i need ouma kokichi and saihara shuichi to deal with tsv's sorrow-and-shame. the guilt god. what's the thing you are most ashamed of? what if you had to relive it again and again and again and again at the hands of a deity that will not answer the question what do you want from me?
for saihara- is it these eyes? is it all the trials? is it the suffocating pressure of not being good enough? is it the fact that he both loves and loathes his 'role' as a detective? i'm interested in him especially because somehow i doubt there is no most shameful memory in his case. it's the little things, the eyes, the inability to satisfy everyone (fundamental as that may be, low-self esteem does not care. you are cruel. you know all your weak points.)
but also, maybe it's telling ouma you're alone. maybe it's all the words he said and all the words he didn't say- can't say- can never say anymore. we could have been so much better. it could have been better than this.
for ouma, is it killing gonta? is it punching kaito? is it knowing that these hands are capable of violence and they are dirty- ... or, is it that time he let positivity faucet akamatsu lead the group despite being the ultimate supreme leader? (this is your fault.) is it all the time he wasted waiting for a good hand before playing his cards? (you failed. you failed. you failed.)
there's a lot of distance-action-impact to be discussed when it comes to ouma, especially when it comes to chapter four. there is distance, so much distance, because they're in the virtual world, because the one killing isn't even him, because it's kill or be killed, because it's for the greater good. there is impact when they wake up to a dead body, eyes rolled back in a cruel parody of ecstasy, hands reaching up trying to pry away something that's not there. do you think ouma was hit? do you think he planned it all knowing he's putting distance between himself and the action-impact? do you think he feels guilty for doing that?
the thing is, guilt will lie to you. guilt will tell you things that aren't true and you will believe them. it's a thing that eats you up from the inside out, and it is an unfair battle. really, you cannot win. everyone else tried their best- where were you? you're an ultimate- why didn't you live up to your title? being tired isn't an excuse. it could have gone so much better if only you did something. say sorry. say you're sorry. do it. kneel and apologise and beg for it to stop- ah, but it doesn't matter, does it? plead all you want, but it no longer matters. their faces taunt you and taint you.
(but) there is no life without sacrifice anywhere!
grief, guilt, shame, regret- they will never go away. when nana glass tells carpenter you won't be rid of us carpenter says i know. i'm leaving this place. come with me. all of you. come with me. you do not leave grief behind you carry it with you, forever, and despite everything you move forward. with it. i need postgame ouma to come to terms with this one night seven years later. i need non-vr au postgame saihara to learn this and to learn to live knowing this.
despite this being what it is, awful and hard to swallow and whatever else- it ends in something positive. i don't want to call it hope because it's really not. but it's something. recovery isn't pretty. but it's still recovery.
(how living just one more day is sometimes an act of rebellion. to go on, knowing how others don't. to live despite. go go go)