#diejt

[kpopselo]

Bembem i DiEjt šire balkansko kulturno nasleđe

[kpopselo]

Đun: Volim te!

DiEjt: Može l' to malo tiše?

[multiuserbody]

I was irreversibly changed overnight. Like a whole different person stepped into my body, but it's still me. Everything I cared about and valued changed. Beyond the apathy of depression. Beyond the hollows of grief. Despair. After fighting for myself for over a decade it's like everything in me gave up all at once. All the hard work to improve myself and my situation had suddenly felt wasted. I had made all the best choices I could, made hard choices, stayed out of trouble. Building up good habits takes time. It all felt pointless and wasted. I keep ending up with the same core issues regardless of what I do. It wasn't all wasted, I'm far better off than I was. But there are some things you can't change. Some damage can't be undone.

There's been only one other time I truly hit the worst emotionally and it ended with someone intervening; I was still young and had no freedom then. I decided I would try everything I could to make things better first and little by little things improved. Learning how to set boundaries, basic human maintenance, how to communicate etc. I ended up homeless more than once but no one was controlling me, I was the one making the choices for me. I was desperate for things to be better and I was putting in the work to direct that change. Good food, good sleep, good exercise, and clean space really goes a long way to helping you get better. I didn't try antidepressants until recent years and the way it altered my brain has permanently debuffed me. None of the antidepressants my doctor gave me worked, some with serious side effects. I don't regret trying them because if they worked I would be writing something very different. Trying everything from least risk to most risk really worked out for me.

Sheer willpower and the blind belief that things will change is what got me through. And things will always change. Focusing on what I actually had control over made it easier. The real basic shit helps a lot even though it's fucking annoying to hear. The physical side not only makes you feel a little less shit but also it's way better to feel like shit when you don't have to deal with the consequences of not dealing with shit. Everything seems so simple to me. You just make a bunch of choices. What sort of life do you want? What sort of person do you want to be? How do you get there? Just start making the choices that will lead you there.

There are some things that can't be changed though. Things that you will always struggle with. And I just don't want to deal with any of it anymore. I'm proud of how long I kept trying my best. Something in me snapped again like it did all those years ago. but for a while there were some good times. And I could have good times again. But nothing lasts forever. Everything will change. I don't want to go through it all again.

[multiuserbody]

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