#diary sort of

[melangedmess]

I was friends with this person for 12 years and today she told me she can't tolerate me anymore, and I wanted to say "me too you ain't special". I'm glad she left - it's not her responsibility to keep up with my shitty mental health. I just wish I had that option too.

it hurt when she said she liked me before I was over-sensitive to my trauma, happy, and a kid. And added, there's no point in supporting me when I'm not trying to get better and clearly do not want to get better and keep failing at every effort I put. A part of me feels extremely guilty for forcing this friendship upon her, a part of me wishes she left earlier so it would hurt less.

I'm highly aware that my sense of humor is broken but I always tried my best to make her laugh, not bother her a lot with my issues, but I guess that was still too much. And I get it, I do not blame her - if I had the chance I'd be the first person to leave me, I'm just surprised that she tolerated me for so long. She's the best thing happened to me ❤️ I love you and thank you keeping me in your life, making memories with me, sharing a part of you with me, I am so glad I was your friend. I hope you find better people in your life, bc you deserve the best.

[chraneness]

Tell me if y’all want the Drabble to stop.

Till then, more:

My mind is a mess of pieces of machine parts, spinning around me as I try not to get cut by them as they pass me closer and closer. Music is blasting from all around me and I don’t know where it is coming from.

But outside I’m still.

My mind is shaking and shouting at me. Crying out for help. Yelling to be let out. To talk. To share that I can’t focus on one thing because it’s too loud in here.

Outside I am still.

They don’t like it when I let it out. When I yell and laugh and don’t cooperate. I sing too loud. I talk too much.

So I’m still.

Dramatic. That’s the word they use. I’m too dramatic. I have always cared too much. I call it passionate. They call it dramatic. Why are my emotions dramatic?

I am s t i l l.

That’s not where I thought it would go but oh well.

[seekers-who-are-lovers]

There are books that haunt you. These are the books that will stay with you forever.

However my life turns out, Milan Kundera’s “Immortality” will haunt me forever. My go-to comfort/intellectual read. My imaginary best friend because she knows what I feel. All the goddamned time.

And this chapter and these passages still impress me. After all these years.

[seekers-who-are-lovers]

Rustic. Old. Bustling.

After eyeing this coffee house for almost 1-1/2 years every time I walk going home, I had the courage to enter today and take our breakfast after our late morning jog. It is located in one of the most beautiful streets in Vienna (methinks), Servitengasse. It is called La Mercerie. I don’t know if the owners got their inspiration from the coffeehouse with the same name in NYC. It is pretty French. Though the scrambled eggs cooked in truffle oil with champignons and corn salad dressed in kernel oil and balsamic vinegar was good, it was a bit pricey. Still their patisserie choices are varied, and delicious.

Some of the clients are Asian tourists. Lily James shot her Vöslauer ad next to the café where she could be seen running on the street.

[seekers-who-are-lovers]

You’d never lure me reblogging quotes from known Islamophobes, racists, transphobes, etc., just because their Twitter/FB/Reddit posts are “witty” or “clever.” Before you post something, think about that person’s background/reputation, and not only about your current feelings.

Tsk, tsk, tsk.

[seekers-who-are-lovers]

So after a year of dilly-dallying the UK Labour Party will back a second Brexit referendum. Jesus Christ, Corbyn and co., the people have been clamoring for this. Instead your party is deluged with antisemitic incidents, members leaving the party, and dissatisfied Labour voters.

I hope it isn’t too late. Brits, do it better this time. If it happens.

[seekers-who-are-lovers]

I miss London

I cannot stop the hold London has on me. Dazzling. Enchanting. From the bustling Earl’s Court brewing with Filipino-British community to a cosy afternoon tea at the Fan Museum’s Orangery to theater plays with Gillian Anderson, Lily James, Danny Dyer, and Martin Freeman to walks along Gower Street after a delicious breakfast trip at Speedy’s marvelling at the guests from simple laborers to Sherlock BBC fans, to especially a good company watching the Chinese Lunar New Year’s parade. It will be two weeks. And I miss the city.

[seekers-who-are-lovers]

“‘My idea of good company, Mr. Elliot, is the company of clever, well-informed people, who have a great deal of conversation; that is what I call good company,’ Anne said. ‘You are mistaken,’ said he gently, ‘that is not good company; that is the best…’”

—“Persuasion” by Jane Austen, p. 148

Methinks that is one good reason my London sojourn was a successful and an unforgettable one. I was with a company I could call “my people.” From the location of the hotel (Earl’s Court is home to the many British Filipinos owing to the many stores, a bank, and restaurants/eateries) to the activities (theatre, afternoon tea, etc.) and to the people I was with. London would probably be different if I didn’t have any of these.