#dissaciation

[kitkats-random-shit]

finnally found a thermoter turns put i have a fever of 102...so thats fun to go with my inablity to decern reality curently

[fearofaching]

Also just realized I haven’t really looked in a mirror in about a week because anytime I have I see a stranger and I start going into panic mode.

So I apologize to all my coworkers and anyone who has to see me but I’m not in the mood to go into the existential crisis of my life and to wonder if I’m actually a person or not.

[queersie]

DA, my [only] way to go.

My sister and I had a wild discussion about religion today, I end up cursing the god she loves and she was deeply offended. I should’ve known better, it was my mistake, I know I should be careful with my wording. She and my mom are talking to the elders tomorrow after their meeting. Her words were “I’d make sure you are no longer a witness” .. Mom heard from the hall and said “I will come with you (sis)”.  I’ve been successfully been fading for 5 years, the problem is the more I know the more difficult is been to try to stay in the shadows and silent.  I first stopped going on service (door knocking) because I could not face a stranger and try to convince them to join an organization I wasn’t even sure it was ‘the truth’, the ‘only channel to a higher power’, such as god, and therefore ‘salvation’, since everything that involves a God also involves some sort of natural or horrid disaster or massacre, a end of the world as we know it. I wasn’t selling candy, I was selling a ‘way of life’, I’d have rather be selling candy, honest, no pressure.

I researched, and I wasn’t happy about what I found. I was scared. I don’t think I’ve ever been that scared before in my life. I stopped going to the meetings and eventually just ceased my service to the organization altogether. I told my parents I did not believe in God, that my beliefs now did not work well with what they believed, therefore my way of life was different from theirs. I told them I needed to accept myself. I tried to explain and give my reasons but their circular thinking was not helpful in a discussion, It was almost impossible to have a decent and objective conversation about anything religious. We would always get upset, one way or another. I was really angry and resentful, the organization ways had done me wrong in so many ways, i was hurt and I wanted my family to acknowledge that, little did I know I was just making things worse.

I’ve written down so many DA letters in my fading time, from very long ass letters to a 3 line paragraph with my name and signature on it. The one I’ll be turning in is just like that, 3 line paragraph saying I do not wish to be a jw or be contacted about such regard anymore. I’ll be giving it to my sister for her to turn in to the elders, It’ll be my apology and show love to her. My family has encouraged me to DA myself before, countless times, I wonder if they really know what it means for us as a family. I have no idea what will it be like for me, will the elders suggest my parents that I should live somewhere else?  Will they be encouraged not to talk to me at all?  I’m giving so much power to the 7 men in brooklyn, is scary. I’ll be losing my community. The only social circle I ever knew. I will however never leave them or stop loving them.  It scares the shit out of me, but at the same time I feel, I need this, I need closure and I need it to move forwards. Is time to let go.