#asexual spectrum

[sex-favorable-aces]

I just wanted to say tysm for this blog, seriously!! I'm sex-averse in that I am definitely favorable towards sexual interaction, just as long as it does involve me personally 😅 I identify as aegosexual and tbh it's pretty isolating to be asexual and not fit the stereotype of being totally sex-repulsed. I feel a lot of kinship with sex-favorable aces, so I'm glad you're here!

Thank you, anon!! I'm glad you're here, too! I agree, it can be very isolating not fitting the stereotype.

[sex-favorable-aces]

Not sure whether it’s okay to ask, feel free to ignore if not.

For years I thought I was sex repulsed, but turns out a lot of that was probably just dysphoria. Now that I’m transitioning and feeling good about my body, I realized I’m probably sex favorable and lately I’ve really wanted to have sex. It’s been over a decade lol.

But I have no idea where to start. I’m not even sure what gender(s) I’d wanna go for. Apparently I’m still aroace so I really don’t know. I had a date last week, I was honest with the person that I have no idea what I’m doing and they were so nice and understanding. When messaging before meeting up, we had discussed the opportunity of a casual encounter and we were both up to it.

And then I met them and just froze. I couldn’t say much, felt guilty about it and anything physical was unthinkable all of a sudden. They were so nice about it but I felt horrible. Not sure if that was some of my past trauma coming up again.

So now I’m back to square one. I deleted all dating apps cause I don’t wanna feel like that again and also don’t wanna expose others to that. Real life encounters never happened for me, I’m not good looking, very shy and super awkward. My only chance of convincing people I’m cool enough to meet is online. But apparently I can’t do that either now. Plus I still don’t know what/who I want.

Do you have any ideas how to figure myself out and maybe how to put myself out there and meet people? Thanks!

Dear anon, though is a rough experience for anyone, but I think it's especially common for people like us. Being queer tends to stunt development like that, but I think it's even more compounded when you spend a good portion of your life thinking that information isn't directly applicable to yourself *at all*. At least gay sex still comes with the risk of STDs — sex repulsed folks don't really have that risk, so I think often (not always) it can be easy to disregard anything you might come across. I sure did for a long time.

Figuring yourself out can be the hardest part, I think, and it's important not to rush it.

Personally I like reading fanfiction/romance books with some smut in them. Fiction is a great way to test the waters without having to actually be directly involved.

Watts the Safeword on youtube has a lot of kink resources that also might be of interest — not all kink is "varsity level", which is to say you don't have to immediately go looking into knife play and Total Power Exchange dynamics. Maybe bondage with a pair of leather cuffs sounds like fun to you? That's perfectly fine, too.

As far as what do you like physically, they best way to figure it out is the one that's going to sound the most awkward: find some quiet, low stress time when you can be alone, and just start touching yourself. Depending on what your anatomy is, that's going to change your experience right off the bat, but every body is different anyway. Start out gently, add more pressure if it seems like a good idea, and pull back if it's not. You're probably not going to make any life changing discoveries the first time, or even the fifth. But over time you'll start to learn what feels good, and that'll make it easier to explain to a partner. Also, a good partner will be understanding that you're inexperienced and will be willing to go at your pace, take feedback, adjust as necessary, and help guide you through discovering what you like with a partner (because sometimes what you like alone vs with someone else is different). If they're not willing to do that, they're not deserving of being your first time (or your any time, really. Only have sex with people who respect you! You deserve that much!!)

Finding people is an interesting thing. The unfortunate truth is more than likely you'll meet someone in the most unlikely place. I met my partner on tumblr. I have friends who met their partners at work. Others at book clubs. Others still at farmers markets, friends houses, on the side of the road when their car broke down, and dating apps. It's usually random chance. My best advice is find places to do things you enjoy doing and meet people who share your interests, but don't assume that's the only place you'll find people. If you like to read, maybe check out local book clubs. If you like to make things, see if you have a makers space nearby. If you have local queer organizations, see if they host anything like clubs, socials, potlucks, or mixers.

You mentioned how once you got to the date you felt more uneasy — try not to put so much pressure on yourself in those situations. If it feels like everything is riding on this one coffee date, that's a LOT to try and hold while trying to chat about common interests. A first date is supposed to just be fun and get-to-know-you time. You don't have to be perfect. Honestly, it's better if you're not perfect. Most of us aren't looking for perfect, we're looking for the little weirdo who matches perfectly with the little weirdo that we are. There's a quote from the first Deadpool movie that I love, because it sums it up perfectly: "your crazy matches my crazy". Normal people don't want perfect, they want real, and they want someone who's the perfect compliment to their own quirks so the both of you can go through life enjoying each other.

