So hello again tumblr! It’s funny to say this but I just tend to open this every time I have a severe problem in my life. Maybe it is a sort of depression or an anxiety attack. Well “Am I enough” is the title because I keep on asking myself that question over and over again. Because if I’m enough, definitely my girl won’t leave me anymore cos I’m enough. If I’m enough, my dad won’t always brag and comparing his degree and high grades during his days to mine and emphasizing that I’m a worthless son to him. I feel sad because why on earth I need to experience all of these shit in my life. At the very start I already know that my parents won’t give a 100% importance to me because they didn’t let me study in UST which it is my one of my dream universities in my life. Instead they let me study here in DLSU-D which a school that I hated the most. “Anak mahal kasi tuition, wala na kaming pera, etc.” Usapang tuition ba kamo? Well UST marketing management course is way cheaper than DLSU-D. Second, malayo? well my cousin has a condo in espana where I can stay and rent for a cheap price. Ano pa? Simple arguments palang to talo na kayo, what more sa iba pa. All I want in this world is to be loved and to be accepted of who I am and what I am that’s all man. But the fucking problem is, my request is so simple but it’s sooo hard for others to do it. Even asking something sa parents ko nahihiya nako because I always think that I am not enough for them. Even asking for a brand new laptop for my studies cos the old one sucks di ko magawa cos isa lang ang maririnig ko from them. “Anak ano ba yan gastos nanaman!” And that breaks my heart and cry inside the restroom para di nila malaman that I’m crying. I always pretend to be strong and happy to cover up my real and ugly self. I always ask myself “Am I enough?” Tomorrow is another social construct day that is so called “Valentines” but even though it is a social construct, I want also to celebrate valentines with someone who I do really loved the most. But sadly, that girl that I loved the most left me already 3 months ago already. Man it’s been 3 months already, but my heart and all the pain is still in here. It’s hard to let go especially to the person who you are 200% sure with, to the person that my whole clan was already attached with, to the person who knows all my vison and goals in my life and she is part of it, and to the person who accepted me fully of who I am and what I am. Actually to be honest, our 4 months relationship with my ex was my best moments in my life. Because finally I already answered my question “Am I enough?” Because finally someone says that “Yes D, You are enough” I felt so good and my happiness overflows outside my system. But suddenly all of these happiness gradually fades away. I always ask myself. If she said that I’m enough, why did she leave me? Yes I admit, I commit a lot of mistakes to her, I’m not a perfect boyfriend that every girls is expecting with, I didn’t treat her better and taken her for granted. But I do believe, everyone deserves another chance to change and to prove their worth to someone. And for the first time in my life, I finally do things that I never did in my entire life for her because it is all for love. But why after all the efforts I’m still not enough for her that she didn’t give me another chance and she decided to leave me for good. Dude ang sakit pare kung alam mo lang tangina! Hanggang ngayon andito padin tong sakit sa puso na iniwan mo sakin. I cried and ask God “when will I be enough? Especially to someone?” Yes I’m always thankful for what I have right now. But I all ask for one thing, acceptance, love and making me feel that I am enough. fia, girls like you is so rare that makes me feel so extremely depressed because I lose you. I wont act like this if you’re not rare. Because for the first time all character of a girl that I want ay nahanap ko lahat sayo na akala ko imposible nang mahanap sa sobrang dami kong gusto. And losing you makes myself guilty and i keep on blaming myself why I did this, and I did that na kahit yung friendship natin na put into risk na and from lovers to bestfriends and now it turned into strangers that having a conversation is barely to happen. I don’t know how to move on or how this pain will finally go away. But I ask one thing, and it’s for you to come back again. And kung di na talaga kaya, sana kahit yung solid bestfriends lang dati na kung saan anytime we want to talk, we can talk or kung nasa mood ka mag call mag cacall ka yung parang dati lang, sana maibalik yun, sana maibalik yung dating tayo. Gusto ko nang mawala lahat lahat ng sakit na nandito sa puso ko. I don’t know when this will end. But if this pain will finally ends sana maging masaya ka sa kung anong meron ka ngayon, cos I’ll be happy as well. And sana someday if we’re not meant to be talaga, sana may ma meet ako na someone na rare din like you and if nameet ko sya and naging kami, I’m definitely sure na di ko na yun papakawalan and I will treat her the way a queen must be treated. And I will make sure na itatama ko na lahat ng mali ko and all of my mistakes in the past will never ever happened again. Hope someday someone will say “D/Derek/Derek Matthew, YOU ARE ENOUGH.”
