it felt like one day he was twenty - five , feet pounding on the pavement , all the energy & excitement in the world bottled up in his small junkie frame & then he BLINKED , & he was forty - six , flattened out on the gym floor because of what they called ‘ an episode of acute coronary insufficiency. ’ his heart had FAILED him because of all the SHITE he’d put in his body when he was younger , as if the past was creeping up even on the INSIDES of his body. it was as if it wasn’t enough to just remain in his thoughts ; every part of what had happened BEFORE now was creeping back , slowly but surely , & mark could assimilate into this middle class society & never think about who he was before , but it wasn’t going to work. the past was INSIDE him , in his VEINS , in his THICK accent & in the way he couldn’t sleep at night because of how ROTTEN he felt , ESPECIALLY now. he could no longer run from the things he’d done , he had to confront them , even if it meant losing people. if mark didn’t say what had happened to someone he wouldn’t be living honestly , & this would kill him ; they might’ve promised him forty more years with the stent they’d put in , but it was quite obvious by now things like this didn’t ABIDE by time.
❛ donnie i need to tell you something , something i haven’t told anyone , ❜ mark started , ❛ & none of this is good & i know that , which is why i haven’t said anything , but i can’t keep LYING & pretending it didn’t exist or happen because it very well did & running from it has gotten me in a place like , with NOTHING & with NO ONE. the things i did in scotland weren’t good & i need to tell you how i got here but just promise you won’t look at me like i’m a monster because i know i am already. i just need you to promise me tha’ much. ❜