WAAAGAGHH LUCIFER PATRON???!?1 CANON?!
I was meditating last night for the first time in a while. I've been sick, busy, and just plain too fatigued or unmotivated to meditate. And, I know me and Lucifer are spoused. It's a queer platonic thing. He's like a brother, a best friend. That sort of thing. So, I knew of him in my practice, and the means of our relationship. Mortally, and higher self-ly or whatever. He's a god I have tea parties with.
But, I don't expect him to be in my life much, to be honest. He's my dearest companions spouse, so he comes around every once in a while when it's because of them or just because he wants to chill with me or whatever - normal shit.
As I was meditating however, I realized quite fast how just emotionally unstable I was. Almost immediately feeling drowned in my own sorrow and doubts. Um - I'm still doing shadow work, guys. So- this was also normal, but unexpected? I dunno, I saw my dear Pele for a good 30 minutes or so of the meditation, and when our conversation was done, I was sort of... There? I was just relaxing in the state I was in. The emotions had subsided, thanks to my mothers comfort and reassurance of all my racing thoughts.
Completely off topic, I saw Inside Out 2 when it came out. I loved it.
After a good few minutes of me just sitting there in my void state, the emotions came back. But, more so - sour thoughts. Of a personal matter, but, know they were strong. I fought them off gently, knowing if I tried to force myself to swallow them down, I'd just end up erupting with them later.
In the midst of it, out of nowhere, unexpected, uninvited/j, Lucifer came to... My rescue? Idk my deities like to joke about me being their damsel in distress sometimes. (Punching air)
And when I saw him, or - more so - noticed he was there. I was kind of like AAHWHWNBB???? LUCIFER??????????? WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING HERE 😱😱 and he laughed for a quick moment before saying "I could sense your distress from a mile away." Pretty much. I don't remember exact with what he said at first because I was still in a sort of - tornado of my own?
He has a history of stepping in and helping soothe me in moments of pain like that, so it wasn't all that weird. But still, it remained... Odd to me. Now, I know this is a fault of mine, but I typically don't see why a deity I am not romantically spoused to would come and comfort me. Parental spouses as an exception, of course.
Lucifer has mentioned wanting to spouse me (my higher self) romantically before, but had let it go due to his own lack of time to give to our potential spousal. But, all in all, I just - if anyone was going to come and comfort me I sort of thought it'd be Loki or Sun. Practically anyone else but him.
Anyway, back to the story- he eased my tears pretty quickly. It's just his charm, I dunno. And, for a brief but somehow also long moment, we sat there. In silence. In the void state of my meditation. Seemingly floating in ink as stars twinkled distantly from us. And, for some reason, I impulsively said "You know, Lucifer... I kind of... Wish you were my patron sometimes."
Like bro, SHUT THEJ FUCICK UP but no no no, I KEPT GOING.
"... If I were to try and be your devotee... Would you... Accept me?"
I was giving straight "You should be with... A real girl" "WHO ARE YOU I AM FROM ANCIENT GREECE" vibes with that one.
Whenever I'm around him, that persistent, parasite ass thought keeps eating at me. Patron, patron, patron, patron. My Patron.
And, I don't know why. I know things like this usually mean it's meant to be or whatever, but, I can say and encourage that idea forever without a doubt for others, but I'm still working on truly hearing it 24/7 with myself. (A rookie move for me. Alas, I am still unfortunately human.)
And he looked at me, a bit surprised. Though I'm quite sure he's known for a while how much I wanted him to be my patron. I mean, holy shit dicks man, he was the second deity I reached out to. He said "no" pretty sternly, but he's said time and time again that it was purely just because I was not ready, and I had to be redirected. I was in my very early teens and very depressed, I understand why completely. And find it funny even.... Also he said he was busy, he didn't mean to sound so - firm? Idk, I hope you just get it lol.
God is his smile beautiful or what???? Anyway
He looks at me with this... Loving, tender expression. And he goes. "Oh? That's flattering. To return your honesty, I'd be quite honored to take you on as my own." He paused for a second, I presume he was thinking a bit deeper before he continued. "Of course I would. With open arms. I'd take you under my wing if you truly desired."
And I almost folded???????? Like oh my LORDS this guy this mmnhahhh
When he said that... I just- I don't know. The atmosphere suddenly began to feel so- loving. Something so powerfully, intensely loving. Like a sudden iridescent aurora just circled around me or something. Like I was walking on rainbows, almost. Drowning in them, more so.
I soaked in that feeling. That feeling of... Him, I assume is what that was. Perhaps it was like a teaser of the swaddles of love he'd put me within as his practitioner. Strangely, the thought of "I am Lucifer's devotee" rings like wedding bells in my head. It sounds so smooth and velvety, so... Natural. Like walking with no shoes on the Earth. Like being - connected? Belonged? I don't know exactly how to describe it.
After a few seconds, he placed his hand to his chest, and I somehow also felt it on my own. Over my heart. His fingertips softly pressed into me as if he was exchanging his own pulse with mine. "Being your patron sounds/feels so right, doesn't it?" He said two words at once there, closing his eyes with it. Making the emotions currently flowing through me and him a bit more - more?
However, I of course had to second guess this event, even though he was practically saying "yes" in every way possible to my question of "should I be his devotee". My mind still nagged with the thought of "he isn't... My husband. He isn't my spouse in the way Satan or Hypnos is. So, why is he even here to begin with?"
As stupid as it sounds, I ended up asking him this. "Lucifer, you aren't my spouse - or - you're not my spouse romantically, at least... So, why do you... Why do you care?"
"Just because we are not involved the way you and Asmodeus (example) are, does not mean I do not care for you and love you deeply."
He shook my world a tiny bit there, honestly. I knew that already, that I don't need to be romantically with someone for them to care for me, but hearing him say that was just... Boom?
But, my brain just - still wasn't really fulfilled with that. And I said "I might... Go and see Asmodeus. This feeling may just be me wanting to be his devotee instead."
Did I even get to that conclusion?? I don't know. Couldn't tell you. (I could but it's genuinely so fucking)
Even then, I felt it sort of just - within my core that I wanted to be with him. That I wanted... To be his. Devotee. I have to be specific with that because the way I phrased that makes my brain go "ohohoho? Husband time? Mwah smooch with the devil?"
I might be in denial, now that I'm reading all of this. About not falling in love with Lucifer romantically. Emotions are way too complicated for me right now and I'm writing this while starving so cut me some slack guys please 🙁
To be fair with myself, I often find myself gushing at the idea of being many deities devotee, besides the deities I am already devoted to. Anubis, for example. Goddddsss, Anubis man... That's another post for another time though
Lucifer smiled again, and stood up, I stood with him. He gently placed his hands on my face, and said "Whatever you decide, know I am still forever here for you. But, do well to let me know your answer, yes?" I nod and thank him for being so understanding and stuff. We hug. And, roll credits.
Getting hugged, touched, talked to - hell even looked at by Lucifer makes me feel so... Could 9-y. Like, I feel like a mist of perfume being spritzed on to him. I feel like I'm a piece of cotton candy and he's biting into me, and I melt within his mouth. I feel like the materials of his pillow and I catch his head upon me. I feel like -
Gods help me, I cannot make up a decision about this for the life of me. The last time I was this torn about if I should leap into a deities arms is when I was crying to Selene about if Asmodeus liked me or not.... Coincidence or?? A part of me knows my answer, of my truth. But, I don't know. The majority of me is finding this weird game of I guess - cat and mouse - to be fun. I might just need to eat & go to sleep. I woke up way too early today.
