end, He never gives up in diving head first into our bloody messes and pulling the rags off his body to stop the bleeding.

Because we are worth it.

[findingrecklessabandon-blog]

confessions of a selfish soul

I think somehow over these past couple of weeks I have let myself forget something very important:

How to unconditionally and recklessly love people.

I realize this concept is completely foreign to some. But isn't the whole point of love supposed to be unselfish and giving in every aspect? 

I seem to not be so good at remembering that lately: that is, how to unconditionally and recklessly love people.

Over the past months I've considered if this is even possible for a human heart.

Because when you unconditionally love people that means some things.

That means that sometimes you're overlooked and completely misunderstood. Sometimes you're unappreciated, ignored, and forgotten. It means people will be ignorant of your effort.  It means most times it will not be reciprocated. It means loneliness. It means you will probably be trodden over and taken advantage of. It means sometimes people won't take the time to see your struggle or take the time to notice when you hurt, even though you have always tried to do so for them. It means giving everything and getting little in return.

I've felt these things. You probably have, too. It's because of these things that for a while I fought with myself and let myself stop believing in unconditional love. It was not a right away thing and I don't know if there was ever a point where it was a concrete and total realization. But I began to notice a bitterness in my heart. I got sick of giving so much to certain people in my life when I got so little in return. My love became conditional and my heart took a turn towards a coldness that I didn't understand.

I got to thinking about this even more. And I considered a couple more things that unconditional love means.

It means having really close friends that sometimes think you are crazy and sometimes even deny that you are their friend in front of a lot of people - just when you need it most. It means sometimes people are all for you one minute and then want you dead the next minute. It means being stabbed in the back. It means being lied to and betrayed. Sometimes even by a kiss. It means that your friends fall asleep on you when you plead them, just this once, to stay up and be there for you and pray for you in your biggest time of need. It means that the people you love don't understand anything you've been telling them, even sometimes your own family. And even though you don't deserve it at all, you are arrested and beaten and your wrists and ankles are nailed to splintery harsh wood and thorns are pressed into your head and you are raised as a public spectacle, naked and alone, in front of crowds of people to suffocate. And everything you ever stood for is mocked and you are spit upon and disrespected in every way imaginable.

And you do so willingly and without a single word or act of defense because of this thing called unconditional love.

And that is Jesus and that is what He has for us. Who am I to hold back this kind of love from people around me because I feel like they haven't earned it? I certainly did not and could not ever earn Jesus's love.

I can unconditionally love. I can recklessly love. I can pour out everything I am. I can be forgotten. I can be weak. I can be misunderstood, unappreciated, unseen, rejected, disregarded, mocked, betrayed. Because your love does not matter to me and is not a reflection on my ability to love.

It is just Jesus's love that does and is.

It seems so simple but coming to peace with that is hard because it doesn't seem to be the way many people think today, hm? 

I am called to unconditionally love. You are called to unconditionally love. Learning to recklessly do so with our anchor in Jesus Christ alone is an adventure quite bigger than anything we could ever imagine because it is quite different than anything many people in this world have ever experienced.

9-10 Love from the center of who you are; don’t fake it. Run for dear life from evil; hold on for dear life to good. Be good friends who love deeply; practice playing second fiddle.

11-13 Don’t burn out; keep yourselves fueled and aflame. Be alert servants of the Master, cheerfully expectant. Don’t quit in hard times; pray all the harder. Help needy Christians; be inventive in hospitality.

14-16 Bless your enemies; no cursing under your breath. Laugh with your happy friends when they’re happy; share tears when they’re down. Get along with each other; don’t be stuck-up. Make friends with nobodies; don’t be the great somebody.

17-19 Don’t hit back; discover beauty in everyone. If you’ve got it in you, get along with everybody. Don’t insist on getting even; that’s not for you to do. “I’ll do the judging,” says God. “I’ll take care of it.”

20-21 Our Scriptures tell us that if you see your enemy hungry, go buy that person lunch, or if he’s thirsty, get him a drink. Your generosity will surprise him with goodness. Don’t let evil get the best of you; get the best of evil by doing good.

Romans 12

It is so worth it and hearts are so thirsty for it. Fight. Prove that this kind of love still exists in our society. And if you've never experienced such a love, realize that it exists and go find it, pursue truth. I am willing to bet it will lead you to Jesus. Water your soul with getting to know Jesus. And then, friends, only possible with His love pouring into you first and foremost - recklessly, unconditionally, without binds or bounds, with no record of wrongs, with no need for validation, with a little mischievous glint in your eye and peace inside of you - wildly love on.

[findingrecklessabandon-blog]

what some homeless men taught me

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled.

-Matthew 5:6

Someone in front of me opened the door and my heart started beating fast in my ears. My palms were sweating as I took a deep breath and walked into the room where my life, my perspective, and my heart was about to be transformed in the span of a mere five minutes.

