To end a friendship is to take all the photos down from my wall. To tear down the nest I’ve built for myself.
I can’t end friendships. It’s probably because of all the good memories that float around in my head. Also the guilt of making other people feel bad. Even if they don’t share that guilt, but mostly I am a ‘yes man’ and we are on the same page. Most friendships of mine end when we fade out of each other’s lives. I also feel guilty for not keeping contact.
When friend groups fight amongst themselves I am the bridge between each side, playing both sides as to always come out on top. God forbid someone dislikes me.
The worst thing for me is when a friend doesn’t want to be my friend anymore. When Tilly left me hanging for days, weeks, months, and did exactly what I do to people. Play both sides. She talked shit about Izzy to me and even told me she was doing the same about me with Izzy, yet claimed it was, “just to see what she thought about you.” I was too ignorant to realise that I was the one she cared about the less. I don’t believe she actually liked either of us at the end of primary school, yet it was easier to force herself to love Izzy. I know it started from a place of true friendship with me and I don’t know where it went.
And those are the memories that I can’t take down from my wall. The good ones. Even though they were far outnumbered by the doubt and hurt, they outweighed the bad.
