#demisexual experiences

[gandalf-the-bean]

being demisexual and polyamorous is so weird because i simultaneously am in love romantically and sexually with one person for three years and am not hopelessly crushing on one of my friends only romantically (and this is not the first time i’ve felt this way about him) and it doesn’t mean i care about him any less it’s just something that is happening

[demigray]

What demisexual means to me

Submitted by anonymous:

I fit demi perfectly but didn’t realize it was part of the lgtbqa spectrum until very recently because being straight and demi is pretty much indistinguishable on the outside from being straight but modest or straight but with a low libido, especially as a female, even to your partner. For that reason, I don’t identify as lgbtqa – it takes very little bravery to be demi because really nobody gives two shits as long as you’re not a) *not* in a relationship (eg asexual) or b) in a relationship with a gender they disapprove of (eg all the other letters of lgbtq).

For me personally, being demi means being able to count the number of crushes I’ve had on one hand. It means taking so long to get into the dating game, and so not boy-crazy as a teen, that well-meaning friends felt the need to tell me that they’d still love me if I was a lesbian because they were concerned I was hiding my sexuality. It means that my current relationship of 14 years is my only sexual relationship, and not for religious reasons. It means I am and was always totally content with that. It’s also people looking at you like you’re bonkers when you say that because “how do you know if you have nothing to compare it to?” It’s wondering if you’re broken for not being what you consider to be hypersexual, but also really enjoying sex with your partner. It’s not fitting in when your group of friends is checking out random strangers, because yeah, you can appreciate attractiveness but you definitely don’t want to “hit that” … unless maybe, you and that could go have coffee a few times and talk about the universe first.

One-night stands sound intriguingly disgusting, like imagining making out with someone of a gender you’re not attracted to. Actually, so does imagining making out with an attractive stranger of a gender that you ARE attracted to. But, making out with your partner is, like, THE BEST. THING. EVER.

While it’s been helpful to me personally to discover demi as a sexual identity, I’ve only told one person in my life (not even my partner) because I don’t feel like publicly identifying as demi would really change anything, except maybe confuse people. This is just how I am and have always been, and it’s really not very controversial, because whose business is it what sort of sexy stuff is or isn’t going on in your body at any given time? By the time it IS someone’s business, e.g. when you’re in a serious relationship, you’re probably already emotionally connected enough to them that it’s not a problem. My partner is the most considerate person I’ve ever met; he doesn’t need to know about demisexuality in order for us to have a great relationship because he accepts me as I am. And let’s be honest, a demi relationship is not very different from any other relationship except, perhaps, in how the relationship started for the demi half of the partnership.

So, yeah, demi is kind of a weird category of lgbtqa because it’s so subtle from the outside that it barely deserves its own word. However, it’s still super important. The fact that there is a word for it means that lots of other people have the same experience as you, which is comforting because it means that you’re not broken. It’s something that I’m sure all us demis have wondered in the face of a society that always seems so obsessed about sex.

[demigray]

My Definition of Demisexuality

Submitted by: taurielkill

Hi, I recently discovered myself as demisexual and I believe the best way that I understood it was a specific “turn-on.” So, the general overall definition of demisexuality is a person that doesn’t feel sexual attraction until they get to emotionally connect to another person. Now, that could potentially be similar to a lot of people. However, a more specific definition is that a person doesn’t get turned on by another person because of their outer beauty or looks. For me specifically, this means I can find people aesthetically pretty, however, this only creates a desire for me to want to get to know them and possibly go on a date with them or something equally non-sexual. I don’t get the feeling of “I’d bang that.” What turns me on is our emotional bond, our trust. 

I think people are pretty, and I want to get to know them.

This isn’t me being chivalrous or prude. This is completely different because I never feel a sexual desire I need to repress, for me there is no sexual desire at all. There might be romantic desire, which is under a different category, but there’s no inherent sexual desires.

This is different from me being chivalrous or prude, because there’s nothing sexually I feel originally. i.e. Kissing is weird until I’m emotionally close to them. 

(Side note: sexuality is not the same as a person’s romantic desires nor their gender preferences)

I would also like to bring to the attention the differences in sexual attraction and sex drive. They are not the same thing. They are not the same thing. I could be super horny and masturbate or watch porn. However, I can’t imagine myself doing it with another person or if I try it kills my mood. However, it is different for all demisexuals. We don’t all like the idea of sex, we don’t all watch porn, we don’t all masturbate. Sometimes we might even consider ourselves asexual until we find the right person.

For me, I haven’t found that right person yet, but I believe I will. For me, finding out about demisexuality and researching it made it click. Maybe I’ll never find that person.

[demigray]

One demisexual's story

Hey! First of all, I need to say thanks for make this blog, It's so helpful. I'm here because I want to tell my own story about demisexuality, if I could of course. Why? A lot of people say demisexuality is bullshit and the real bullshit is that bullshit. I'm almost adult now, but I was a teen in the past like a lot of people :D and I'm 100% sure I was and always be a demisexual person. Since my pre-teen days I just don't like sex or pay attention to it on TV, other people's talks, and more. (1) None of the boys attracted me, or girls or other genders, or hot people! like actors or something. None. Zero. Neither. I thought something went bad with me, I wasn't like the rest of teenagers and seemed to me I didn't deserve the same respect or treat. But one day I met a close friend and things changed. My friend was canonically ugly but I didn't care. For me, was the hottest human on this world, not because the body or face. Just because It was a close person to me. And I loved the way (2) way my friend was, not only in sexual terms. The "thing" happened to me two more times, in the same way. And that's why I believe in demisexuality. I'ts something people like me need! Plus: I'm aromantic too. If you read or publish this thanks again! (3)

Thanks for sharing your story! This is a great example of why we need words like demisexual—they really make sense for a lot of people.