#digital ask

[ganglymask]

🌼 + Has your mom been some form of influence in your pursuance of drawing art and manga?

Music

"Once again, you waste your time on this trash instead of doing your homework? Do you not realise how cut-throat the art industry is? You need talent, you need to stand out, and most of all you need skill. The pressure I put on you is nothing compared to the pressure coming from the sheer number of people who all want the same thing as you."

Purple came close to White giving a look that froze the poor girl into place. Tears threatened to fall from her eyes but she held fast. Her mask held despite the intense fear that was building up within the girl.

"All industries follow the same basic rules you know? Everything is a struggle, everything is a contest, if you're not the one winning then you're losing. And despite how hard you work, how hard you push yourself, how hard to try to turn the game in your favour. There is always someone better than you ready to take it away. Someone like you wouldn't have what it takes to handle that lifestyle you simply don't. And, that's not even bringing in the costs. In-fact money is the cheat code, the more you have, the more real power you have over the world."

Purple's hand reaches for White's hair as she pulls on it to make White look towards her. Because like always White looked away. And Purple always hated when she did that. She wanted to know she was being listened to, and if you didn't then well she made you listen to her.

"I would be proud of you if you could rise to the occasion. Instead of loafing around the house all the time you'd be doing something. As I've said many times though, art isn't something a career worth chasing. You have to go to a special school, you need special teachers, you need special equipment, you need art supplies, you need books, and the list goes on. It is a place filled with faux intellectuals who think they understand the world because they put paint down onto paper!"

White finally cried the tears coming out due to the sheer onslaught of words crushing down on all of her dreams. Like it had before so many other times, her mother only sought to crush everything that she was. Without one shred of mercy, kindness, or love she went on and on.

"You need to be realistic, get a real job, get real experiences of what the world is like. Instead of wasting your life drawing these childish drawings! They're shameful! They're disgusting! Don't think I don't do research into what you watch. These things are basically *^&* you think I'll let you do that?! That I'll let you bring shame to me?! Not on your pretty little life understand?! Now get out of my sight throw these away and do your homework! That's how you make something of yourself!"

"Yeah no she didn't give me anything. She hated anime and manga all of it. And she tried to tear me away from it all the time. And it worked...she...won...I let her win...I killed my dreams...all for..."

Nothing and no one, even when she moved in with her father her desire to draw became tainted by her mother's words screaming at her. She did still try, her father pushed for her to go to community college to become a graphic designer but she buckled under the pressure. Just like her mother always said she would. Like it was all preordained.

"I failed...everything I do is a failure...I never deserved anything..."

[ganglymask]

The summer sun was hot enough to threaten sunburns, but inside the circus tent a game was starting whether the cast members wanted it or not. Ribbit was armed with a comically colourful water gun that made croaking sounds when the trigger was pulled along with a cooling spout of water that had quite the range. —

“Gangle!” She called out from behind the couches with a mischievous little grin and shot a line of friendly-fire towards her. CROAK “Tag you’re it, slowpoke!” A second water gun is slid towards her and Ribbit disappears back behind the couch. // @bowt1e 🐸💦

"Ahhhhhhhhhhh!"

Gangle got hit by the shot instantly, she was looking all over the place for somewhere to hide. She had suspected something like this from Jax but seeing Ribbit she wasn't sure how to react. Still, peer pressure was a thing and whether she wanted to or not Gangle tried to take part in the game. Whatever the game was! And whoever they were up against.

"This is going to go terrible. Honestly, roping you into something stupid like this. Doesn't she know what you're like? You'll make a fool of yourself, bring shame as if you don't do that enough already."

"Um...sure! I'll try...um..."

The purple voice's words were harshly ignored, yet Gangle couldn't stop herself feeling her nerves spike. She picked up the water pistol before then trying to aim at Ribbit since no one else seemed to be around. Yet, Gangle had terrible aim when it came to guns both normal and water. Jax often laughed at how badly she tended to miss the mark.

"Ha! Here take this!"

She shot a number of shots that went all over the place before then slipping on the floor. The sound of her Comedy Mask breaking could then be heard. Along with the sound of her crying as was expected.

[ganglymask]

So, Zoey, hows it feel knowing you're nothing more than a brainscan of a real person? That you're just a copy? That she's succeeding out there?

