Dear Grace
Just as quick as I proclaim that I wanted to challenge myself to stand firm in God’s promises and change, the devil comes to attack me with the very same thing I struggle with - self-doubt and unwillingness to change.
I went about today happy. I did my devotion. Had a nice creamy yogurt for breakfast and a nice lunc-ner (between lunch and dinner) with an old friend. Everything went well... until sharing during life group.
Isn't it so funny that the devil can attack you at literally any point when you least expect it? The devil truly knows my weaknesses and my most hidden insecurities. He used that against me in the place that I thought I would feel the most safe - among my church community. We were sharing and somehow I came to the topic to self-doubt and how I always cannot break through this... Then my lifegroup/ small group leader was there... and I remember him once praying for me to break out of that “Second generation Christian self-pity / arrogance”.
When he first prayed for me that prayer and revealed to me what God told him, I felt so vulnerable and started crying. It was such a raw and sore and vulnerable thing for me. That was my weakness that I never want others, especially people from the church to know, and here was my leader telling me this was what God told him. So what has that got to do with the story above? Well, let me link it together so that you can see the crazy train track process in my mind.
Because he knew my vulnerabilities and he prayed for me, in my pride and arrogance, I wanted to show that I had change. Not by God’s conviction, but by my own might. However, in the life group sharing today, I shared about this self-doubt and insecurity and I looked at him... and perhaps I was too sensitive (which I am almost 100% sure that was the case), I felt this disappointed and disapproving look from him. I am actually pretty sure he did not mean anything and it was me overthinking but in that moment... I felt ashamed, guilty and I just really wanted to run away. Thoughts such as : you are still not changing and not wanting to change (something I highlighted in yesterday’s post), you are still stuck, why are you not trusting in God’s power you disbelieving hypocrite. Like woah. It was a wave. A wave of insecurity and shame...
I carried it all the way back home - waiting for the bus; on the bus; walking up to my house from the bus stop. So in a random spur of the moment, I decided to go for a run.
Plugged in my earphones and ran.
Music and running truly go together because when the music was blasting through my ears, all I could think of was run. Just run. I was focused and not distracted because my mind was filled with the music that propelled me to run. BUT, suddenly the music in my phone stopped (because I accidentally locked my phone so spotify could not work) and I found it so hard to focus on running because I was distracted by all the sounds, even in the silence around me at night. And that was when it hit me.
The devil could get to me because I have not been filling myself up with God’s Word and Power. If I have God’s power and word and promised filled up in my head, I would be able to focus through the pain and make it to my end goal. And for me to be able to do that is to realise that God’s grace has the power to push out the devil and let in the Holy Spirit in. Kinda loosely ties in to the scripture I read today.
“For the grace of God that brings salvation has appeared to all men, it teaches us to say ‘No’ to ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright and godly lives in this present age where we wait for the blessed hope - the glorious appearing of our great God and Saviour, Jesus Christ.” - Titus 2: 11-13
If I fill up myself with the grace of God that comes through knowing His word and promises and the revelation of who God truly is, I will be able to reject the negative mentality that is derived from the devil. We need to fill ourselves and keep full and overflowing with God’s grace and love because it is only then and there that we can use the power of the scripture to reject all lies from the devil. The devil only comes to kill, steal and destroy but because I know who I am in God and God’s unconditional love for me, I will say ‘No’ and reject the lies from the devil.
In Jesus Christ, I am a new creation. Each day I will carry the cross and remember His mercy and grace. Praise the Lord with is the Truth and the Way and the Light. All glory to Him who reigns above. Amen.