Finally, I don't believe for the second that you aren't good looking, and being shy and awkward is a LOT less of a barried than you might think.

On the point of attractiveness, everyone has different tastes. Sure, there will always be people who don't like the way you look — that's life. But there will also always be people who, whether they tell you or not, will look at you and think "holy shit, that person is so hot/pretty/handsome/attractive/etc". There are celebrities that everyone drools over that I don't find particularly attractive, and there are people most say look unattractive who I think look like walking artwork. It all comes down to perception and tastes. Also, almost all of us grew up with unrealistic standards forced upon us. Normal people are not going to hold you to those standards. I'm no model — I'm not skinny, my nose is misshapen from a childhood accident, I don't have the proportions everyone seems to think are ideal, and I don't have huge defined muscles. None of that matters in the slightest to my partner.

On the subject of being shy and awkward, that is me. I'm not good at starting conversations, I have a fear of rejection, and I have rejection sensitive dysphoria combined with trauma that makes causing awkward moments in conversations feel like agony to me. Once again, the right person won't mind. My partner called me charming less than a week after we met, despite me feeling like I was being the most awkward, cringy dweeb the whole time.

Basically it all comes down to take a deep breath, be yourself, don't put too much pressure on yourself, and try to have fun.

I'm afraid that's all I really have to offer at the moment, anon. I'm sorry that I don't have a better answer. It's hard, and it's okay that it's hard. Everything gets easier with practice.

[acespaceemzgalaxy]

“why you’re crying? I thought you’re so proud of being ace!!”

bitch I’m crying bc dating as an introverted weird girl who bounds for life, doesn’t find anyone attractive beyond ‘no visual pollution’ and needs like at least half a year to even actually map out your personality to perform a compability test first sucks

[melancholylakeentity]

once you as a demisexual experience a zealous unparalleled lust for someone it’s so over for you and you may never be the same again

[acespejs]

[sodaslittleplace]

Lithosexual moodboard

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[sex-favorable-aces]

Question! Are sex favourable Aces people who can't feel romantic attraction yet still like sex? I'm just curious as I'm an Ace and not the biggest fan of sex (Somewhere between neutral and repulsed) So I've been closer to that side of the ace community and want to know how the other side works. Sorry if this is a rude ask, I do not intend to alienate you guys in anyway. You go keep being yourselves!

LAST ANON, I MEANT SEX INDIFFERENT NOT NEUTRAL, MY BAD D:

No worries, I got your correction!

So whether an asexual can feel romantic attraction is pretty unrelated to them being asexual — that's aromantic, which is different.

Assuming you meant sexual attraction, however, yes and no.

See, asexual is an umbrella term as well as an individual identifier, the same way trans is (ie you can be binary trans or nonbinary and that's still under the umbrella term trans). So someone CAN be asexual and experience 0 sexual attraction ever but still enjoy and want sex for other reasons, but someone could also be demisexual, aceflux, grey asexual, or any of the other many acespec microlabels, and they identify with the asexual umbrella but still experience some degree of sexual attraction, and also enjoy and want sex for reasons either for related or unrelated to their experience of attraction.

For me personally, my experience of my ace-ness is so nebulous and difficult to pin down that I simply choose not to put a microlabel to it. Not because I'm against microlabels, but because I have no personal desire to sit and hyperanalyze my feelings and sift through the many labels to find the one that most closely fits. I'm perfectly happy leaving it at "I'm somewhere on the asexual spectrum, and I like sex".

Basically you don't have to be sexually attracted to someone to want to have sex, either at all or with them specifically. If you're romantically attracted to your partner and sex is fun and feels good, then maybe you want to have sex with your partner. I know an asexual who experiences zero sexual attraction but enjoys BDSM for the fun of it and because it feels good, and they used to do it for work. On the other hand, I *am* an asexual who experiences sexual attraction under the right conditions, and I enjoy it with my partner exclusively and have never been comfortable with hook ups/one night stands/etc for myself.

This has gotten a bit rambly, but basically there are as many ways to want or enjoy sex as there are experiences with sexual attraction, and those two things aren't inherently connected or mutually exclusive.