#depressedagain

[certified-dyke]

Well..... My Work Here Is Done..... This Is Gonna Be My Last Post Before Deleting Tumblr & Discord...... I'm So Heart Broken, Idek Where To Start From....... Arghhhh, Why Me....... Why........ Damnit. I Feel Like The Biggest Clown Ever In The History Of Gold Star Lesbian Clowns....... FUCK ARGHHHH 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

[starshine-092418]

So today,

I had a fucking awesome day. Y’know those days where you think “This is perfect”? Well I had one. It’s my anniversary so naturally I was all cheesy for my girl. However, all day, I had this pit in my stomach sayin “something bad is gonna happen” and well... currently I’m laying in bed crying because my girlfriend got caught lying so we’re now not allowed to see each other or talk to each other for god knows how long. Anyone care to talk?

[ehh-itsash]

it must be nice having family and friends that constantly support you in everything you do no matter how ridiculous it is just as long as it makes you happy. i can’t relate, but it sounds very nice.

[fxuxcxkxyxoxu]

MEMORIES

I keep reminding those old days, when we were happy, we loved each other. I keep reminding the day I told you "I LOVE YOU" for the first time. I would like to see your face again. And the next day you told me the same and that was so unexpected, I remember I was angry with you.. don't remember why, but all dat feeling changed when I heard those words coming out of your mouth. I remeber how much we had laughed, all those pretty faces of you, your madness, your kindness. I know I hurted you a lot and i'm so sorry, i didnt want you to left me but it was so frustating to argue everyday at everytime. EN QUE MOMENTO PERDIMOS TODO ESO QUE HABIA ENTRE NOSOTROS. I would like to be with you again but you have keep your way, meet someone who really respect you because nobody will love you like I did. Now you are just in my thoughts. YOU WILL ALWAYS BE THE LOVE OF MY LIFE.

[mariamystar-blog]

At least here I can express my feelings the exact way I need to.

Being pushed aside for whenever you are mad is getting old. The way you threaten me is getting old; the way you manipulate situations to where every thing is my fault in the end is getting old. It's not. I feel like your punching bag sometimes then other times I feel like your queen. But one day you say you're so happy and that you love me and that you wouldn't ever leave, that you "aren't going anywhere", then the next minute I end up pissing you off somehow and then you tell me you're miserable, how I exactly make you hate me and you just throw words and insults at me like you would be punching someone in the face. It's hard to love someone who displays "love" in that fashion. Why do I let myself continue?

[gospelledbyurie]

Brutal Love.

Oh how you want it You're begging for it But you can't have it Even if you try It's in the clutches In the hands of This brutal love 

This is me and my fucked-up mind talking to you, Tumblr. Again.

And how crazy this is, happening on the day before my birthday. Parang tanga lang. Nanuod lang ako ng How To Be Single naging ganito na ko ka-gaga. Ang nakakainis pa dun, biglang lumawak na naman yung pag-iisip ko. Sa lahat ng bagay. Naging eye opener para sakin yung movie.

Hindi ko maintindihan yung nararamdaman ko, sobrang weird. Siguro nga, dumating na ko sa point na hindi ko na minamahal yung sarili ko. Kasi kung anu-ano hinahanap ko, kung anu-ano nararamdaman ko. Nagha-halo-halo na lahat. Kaya wala na kong maibigay. Lagi ko tinatanong sa sarili ko, “bakit parang nawala bigla yung extremes, bakit hindi ko na maramdaman yung dapat dinadamdam ko ng todo?” Pati nga sa EK, di ko maramdaman yung “grabe!” feeling. Sinasabi ko, oo, pero di ko nararamdaman. Parang pinapaniwala ko yung sarili ko sa kalokohan na meron pang feelings yung buhay kong katawan.

Kasi parang wala na.

Hindi na ko makaramdam ng pagmamahal, ng attachment. Maaaring sinasabi ko, pero hindi ko maramdaman. Walang walang wala akong maramdaman. I need help. 

Pero siguro, kung may magandang bagay kayong gustong marinig--oo, umiiyak parin ako. Hindi dahil sa nakaraan o sa takot sa hinaharap. Iniiyakan ko yung sarili kong nabubuhay sa kasalukuyan. Kasi nakaka-awa siya. Kasi wala na siyang feelings. At hindi niya alam kung paano mababawi ‘yon. Pati nga sa puntong ‘to feeling ko napakawalang kwenta ng mga luha ko e. Parang, bat pa ‘ko umiiyak, wala namang saysay. 

Gusto ko na namang sumuko. This time, sa sarili ko na talaga. Hindi sa kahit anong bagay. Nawawalan na ko ng pag-asa sa sarili ko na keri ko pang mahalin ang sarili ko. I could not expect anyone to do this for me, kasi siyempre ako lang naman ang makakalunas sa sarili ko sa aspetong ‘to, di ba? 

Kaya, sorry. Sa lahat ng taong nasaktan, nasasaktan, o masasaktan ko pa kasi ang laki ng problema ko sa sarili ko. 

-R. Hoping for better days. And more tomorrows.

[trustcrumbles]

im just stuck

i used to look at the tumblr girls and never felt envious.. until the car crash. yesterday was my first day looking through tumblr since the car accident and it's painful. i know that even before the car crash I didnt love myself, i didnt hate myself either. I never told myself i was ugly. yes, i pointed out my flaws, my imperfections but thats just a reminder for myself that not being perfect doesnt matter. i was confident. i accepted the way i looked and the way i am and the way i do things and now? i hate the way i look. i look ugly. im in pain all the time and pain meds arent going to help me this time. i want a way out but i cant leave. i want to rewind time and have this never happen to me, but i cant and now im stuck with the opportunity to relive the accident every time i close my eyes or try to walk. im stuck with my face looking like this. im stuck with the memories of pain. im stuck with the feelings of disappointment i felt from myself and those i love. im stuck with this stupid immobilizer. im stuck with restrictions. im stuck being ugly. im just stuck.