i can’t help it, but i feel tired. i wish i didn’t, i wish i knew what to do. i am here and you are three thousand miles away and the universe is always always expanding.
i am wracking my brain for solutions. if i could just tell you, but maybe i’ve been saying it wrong. if i could be closer, but i don’t know if i can. if i didn’t need so much...
or, it’s not a matter of need, i suppose. it is wanting. i want you around, i want to talk to you about stupid things and listen to you talk about your day, i want to be next to you and rest my head on your shoulder and hold you close.
the thoughts, they come and they go. maybe i am being too selfish. i should be thinking more about you (you occupy my every thought) and what you need. i don’t know what you’re going through, and maybe i don’t need to, and i should just be there for when you need me. a lighthouse, a beacon to remind you where home is (unless it’s a different place now?)
maybe i am pushing too hard. i should back off, give you your space, let you come to me if you want to. move slowly, don’t startle or scare off. but i can only stay away for so long, a day or a week at most, and then there is something that screams at me to be shared with you and i cave. how many times have i made this resolution. how many times have i broken it.
i promised you once that i would try to remember, you know. but you know me and i have such a bad memory and my mind plays tricks on me and it is difficult to remember myself sometimes.
i don’t want to lose you. i couldn’t bear to leave you. but i don’t think i could stand resenting you either.
i trust you. i don’t think you would ever hurt me on purpose. but the universe is spinning out of our control and i guess we both need to make our peace with it. i don’t know. i’ll try to figure it out. promise.
