#diaryoffireworks

[kissoffireworks]

My universe #3

Things getting worse today because i had no process yesterday. A nightmare named “you can do nothing” came to me and kept wisphering and mumbing next my ears. They sounds like thunder in cold winter time which makes me uncomfortable and terrified.

The only thing i can do is endless crying. So strange, when negative thoughts came to me even one seconds but i cannot get rid of it for a very long time. The expanding part of the invisible hands squzze me and i can’t breath. I’m an adult now, but i still feel depressed, sad, desperate, slef-hate...they’re eating my mind slowly. The most annoying thing is i have no power to stop my brain, i really can’t. Sometimes i feel like my brain is just a parasite who lives in my head. I give it a place to stay and i could do nothing otehr than that. 

It makes me stressed out that i actually cannot control my own brain, but some voice in my head told me “you’re just finding a excuse to avoid much harder part in your life, you’re choosing write sh*t on Tumblr instead of finish your work as soon as possible”

It didn’t help at all.

[kissoffireworks]

My universe #2

This can be a very suffering week.

I feel anxious very often, I jealous those people who are calm and peace. They seems not the type of person who make plans just out of a sudddenly passion. They will follow the plans step by step when time passed. I’m so jealous that my stomach getting pain. I’m not saying i want to do some evail things to ruin their life, the most awful thing i would do is grab them and keep complaining about my weakness and unhappy life until they start to dislike me. At that time i may leave scilently.

I’m escaping from the world now. I hide myself in this universe at this moment. 

10:35am 01/11/21

Making a safe zone for myself is always important. I go to a party(not even a party maybe just a socializing occasion) with concerness. Who should i talk to, what if someone feel boring when i talk, should i join their topic? That’s too much. Everytime i feel like an island in a group of people, i would escape. And now i should have writing my essays, but i don’t. 

And did anyone notice i like to open a paragraph with “i feel like” “i don’t think”...dose it represent that i care myself too much? Or only i have no one to write in my diary because loneyness. 

[kissoffireworks]

My universe #1

I want to take an experiment: how long could i insist writing diraries this time.

When writing my essays, anything can be funnier than my essays. The reason i named my blog “kissoffireworks” is at this moment the actually fireworks exploding outside my window.  The Halloween, yes, that’s why people so unusual and out-of-rules. They dressed as clowns, trains and cat woman. I don’t know why that makes me think about a book called “kiss of the spiderwoman”. Back in 2018, i watched the movie at my room, lights off, i cried. I have to say that I cry a lot even in my normal life. I don’t want to consider about the words i use, my spelling, the structure of this diary, how other people in Tumblr would react to this nonsense meaningless text. I just want to share pieces of my thoughts because i have a theater in my brain. I imagine the floating subtitle on the screen, in the middle of my theater a balck&white movie is been playing. I’m the actress.

Until this year, i can actually say that i celebrate and do some preperation for Halloween—— the last 21 years of my life i didn’t care about this day, it was just the last day of October. But this year is different, i away from home and family, old friends got their new social environment after graduation. Flying alone for over 18 hours to the otherside of earth is not a good start for my new life.

Okay i feel like i don’t want to write anything now, i decide to stop here.