#depression'

[lazilycleverking]

A quote from Amy Tan’s Valley of Amazement

one of my more depressive quotes

I own nothing but the edits

[libnood]

[glitteryenemyqueen]

Long Day

What a long day, Taking care of five boys is not easy at all. I love my grandsons but some days I miss having my own life. I am pretty sure my daughter can do this now. I may make plans to live on my own and be a grandmother they visit and then leave lol. So much goes through my mind on a daily basis. Hard to breath some days, today was one of those days.

[legendslog-blog]

the fuck everything day

I usually walk to work but today I drove. I had my car at the testing center when I took the Oregon Tax Preparer’s exam, and since I ran late (God bless the lady who gave me an extra 10 minutes), I grabbed McDonalds and headed over there. The afternoon passes without much excitement. I get off at 6.

I drive over to Albertson’s because I have needed groceries for days now but I never want to do much except for eat or lay on the couch, but I also wanted to buy myself some nice flowers because my birthday is on Wednesday and I like Albertson’s floral department. I always admire their 3 for $12 Market Bunches and imagine how I would like to arrange them. I ended up spending $150 there between buying flowers, good meat, some fresh produce, an angel food loaf, and a bottle of Champagne. They were gifts to myself. I like to eat well and have a good view.

I got in my car to come home, ready to whip something delicious up and spend a cozy evening in. I had received a text from my friend, Dallon who I am learning sign language with. He and a friend were going to stop by to say hi.

When I come home, there is a note hanging around my doorknob. I turn the lights on and nothing happens. The house is dark and so quiet. My power is out. Fuck. Tears just came into my eyes. I knew I should have paid bills last week. WHY do I always put it off????? So I’m devastated and feeling like a lowlife. I know I haven’t seen a shutoff notice, though. I know I would have paid it. How could they just shut it off without telling me? The paper said it could cost me $65 to get service restored.  Cool. I barely got my first paycheck from my new job. I don’t know what my budget is but I can’t imagine it’s the kind of budget where you can afford any accident over $20 because you only work 30 hours a week (and it feels like 50).

Back to my pitiful self, here... So I load the groceries in and call the service number. After a few minutes of waiting, I speak to the guy and give him my card information and he’s trying to process it but their system is down. It’s been several minutes now and we’ve tried twice and it’s not allowing him to take payment so he tells me there is a service station in Red Apple. That’s a block away. I get off the phone, having a hard time breathing now. I don’t want to walk down there because I’ve already been crying and I can’t imagine what I look like. I hold my rib cage with my right hand and tighten my grip and twist my wrist and press in, over and over.

I wonder if Dallon is coming by. I hope he is, because I would like to have the distraction of having to talk to someone and I’m having a hard time breathing, but it’s been more than 30 minutes since he sent that text. I checked my phone, which is conveniently at 6% battery, he had replied, “I’m headed home, now. JP had to go anyway.”

I still can’t breathe very well and I’m very anxious about showing my red cry face in public when I want to be under the covers, so I call and text Vicente. He is busy. 

 At this point I consider not even going to Red Apple. Not paying it till tomorrow. I could get up early and walk down there before work, have them restore service sometime during the day so I can lay on the floor for the rest of tonight. 

I thought of a Kat Williams special that I used to watch on Netflix. He says that if you smoke a little weed, you will look at everything differently. You might get your power shut off, hit that blunt, and shrug it off because: “I got 14 candles I’ve been just waiting to burn!!”, so I lit a candle and decided that if I could put the groceries away, I would try taking a bath in the dark and turning in early. The power could wait till tomorrow [depression is cool because it makes you look like a fuckin wimp]. When I open the fridge I realize that I will be going to Red Apple whether I want to or not. The fridge isn’t on. I can’t afford to let the $150 worth of groceries I just bought (all my favorite meats, too) go to waste.

I head out into the cold, grabbing my portable charger that has one tiny sliver of battery life left (I had already tried to plug my phone into an outlet that had NO POWER TO IT). 

I call my good friend Javier Almaraz in Colorado. He’ll be the one to tell me that I’m being a pussy. That I need to toughen up, take care of business, and be thankful for the shit I have in life. 

He listens to me because he’s a good friend. I get to Red Apple and the lady at the desk says she cannot take a debit card as a form of payment, I’ll have to use the ATM. The ATM doesn’t work. I walk across the street to Farmer’s Supply and while I’m using their ATM, Vicente calls me. I thank Javier and say goodbye, then call Vicente back and begin to tell him what is happening, but I am sobbing while crossing the street. I look at my phone and see the 1% battery, and I just lose it. I beg him to come over so I can use his phone to call Idaho Power. All he says is that I know where he lives, and that if I need him so bad I’ll go over there. I explain to him that I am really not feeling well (I am getting more frantic all the time). He says “I’m tired and I don’t want to leave home. You know where I’m at.” I tell him I have to go before my phone dies. I am beside myself. I thought I could count on him - of all people - to help me if I really needed it.

I compose myself and go back into Red Apple. Go back to the cashier and hand her the $200. She asks if I’m going to be okay. I can’t even answer her because I am crying again now; it all leaked out of me when she asked that. I ask for a Kleenex and tell her what happens. While I am in the bathroom crying for 5 minutes, she charges my power bank for me.

I dial the number to Idaho Power while I’m in the store and walked around a little bit until the gentleman on the phone said he’d send a technician out immediately. I return home and call my grandma and smoke the rest of a leftover joint and watch that candle burn, even after the power is restored. 

I am exhausted and resolved. My dog cuddles me on the couch for an hour while I lay there. She always takes care of me on days like these. Comes right up next to me and caters to me and lays with me and nudges me. 

I finally get enough motivation to put a few of the groceries away and attempt to arrange my flowers but end up with an awkward, displeasing group of soft, pretty colored things. 

[postlitany]

Concept:

Don’t make people with depression feel like they are a burden to you. It really doesn’t help us. Please kindly fuck off.

[jessicam1202]

I Cant Need You Anymore

I may love you but I need to love me more. Enough to do right by me but also do right by my responsibilities. I may be a bit much sometimes but I will never be left feeling disregarded again. Ill fight for me until my last breath!

[muse-whimsy]

my summer’s resolution is to read more fanfics and stuff

i feel like such shit, because i know i won’t be able to read a fanfic without comparing the writer’s skills to my own, and falling into angst in the process. it had happened to me every single time i read a fanfic. it’s why i just can’t read them.

i literally am incapable of reading fanfiction because of my mental health and i feel like i’ve missed out on so much.

i feel like such shit because of this. i just want to be able to be happy reading a fanfic. i don’t want to have to fall into angst.