#diariodigiulia

[quantiposti-haichiamatocasa]

Senti Giulia, calma. Hai già provato questa sensazione di incertezza e paura e indecisione riguardo al prossimo passo da compiere. L'hai già provato. E l'hai superato. Non è tanto nel quale decisione prendere, sta tutto nel prendere LA decisione. L'hai già provato e l'hai superato. Sarà così anche questa volta. L'adrenalina prima del salto, il secondo di vuoto prima di aprire le ali. E poi Giulia, poi voli.

Giulia, diario 13/02/18

[quantiposti-haichiamatocasa]

I miss a friend, damn it. I miss her so much that I can feel her presence as a great emptiness that follows me like a shadow. I sometimes miss her so intensely that I can feel the blades that this enemy is sticking in my skin. I miss her as the air is missing while holding your breath, underwater, as when the throat burns and the tiny parts of you scream 'air'. I feel myself disappearing in front of the immense wave of life that goes on, that continues, that overwhelms me and brings me, gasping, to the shore. I miss her like when, looking at the black and cold rainy sky, you miss the sun. And like when, in front of a bare and skeletal tree corroded by frost, you want to see sweet green shoots emerge, and flowers, flowers of all colors. I think about the multitude of shining lives I have had, always and daily, by my side, and every smile of them is now a stab. I relive their warmth and their closeness as one could taste a rotten apple, after having known only the taste of their goodness. And I feel deprived of all energy from the simple awareness that life continues, that happiness can sometimes end, that the future is a great unknown, that compared to the height of joy everything is destined to be placed below it . Only the great total hypocrisy can make me smile, in the midst of this desolate landscape, of rotten uncleanness that the corpses of the joys of my past leave behind. And where can a poor soul find the strength to get up again if all this spate is full of mud and shit and keeps her stuck? I am lucidly aware and desperately intolerant. Tirelessly looking for peace, a better day, a new beginning. And I still believe that this desert of fog can end, I strongly believe it because I have no choice. Because I can not resign myself to this sense of squalor. Can you save yourself by your own? The answer is, yes I will.

Giulia