"That...isn't me...don't...please don't...call me that name...I..."

This was why in the end she accepted the stupid name Jax gave her. Part of her had always suspected on some level that she wasn't real. Her memory never lined up with what the others said about putting on a headset. The last thing Gangle remembered was the truck coming towards her while she stood there with empty eyes looking back. The fact Caine knew that and used it against her was so terrible. She never told anyone either for fear she would be erased or something worse.

"I am happy for Zoey but it is so hard to believe. I...she...chose to throw herself before that truck! I was born from Zoey wanting to end her own life. How am I meant to feel about that? About all of it! What did Zoey figure out that I didn't? Why did Zoey get to find happiness in the world that made me crush my dreams at every turn? Maybe, the curse on her was finally lifted? Was she finally able to turn things around? Did she go to check on...did she go see...did she ever forgive...did she ever make up with...why...just why...who...scanned Zoey into the machine?"

Gangle would never know the answer to that question would she? Who had been the one to see what she did and try to save her like that? Why would anyone have bothered? And then the answer came to her. Most people even a stranger would help a person in trouble. It was instinctual something most people with any shred of decency would do. Why hadn't she met someone like that sooner? After she destroyed the lives of her family with her actions? Or inactions? Or...she didn't know...

The names of her family members don't pass from her. They weren't truly her family at all were they? These fragments she clung to it was all for nothing in the end. If she was meant to be a second chance then why did she have to be the subject of Jax's bullying? She never did anything! All she ever wanted was for someone to care, someone to understand, someone to save her from what she became and in the end no one had until Zoey already made the choice. It was only by fate that Zoey survived. Only by fate that her brain scan ended up here in the circus to become Gangle. And only by fate that she became Jax's whatever she was. Damn it Jax why did you have to do the same thing?! It wasn't fair! We could have been...friends...anything...I...still feel so...twisted inside. How am I meant to feel? How can I ever feel whole? Will I ever be whole?

Zooble was really the best part of all of this. And she felt so grateful to them for everything. Gangle needed to go hug them right now.

[ganglymask]

"You do know I'm avoiding you guys, right? Including you. Can't take a hint?" - Jax

"No...because...I can tell ok? I've seen it in your eyes that absence of self as of late. You're close aren't you? I was too not so long ago...at Spudsys...I was...I came so close...being there brought out the worst in me. If Pomni hadn't been there I wouldn't be standing here right now. I thought I wanted something normal but in the end all it did was remind me why...I chose to seek my own form of release I became someone I loathed and I couldn't take it so...I did it...back in reality..."

Basically admitting that she had tried to end herself. Honestly, she didn't know how she got here. Why her of all people was scanned into this place. She didn't remember putting on a headset. But, someone else must have, someone wanting maybe to try to save her? Who knows? Her real self could actually be dead and she'd never know! She would never know what happened to her brother, her sister, her mother, her father. All of them! She had been all alone! With no one by her side! She can't let that happen when she knows what its like she can't! Especially knowing what she did to isolate herself as much as she did.

She had done it all to herself, there was no one else to blame.

"Look, just don't go! You matter to us...you matter to me...I...god I'm so bad at this! I know...my words don't...they don't sound convincing at all. I'm the worst person for this, I know I am...anyone else would be better. But, I'm the one standing here...so...it has to be me right? I have to be to you what Pomni was for me when I was at my lowest."

@bullybunny

[ganglymask]

Kyanite: What is their temper like?

"Me get angry? No...I don't...do that..."

You have to push her extremely hard to get anger out of Gangle. And often it is for other people's sakes. She has seen the result of having too much anger in someone. Gangle simply felt it was better to keep moving on in most situations where anger might come into play. Ignore the problem long enough then it would go away or worse come to worst hide away from it. Obviously that isn't a good idea but that is the aspect of herself Gangle wished she could change. Her sister wanted her to get madder to fight back against the bullies with her fists, her brother told her to be smart and outwit them, her mother told her to get mad but only so far as heading off right away to find a teacher. And her father offered her comforting words when everything as already over. So, not very useful and with so many conflicting ideas bouncing around made it hard to Gangle to know what she should do in those times. So instead she froze up like she often did when things became too much to handle.