My heart stopped beating altogether as the people in the room came into view. To be completely honest and frank I remember praying something along the lines of, Dear sweet Jesus, what the heck is this? What do you think we can do here? There were around 10 large adult black men, which to my shame intimidated me more than the few adult white men scattered among them. I saw tattoos and du rags and piercings and eyes that scrutinized me with expectation and mouths that did not smile in encouragement, at least at first. Most of all I sensed their pride; or rather my sensitivity and fear of hurting that pride. They were homeless and I was not. I was a little white college girl and I had "more" than them. I was in a "better" place than them. These things meant nothing to me, but I had no idea what they were thinking. I feared offending them. I had nothing in common with them, nothing to offer them, nothing to bridge the gap between us. Stereotypes and preconceived prejudices ran through my head, again to my shame. I briefly considered walking out, escaping from their expectation. A small part of me thought they might beat me up. I had no idea what the rest of my team was thinking as we shuffled into their world: complete strangers on opposites sides of an invisible spectrum.

It was me and three others that brought them breakfast that morning. None of us knew really what we were doing - it was just a part of our mission trip to The Pittsburgh Project over spring break. A person from this Living Ministry place was leading us in the sense of getting us in there to the shelter but she didn't give us much direction otherwise. I was the one who was going to  lead the devotional for them that morning. It was one Matthew 5:6: "Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled."

I tried to hide my nervousness the night before because I never get nervous when talking in front of people or in leading devotionals. I was a little ashamed that in this instance I was. But I was at such a loss to talk about hunger and thirst with homeless adult men who actually knew what that meant in a way that I did not.They lived it. And I wondered if they would laugh in my face when I told them that God was supposed to fill them and that they needed nothing else. I wondered if they would ask, Well then little lady, why am I in this homeless shelter right now? Why am I in this situation if God is supposed to fill my hunger and thirst? Just the fact that they were adult men made me want to run screaming - I just could not see what I could possibly give to them.

But I was also excited about that in a way. Because I know that when I am most scared and most pushed outside of my comfort zone that incredible things happen. Part of my philosophy in life is pursuing those kind of adventures. Pursuing things that scare me. Pursuing things that will change me and challenge me. This opportunity to lead this bible study was God calling me out to see if I really meant it.

That's what kept me going. I was powerless. I had nothing. But that is exactly how God works, how He wants to work - He makes up for my nothing.

So we were just standing awkwardly against the wall in a line, my team and I, as these men sat around tables in front of us. No one offered any real direction on what we were supposed to do next.

Then, they said I could start the devotion.

So I took a deep breath, prayed to God to use me and make up for me and give me words, and dove in.

I walked across the room to a stack of chairs and took about five awkward minutes wrestling one free and then I plopped it down right in the middle of these men and sat around the table with them, like I imagined Jesus would.

I don't remember exactly what I said because God just completely took over. But I asked some questions after I read the Matthew 5:6 verse.

What makes you the most empty? Here is where I began to be blown away.

They said material possessions and success and jobs. Pursuits of this world. Not having God at the center of their life or reading and living His Word.

(That is the small gist of the deepness of the words those men spoke to me - I wish I could do them justice, I wish I could copy and paste them here. Because my memory and my paraphrase does not do them an iota of justice.)

What gives you the most satisfaction?

God. Loving God first. Loving people. They went into depth about how through all they experienced God was still the only thing that ever truly satisfied them.

And then somewhere along the line we prayed and then Anthony, with the really bright eyes, came and sat across from me and started asking me about my life and told me to stay in school and to keep pursuing everything God was putting in my path. He said he really appreciated that I sat with them instead of standing in front of the room and talking over them.

I will never forget his bright eyes. I have a feeling when I meet Jesus that He will have the same eyes. Eyes that really saw me. My brother in Christ really saw me even though he had never knew me before that morning.

Eventually we had to leave and I walked a little slower as I became aware that I had just experienced one of those times in life that will never be forgotten.

And man, humbled, I was so humbled. I had been struggling with whether or not God really could satisfy everything in me completely. I knew the answer was supposed to be yes but I have having trouble living it. I was still holding on to this stubborn idea that I could earn my satisfaction. I still tend to do that. But those men knew it wouldn't work. Those men knew and experienced in their precarious circumstances that God was absolutely the only thing they needed. They lived that. People had abandoned them.Their jobs had fallen through. And they had no place of their own. And probably a whole bunch of other stuff going on that I can't even imagine. But they looked me straight in the eyes, and had such joy, because they knew that God loved them. And that was all they needed.

 I don't know if they learned anything from me, but I was forever changed by them.

I realized a couple things reflecting on this:

- We all share a common humanity. We all need love, which means we need God. And we all need each other. And Jesus died for all of us to give us access to God and grace to truly love each other. And we all need kindness. And we all need warmth and food and oxygen and that stuff. I didn't think I had anything in common with these men. But I was wrong. I have everything in common with them.

