#deyva

[gettoknowcollectivetelos]

Have you ever died?

Renata

Yes.

CJ

That depends on who you ask and how you define “died,” but as far as I’m concerned, I’ve had a lot of things happen but I’ve yet to officially “die.” Yes. [added on 4/16/2017]

Deyva

Yep.

Thirteen

a few times.

Tyris

Apparently.

Remy

I suppose you could put it that way, but as CJ said, it depends on how you define it. Either way, I came back green-based in 2013. 

Sy

Yes. [added on 11/29/2015]

[collective-teleography]

That Sylph and Deyva are polar opposites in some areas, but these days they actually seem to get along fairly decently.

That Sylph’s top alignments are Neutral Good, Chaotic Good, Lawful Good, and True Neutral.

Deyva’s are Chaotic Neutral, True Neutral, Chaotic Evil, and Neutral Evil.

Deidal’s were True Neutral, Chaotic Neutral, Neutral Good, and Chaotic Good.

[gettoknowcollectivetelos]

A song you like with a number in the title?

Renata

Hm.. Heh, Anthem Part II by Blink-182.

Deyva

“100 Generations” by ThouShaltNot.

CJ

9 Songs to Save the World by Norwegian Recycling is still pretty great.

Wiley

bo burnham’s channel 5: the musical [10/5/2017]

Reason

“Concept 1″ by Kodomo is nice. [10/5/2017]

Rosco

I suppose “One Step Closer” by Linkin Park. [10/5/2017]

Bluebird

“the home we made pt II” - crywolf [10/5/2017]

Reina

“One of Us” by New Politics is pretty catchy. [10/5/2017]

[collectivetey]

Oho no self, no no, we're not going that route.. ..ha, who am I kidding, we'll end up there somehow, it's only a matter of time..

I really can't say I'm looking forward to trying to face all this buried emotional shit. I don't want to go back to file-browsing and trying desperately to re-analyze everything for the millionth time so maybe it'll finally make sense. that shit is exhausting.

But then, late January always fucks with us in SOME way, guess I'm not surprised the file-browsing bug has hit again not long after that.. It's been a while, actually, I was thinking about it recently, how long it's been since our last "time travel" binge.. I guess we were overdue.

But I'd still really rather not.. I'd really, really rather not. look at how eloquent I am when it comes to talking about this shit out loud, haha, such eloquent eloquenting mmboy..

fucking hell do we need consistent therapy. I would have been shocked and horrified to hear myself say that ten/eleven/twelve years ago, heh, but it turns out it really was just a matter of finding the right one for our needs.. But of course, even after we've found her we don't have the financial security to see her regularly..

It's kind of weird to talk about needing some kind of assistance from an external source. More than kind of weird.

But the more I look at all the fucked up bullshit coming to a head at the same time, with all the recent progress and changes over the past several months, the more I just can't deny that we're definitely not equipped to tackle all that without her.

Which is why so much of it was squished down to begin with, heh, we just hate ourselves too much to know how to deal with certain emotiony things in non-self-and/or-selves-destructive ways..

Remy's been on me about writing more, yay for sideblogs, et cetera.. She's also been on Deyva and I don't like where that's going heh, because Deyva and I are quite similar in many ways so if she starts going down a certain path she may very well end up dragging me into it too, given our frequent co-consciousness and amount of mental processes and neuron-firing-patterns in common.. ahh that's gonna be fun, yep..

Tried to eat a kiwi earlier and it took hours for our mouth to stop burning. Apparently we've developed an allergy to what used to be one of our preferred fruits. e.x Because of course we have.

I dunno what else to say here. The body's fucked up recently and I have some guesses as to why but nothing confirmable, woo.. The mother unit claims we had our measles shot back in the day, but frankly I wouldn't be surprised if the lovely parentalfolk botched that somehow, like by forgetting about the second shot or something.. -.- Which is totally something one or both of them might have done at the time if left to their own devices, so, heh, who knows..

We keep trying to figure out how to organize this recovery shit with different blogs for certain topics and organizational tag methods and all that, but.. It all just seems to blur together. I need to do that post about our diagnostic history over the past.. what, seventeen, eighteen years, since our first therapist? Heh, what an adventure..