Why is anger something people want? Being angry is a terrible emotion it is so tiring to hold onto rage for a long time. It led to more trouble since bullies who got upset would seek revenge. It was better to placate them at least that was how she handled things in the real world.

And it often led to her getting bullied a lot, and because of this mentality she made things worse for herself. Her mother got upset at her for looking weak while having stern words with the teachers. Her brother often had to deal with the fallout of the bullying she was subjected to by calming down everyone related to the situation on a student level. While her sister got into trouble for punching the said bullies later on when she learned who they were. Gangle never asked for help she knows she should have, deep down she wanted to but in the end she never did. Her family often protected her in those moments without realising she tended to rely on them more than anything else.

Thankfully nothing too out of the ordinary happened within Gangle's school life that often. Being the quiet kid who drew alone helped her hide a lot. She still had a lot of problems don't get me wrong, but anger was never the answer she would ever fall to if she could get away.

It is only recently that she starting to finally turn things around. Ironically Jax pushing her buttons so often slowly had her build some level of rage within which she often used to draw him in silly outfits. Goes to show even when she does get mad she still isn't the type to confront people normally. But, with the appearance of the four masks that too might cause drastic change within her regarding this. Jax is a special case...Gangle has...a lot of mixed feelings towards him.

[ganglymask]

Iolite: Are they financially responsible or do they tend to blow their money as soon as they have it?

"Haha...me spend too much money on anime merchandise? No, I'd never do that...you're silly to think I would...I'm not that into anime."

When Gangle was younger she routinely blew her money on anime figurines, posters, costumes, t shirts, special edition DVDs and CDs, and so much more. Her buying habits were something her mother got mad at her for all the time. Her father in contrast was perfectly fine with Gangle having whatever she wanted. He even went out of his way to buy top quality anime merchandise for Gangle on her birthdays likely as a jab to his wife. It was a constant source of tension with her parents.

However, once certain events played out within the family household Gangle became a lot more careful with her money though she did still buy anime stuff on occasion in secret. But, she was more financially minded about it. Age taught her the error of her ways regarding her spending habits. No longer was she blowing it all on the trendiest merch of the new anime season. She got herself a job, as well as her own place to live as such needed to manage her funds better. Trying and failing to do Graphic Design in Community College also taught her lessons too. Now, she regrets a lot of her purchases for many reasons.

So the answer is yes she did used to blow all money as a kid. But, as she got older she got a lot better. But, she does still have weaknesses for certain products. She has a hard time resisting the complusion to buy plushes of cute mascot characters. She likes animal characters a lot.

[ganglymask]

Do you ever get sad that there isn't anyone to talk about anime with?

"Oh no, I'm rather used to enjoying anime by myself. Never had the chance or want to share my love with others sadly. There's a lot of shame that comes with admitting you're an anime fan. Lot of stigma around it too, which my family were prone to listening to. So, I tended to keep it to myself, a secret hobby that was all my own. Haha, you could almost say I was leading a double life but not really..."

She was totally not reflecting on the time where she admitted to her whole family that she did in-fact love anime. It had been a horrible moment where Gangle in an embarassing display created a song and dance number where she intended to scream to the heavens that she loved anime with all her heart and soul. But, stopped when she saw how stupid she looked especially when seeing her mother's glare.

Once that happened she disavowed her hobby altogether until she left home to find her own place. Which had been its own can of worms. Honestly, that moment made it clear how pointless it was staying there. And how much her family truly never wanted her. Oh no she's crying...

"The only other person I've known who might like anime is Jax because I've never forgotten that one comment he made: "Slice of life animes are the worst ones." that means he's watched anime before. Even him knowing that term gives me hope because "slice of life" is a genre term for anime someone new to anime wouldn't know that. Honestly, I want to ask him about that. But knowing him, he'll just push me away and hide behind that smile of his. I've kept my love for anime to myself my whole life I want to share that love with someone without feeling any shame. I do know there is a disgusting side to anime. I'm not blind to it, I know it is strange...it is odd...but..."

Anime had been her only means to escape. She never dared to do anything more, even though deep down she wanted to run away. She should have run away sooner, get away from all of them. Being there only made her sad...but she also...left them all behind.

"I want to forget...why can't I just forget everything?"

She then started weeping to herself curling in on herself.