#depressionblogging

[catwif3]

i don't know why i'm beating myself up for not creating or participating in anything when i already KNOW that thanksgiving > xmas is literally always the worst stretch of time for me and i'm just locked in a nebulous depression stress hell no matter what T o T

tbh the circumstances are great and i'm maintaining daily life instead of spiraling and getting real suicidal so being a little quieter online is NOT the end of the world, thanks brain

.........the ever-present fear of losing the hyperfixation tho.... bro what if this time it's not just anhedonia T o T

[pervocracy]

I think the biggest change I’m experiencing is in the little things.  The times it takes 5 seconds of extra effort to do something right.  Rinsing a dish after I use it.  Putting nice corners on the sheet when I make the bed.  (Also, making the bed.)  Putting an almost-cooked potato back in the oven to finish cooking, instead of eating it half-raw and pretending not to mind.

As I’d gotten deeper into sleep deprivation, I had adopted habits of living that could kindly be described as “efficient.”  And now it seems like I’m gradually losing those habits.  It hasn’t been long enough to know whether this means anything permanent, but it feels very encouraging.

If nothing else, it feels really good to have behaviors I had categorized as “I do this because I’m a slob” suddenly jump irrefutably into the category of “I do this when I’m exhausted.”

[elucubrare]

05.17.2018

[fidelishaereticus]

seeing pics of myself in college or from other delusional "high points" of my life really ruins my day like. aw. i was so cute when i had hopes and dreams

[the-ghost-of-jason-todd]

Me, singing to the tune of gay or european: is it artblock or depression?

[catwif3]

cw: alcohol mention

i do NOT know how to make the tasks feel less like a saw trap today and i am considering the application of vodka

to do:

vacuum

clean bathroom

dishes

start laundry / packing for feast

[catwif3]

what i should be doing: taking a shower, cleaning out the craft room, drawing

what i am doing: being very tired, dissociating, crashing out, crying

[catwif3]

petitioning the universe for more spoons, please, god

i was pretty hopeful for today this morning but then i had to shower and that kinda wiped me out TT A TT