At this point I'm not really sure where or if we'll post any of it. But then, we were the most emotionally expressive back in the years when we journaled for hours daily, so I guess we should write it somewhere.. Probably an LJ if we decide not to use tumblr.. I dunno, I guess it'll mostly depend on if we can find a way to semi-regularly see the shrink, because if we can't then I don't know how we'll be able to try tapping into emotionally expressive shit again, we can't just go fuck with that sleeping bear and not have a plan for what to do when it starts coming after us..

But I dunno how we'd do that. Our art style is pretty close to being RedBubble-worthy-ish, so that's something, but even with our line of Mental Health Bear stuff, I dunno, doesn't seem like we'll actually be able to make enough money at it to support our immmmense therapy needs.. But I suppose that's probably the insecurity talking.. Or is it the voice of reason, muaha, we won't know until it's too late..

Fucking tired of being conscious, ugh..

[collectivetey]

[collectivetey]

Been having a hell of a time wrangling it, but through a combination of learning some new Photoshop tools, trying out a new method for digital painting, and sheer obsessive determination, our new art style is developing rather nicely. It's been overdue for a major shake-up for several years now, so I'm not surprised it's been this much of an ordeal to figure out all the little details we've been meaning to update for so long.

Should hopefully pay off ha literally when we've honed our new skills enough to start producing more for our Mental Health Bears line of designs on Redbubble, among other things. Still have some more details to iron out, but we'll probably post one of our new designs soon.

[seer-of-thought]

Apparently we're going to that one place with the super-cold spring, in a few-ish hours. That could be cool I guess - ba dum chh. One of the only things I actually remember about that place is how damn frigid the water is.

Aside from that though, I remember finding the place pretty chill [ba dum chh again] and relaxing, when not too crowded.. I suppose I might stick around. Maybe Z and I could hang out there sometime.

Or not, dunno if they let you wear hoodies in the water.. But then, why not, if it's a pullover without a metal zipper to get rusty? I dunno what the rules of the place were back then, much less now, but I don't think they're too strict on clothes.. I suppose we'll look around for signage indicating a dress code when we get there.

Apparently we're also going to be trying out "firecrackers," which could be interesting.. And Deyva wanted to check out the scenery with the goggles, so I guess we'll probably both be there.

Ended up reading through some of our excruciatingly old poetry earlier, circa 2002. Yeesh. Still though, it was that stream-of-consciousness writing that opened up the first clear paths of communication, can't hate on it too much I guess..

My, I certainly do "guess" and "suppose" a lot, don't I.

I dunno what else to say here, though I have the feeling that if I don't get back into the habit of journaling on a regular basis, I'm in for some more awesome fun yaytimes with a certain spooky little grief-bear.

I don't think I even dread it as much, as I did before.. It seems more like an inevitability, than anything to be trying to hide from, at this point. I suppose I always knew all that "unresolved turmoil" would catch up with me, even all these years later.

Still though. Not gonna be pretty, if we can't afford more regular sessions with that shrink, and all that shit hits the fan, after eight years..

Heh. Me, talking about regular sessions with a shrink. My how times do change.

To be fair, though, apparently like eight of the nine-or-so other shrinks we went through first were pretty shit, which is quite in line with my former perception of them. So it's not like it was unfounded paranoia. We just happened to get extremely lucky with this one.

Except for the whole "doesn't take insurance" thing. There's a great reason behind why she doesn't, but even so, the out-of-pocket aspect has pretty much put therapy stuff on hold for the moment. Yay, money.

Suppose that's more incentive to get back to work on the Mental Health Bears.. meh.

I'm not used to having to schedule and predict my creative output, and Deyva keeps pissily insisting that we're not some kind of dancing street-monkey and we will not be a slave to deadlines. She's been this way for like eleven years now, heh.. "Art first. All else later." Though these days that's expanded to include all creative endeavors, as opposed to just drawing.. All she wants to do is follow the flow of our creative energy and let it do as it chooses, regardless of such piddling external matters as time or money.

Typical Bipolar II fun, woo.

Turns out I kinda like Marina & The Diamonds. Also woo.

Uh.. Yeah, that's all I got, I guess. Guess guess guess, suppose suppose suppose.

Later.

[collectivetey]

So lineart has been pissing me off for a while, because our collective OCPD makes it a harrowing and stupidly time-consuming process. Deyva and I are gonna try to do things more painting-style for a bit, only using lineart to get the colors down, then not obsessing over it as has been our modus operandi thus far. May post system pics here if the results are decent.