-We need to be scared, weak, intimidated, outside of our comfort zones. Often. Daresay even daily. We need grown and challenged and molded. And when we aren't in new situations we are comfortable and prideful and we try and think that we can be enough just by ourselves, that we can be the church, the hands and feet, all by ourselves. No. God needs to do that. It's good to be weak so He can bring His full glory and full presence into our lives, our situations, and we can see Him all the more completely and we can see His work all the more clearly.

-God answered my prayer. He didn't leave me hanging. He was faithful to me despite my fear and doubt in the person that He made me and the talents He has given me. And you, too.

And most of all, the cry of all of our hearts that seems to me so incredibly hard to remember and live out; that these men had down pat:

Jesus is enough.

[findingrecklessabandon-blog]

Well the past is playing with my head And failure knocks me down again I’m reminded of the wrong That I have said and done And that devil just wont let me forget In this life I know what I’ve been But here in your arms I know what I am I’m forgiven I’m forgiven And I don’t have to carry The weight of who I’ve been Cause I’m forgiven My mistakes are running through my mind And I’ll relive my days, in the middle of the night When I struggle with my pain, wrestle with my pride Sometimes I feel alone, and I cry In this life I know what I’ve been But here in your arms I know what I am When I don't fit in and I don’t feel like I belong anywhere When I don’t measure up to much in this life Oh, I’m a treasure in the arms of Christ ‘cause I'm forgiven

Sanctus Real 

[findingrecklessabandon-blog]

Wild Daily

I have things to say. 

That’s why I started this blog. Maybe even mostly for myself. I read today in an article in relevant magazine that maybe I should create something instead of just complaining about another aspect of my life that I don’t like. I decided tonight was the night to begin. 

See, it’s been rough. My soul just hurts sometimes and I can’t explain it to anyone.  I just started this college thing and it isn’t quite turning out like I expected. I keep reminding myself that duh, Jessie, Hallelujah it isn’t turning out like you expected because God is so much better at writing stories than you are…but all my little heart seems to do anymore is just long for where I want to be instead of appreciating where I am. I get a little discouraged when I see all these people around me. When I look at this huge world and I whisper my puny little dreams under my breath and I want to cry and laugh at the same time as I realize how little I am. 

How the devil beats at me with these thoughts sometimes. And how weak I am to let them get to me. 

But that’s ok. I need to be weak a while. Jesus makes beautiful things out of weak people. And after all, my adventures would be nothing without struggle. 

That’s what I’m getting at. Adventure. It’s been the theme of my philosophy of life for a while. There is so much room for daily, wild adventure. Doing things that make your soul feel alive. I think God wants each of us to pursue an epic, crazy, comfort-zone pushing and intentional adventure every day.

And unfortunately, it’s not going to be something like sky diving every day either. 

Sitting with new people at lunch. Looking people in the eye and smiling at them when passing them on the way to class. Saying what you think, through the lens of love. Joining a club you never could see yourself in. Actually treating every single person with respect and dignity and love - no matter how the rest of the world treats them.Treating ourselves with respect. 

I think that God places little adventures in our paths every day. And sometimes big ones, too! 

So that is what I would like to use this blog for. My daily adventures. With Jesus. With friends. Most likely with random people that I will never encounter again. I want to encourage myself to shake off my timidity, my insecurities, my doubts, and embrace the life that God has given me today instead of complaining about the life I wish I had or looking back and pining over what I don’t have anymore. 

You are always welcome to join me. 

“I’d like to repeat the advice that I gave you before, in that I think you really should make a radical change in your lifestyle and begin to boldly do things which you may previously never have thought of doing, or been too hesitant to attempt. So many people live within unhappy circumstances and yet will not take the initiative to change their situation because they are conditioned to a life of security, conformity, and conservatism, all of which may appear to give one peace of mind, but in reality nothing is more damaging to the adventurous spirit within a man than a secure future. The very basic core of a man’s living spirit is his passion for adventure. The joy of life comes from our encounters with new experiences, and hence there is no greater joy than to have an endlessly changing horizon, for each day to have a new and different sun.  …. But for some reason incomprehensible to me you wanted nothing but to bolt for home as quickly as possible, right back to the same situation which you see day after day after day. I fear you will follow this same inclination in the future and thus fail to discover all the wonderful things that God has placed around us to discover...

You are wrong if you think Joy emanates only or principally from human relationships. God has placed it all around us. It is in everything and anything we might experience.We just have to have the courage to turn against our habitual lifestyle and engage in unconventional living. 

My point is that you do not need me or anyone else around to bring this new kind of light in your life. It is simply waiting out there for you to grasp it, and all you have to do is reach for it. The only person you are fighting is yourself and your stubbornness to engage in new circumstances.’ 

-Christopher Johnson McCandless a.k.a. “Alex Supertramp” in a letter to acquaintance Ronald A. Franz” 

― Jon Krakauer, Into the Wild