#deploymentdiary

[milsodiary]

I miss...

Those kisses that sneak up when I am cooking or washing dishes.

Unexpected hugs.

That look across a crowded room.

His heart beat as I lay my head on his chest.

Holding his hand just cause.

Grocery shopping.

Car rides.

Quiet silences as we just enjoy each others presence.

Him.

[milsodiary]

Dependa

I have been in the military community since I was born. However, I have never heard of the term dependa until this past week. It was brought to attention by a military spouse and naturally since it is something that I am unfamiliar with, I researched it aka googled it.

According to the seasonedspouse.com, “'Dependa' is a horrible insult mainly used by military spouses to put each other down. Every military spouse is a dependent (unless they are active duty), but to be a dependa infers that someone is useless or stupid.” The second definition that was told to me by the same spouse is a person who posts things on social media to gain attention or sympathy for their service member is away.

Let me start off by saying this, the first definition there is one part that stood out to me. “This is a horrible insult mainly used by military spouses to put each other down”. This is wrong on so many levels. Being on our different MILSO journeys we all have a set of our own challenges. There are already so many external factors that already brings us down, why are we doing it to each other? We, MILSO are a community that should encourage and is there to support each other while our service members are away serving our country. What our loved ones do, it’s scary and carries huge occupational hazards that sometimes cost their lives. We are expected to hold it together on the outside, but really most days I just want to scream. I depend on my little community when times are tough.

The second definition of a MILSO who posts. Many times we are separated from our friends and family due to duty station changes. We deal with time differences, new jobs and trying to make new friends. It isn’t easy, sometimes we only have social media to validate our feelings. Who am I to judge what tools you use to cope. This may be their way of asking for help. Other times such as for me, I use my blog (this blog) as my outlet. A way to lay my whole basket of emotions out rather than taking it out on my soldier while he is deployed. Being this is my first deployment as a MILSO there is a lot of feelings that I am still learning to process. It is different than when my dad was deployed or my uncle. It’s a different situation altogether. I found it easier for me to just write it out and feel better. It’s also there for me to look back on and reflect. This is my process and the best way for me to go on this journey.

I understand that some people believe that dependa give the community a bad name.  But instead of screenshotting and talking behind each other backs why don’t we let them know to their face. Name calling is bullying! Remember we are in this together, so let’s stop putting each other down.

[milsodiary]

My Birthday.

Tomorrow is my birthday and I just can't help but feel a little said that P won't be there tomorrow to help me celebrate. It is going to be difficult as this week we also celebrate our anniversary and his birthday. I miss him so much and although he will be home in months its moments like this that I wish he was here.

[milsodiary]

Homecoming Anxiety

As we edge closer and closer to homecoming it comes with so many different emotions. Mind you it's still months away but I'm a planner.

I am also a researcher and I read lots of books on things. Including the close to ten I read on military/ deployment within the first month of him leaving. Let just say that lead to so much anxiety and stress, so don't do it. But I never learn, so I have been researching homecoming and readjusting to civilian life and it is overwhelming.

I will be welcoming back my solider from a combat zone a year later. He will need time to adjust and I just hope that I will be able to be there when he needs it. There are so many things he isn't able to tell me and I fully understand. But I hope he can reach out when he needs it.

I don't know what homecoming is going to look like but know that he only wants me to pick him up from the tarmac. We are planning a quiet night of just the two of us and getting to know each other all over again. I know he is my love of my life, but he will be coming back a different someone.

There are going to be readjustment and recalibration in our relationship and life. But that's how we grow, evolve and move forward. We can do this.

[milsodiary]

Deployment Slump

I am weeks away from being in the home stretch of this deployment. Time is dragging and I just want him to be home. I am an emotional wreak some days and ecstatic other days. But this weekend has just been practically rough and my mood is just in a slump. I sent all weekend in my pajamas mostly in bed... the weather has been horrible but I should really do something before this mood sticks.

[milsodiary]

Worries.

I'm super worried that the constant distance between us is going to begin to feel normal. Life goes on back home while he is away on deployment. But what happens if we forget how to be together once he gets home. I know we all watch the homecoming videos and see the sparks and everything but what happens a week after the homecoming... I would like to think we will fall back into place but it doesn't always...

[milsodiary]

Tonight just confirmed why I love you so much. You allowed me to be upset and to get angry. But then you helped me to focus on the good that happened today. You refocused me and grounded me. I went from being upset on the verge of tears to smiling all in one conversation. This is why you are my person and why I hope to marry you one day. Because no one else can calm me the way that you do. Hold me the way you do. You are 9,000 miles away and you still ground me and fill my love tank. You are absolutely amazing and the one for me. Thank you for being my person.

[milsodiary]

Priorities

Its heading towards the end of the year. I realized something, ever since my boyfriend deployed I have been so focused on him and his needs. I have neglected my own and put my own feelings on the backburner. I love him and I will continue to wait by the phone for his calls. But I think it's time I start doing things for me and make me a priority for the first time during this deployment. We aren't even halfway there and deployment is a marathon not a sprint. Need to focus on me so that I can be the best for him. Make sure my priorities are straight.