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I had a very disturbing dream. It was about my friends who are no longer in my life. Nothing happened, just grew distant. I didn’t really like their morals or align with their innate external selves. I think they hold some resentment towards me for that.
Her & I spoke last night. A rewarding conversation indeed. I thoroughly enjoy talking to her and I wouldn’t put that down to the attachment. We spoke about a fair few things.
Opening the relationship - which we agreed isn’t something we’re interested in. It’s funny because I’ve never had a concrete opinion prior, because the relationships I was in were insignificant enough for me to want to open it. However with her, I know so well what I want and don’t want.
I didn’t care with anyone else. I remember agreeing and then being on the receiving end of “how could you agree to this, you still love your ex, any other girl would’ve been so pissed, you j wanna fuck others” which if I’m being honest was all true back then but like??? Why ask if you’re not going to be able handle the answer?
Where as with her, she didn’t ask me. She told me. She told me she doesn’t ever want to. & normally I would’ve gotten pissed because she’s even thinking about this but along the line, my interpretations have changed and I j smiled when she said that. Because same. I don’t ever want to. Idk is possession or terratorialism or whatever word fits best but I just don’t ever want to. I’m content with her & I, and I don’t care about the unconventional means of the pleasures of life when I’m with her. She’s always been enough and more for me.
We spoke about school, we spoke about marriage, i learnt that pays way more attention than I anticipated and she clearly can catch my lies easily. She asked me if I was comfortable with her. It’s sweet really, and I am. I am comfortable with her but I do have uncomfortable moments which doesn’t cancel out my answer. She’s sweet. me definitely likey.
Preparing for probably one of the most difficult exams in the country. 70k seats nationally and 3 lakh applicants is insane. There’re talks of postponement, I just hope they don’t do it and lengthen my timeline. If they do, it’s obviously beneficial to my preparation.. but I miss her. I’m really looking forward to going back.
I know if I do really well in this exam it will be extremely rewarding. Both a financial relief and a prestigious lifelong recognition within the medical fraternity. Soley to increase my competencies so when I reapply in London, they simply can’t refuse me. My three year career plan is solid, if this works out. Else I’m back to aimlessly looking for any job in the NHS with absolutely zero career progression which will certainly make me resentful and low on self confidence and morale. If I can maintain my consistency and discipline then I know I’ll be unstoppable.
it’s a really simple concept. If your partner doesn’t like it, you don’t. no if, and or buts.
I shouldn’t have to revisit this topic monthly when I’ve already expressed my opinion the first time. Priorities exist. Compromises are to be made. There should always be respect and responsibility in your actions. When you’re with someone it’s not just you living life, you live it with consideration of how your partner feels wrt your actions and decisions.
It’s simple. And anything less, is outright disrespectful.
I had a horrible dream last night, well technically this early morning around 6:45am ish. I was also half awake which is why I’m even more confused as to why/how i even had this dream and why I was unable to j get up? I was being raped in my dream. In my dream I was screaming. Yknow that loud ass blood curdling scream that’s supposed to attract attention? That scream. I subconsciously felt my heart rate soar. & eventually I got up. Ew.
Yesterday a flight to London crashed. From AHD. All but one have died. I can’t help but constantly wonder that she could’ve very well been on that flight. My heart aches at the thought. I don’t think I’d recover from that. I can’t even begin to imagine the grief of the affected families. I know her parents must also be extremely shaken, considering it happened quite close to them and well.. as much as I hate to think it, she very well could’ve been one of them. I hate flying. & I hate thunder. I hate natural calamities. & I would hate everything in this world and more if anything was to happen to her.
Dear god, please keep her and her family safe. Protect her always in all that she does. Watch over her and guide her always. 🧿
I suggested today to take a loan on our N14❓❓❓ house to buy another property, to then put on rent. We would buy the second property full cash payment, no loan and no emi’s. It would be a smaller property but nevertheless, still a property.
Essentially our house would still receive its current rent undisturbed but the remortgage interest would change. Additionally we have another property, that’s also got its own rental income. Therefore it’s a very profitable approach to investing in real estate. The second property will likely only appreciate in value if purchased in a valuable location, so longterm this is a smart investment.
:) should’ve done business or something else in finance smh fkn medicine
Update: My dad has given this job to me. So now I need to do my homework and go back with a revised proposal. Not now now, but once my exams are done. He’s clearly said we won’t ever be buying out of NSWEL which narrows my pool. Idk how to feel about this I found some pretty solid ones across the country.. urgh. Nor do I know if this is smart long term. So much to do, such little time.
I paid 5L into my prudential today 🧿 Which is technically really good especially when I eventually see the returns.. but like I acutely struggle with outgoings. It doesn’t feel like investment atm. Seeing the balance drop physically does something to me.
I think I’ve done well for myself though. I told my dad and he offered to help and I told him it’s fine I’ve got it covered and he was both surprised that I had that much to pay out in the first place and that I refused his input. I know he was lowkey glad I refused though 😂
The discipline I maintained throughout my work the last year is paying off now. I lived very meagrely if I’m being honest. Very consciously though. I cut back on everything. Which sometimes I regret, but idk.. maybe I could’ve lived my life some more. however now, I have sufficient funds to cover for any emergent expenses for my family or myself - acutely. I’m proud of me in this regard. I want to go back and work, or just honestly do any work as soon as possible for some income. I can make mountains with even the most basic income. & one of the things that’s helped is that in my eyes, every penny truly does count. I love - with my whole heart - every penny. Except irl pennys, because I hate that name?
When I was younger I used to scrounge and save and it would accumulate beautifully. I think that’s where the addiction started. But I’m talking like as a 15-20 year old xD I remember back then if they needed a large amount on the spot they’d come to me, I’d loan it and they would give it back with some baby interest to keep me motivated :’)
I do the same now, but I no longer ask or expect for any interest nor do I really expect for it back even.. given the situation we’re in. I’m happy to give for the people I love.
I need to work on accounting though. My current knowledge is close to non existent and I do a pretty shit job at it. Doesn’t help that I suck horribly at maths. I need to teach myself this once I get free.
The reason why I was typing was to actually say that I’ve now decided that at some point I’ll start putting down for supposed future generations. ie. our babies. It doesn’t hurt to start early. I’m not in a position to do so immediately, but it’s an idea, rather one of the things on my to do list. Her babies are mine 😋 (and god forbid we don’t get married.. I’ll still stick to my conscience. I would still put money down and give it for whenever they’re older/ college idk.. their choice but I’d like to contribute.) but like I said, the core of it is, her babies are always mine so I’ll look out for them always <3
