#divorceediaries

[musicjunky1989]

Fur babies + books

FRANDS!! Assuming anyone reads this but me lolz.

Got back from Nashville last night and that little quick trip was great. It was great to spend time with Amber in the car singing random ass songs that we haven’t heard in forever. Riddle me this - How is it that I can barely remember where I parked my car after leaving a store but when “I want it that way” by BSB (please tell me you know what that means..........) comes on I can sing every single word no problem. Nuts. 

In Nashville we stayed in this super cute AirBnB. Amber has been following a lifestyle blogger for years and we stayed in her house. OF COURSE it was beautifully decorated and just honestly so precious. We went out for dinner and drinks the first night, and it was awesome to just be. I wasn’t worried about a single thing. It was awesome. The next day we went to a kayaking lesson, a thrift store, and McKay’s bookstore. 

Ok, let me set the scene. It’s hot as fuck outside and even just the walk from the car to the next air conditioned space is terrible. You step into the doors and are hit with not one amazing thing, but two. First, air conditioning - can I get an amen? 🙌🏼 seriously. The second thing - walls and shelves upon shelves of books. 😍 This used bookstore is massive. It’s basically a two-story warehouse filled with used books, instruments, cds/records, comics, board games, etc. It was fucking awesome. I bought soooo many books. And am already half way through one of them. McKay’s, I will be back. 

Oooooooooo books. :)  

Here is the only bad thing about going on this quick trip. I couldn’t pick up my dogs yesterday so I was in my apartment all by myself last night. I obviously survived, but definitely missed them. Went to pick them up this afternoon and the entire car ride home Winne went back and forth between looking out the window and setting her head on my shoulder as I drove. CUTENESS OVERLOAD. And now Belle won’t leave my side. God, I love these dogs. I had so much fun in Nashville but I am so glad to be on my couch with my dogs, good music, and a book. 

And now it’s time for laundry which I’m sure we can all agree is the least fun adult activity. That and emptying the dishwasher. haha

Talk soon. :) 

[musicjunky1989]

Dating? WHHHHAAAAAAAA

I have only a few things left to sell from the marriage. A ring and a car. I’m supposed to sell my ring tomorrow and I have this small part of me is having a hard time letting go.

And I’m sure that most of this feeling is because I’ve completely started over. I essentially wasted 8 years of my life because I’m back where I started, relationship wise. I know that I have learned so much about myself and wouldn’t trade it for the world. All this bullshit has helped me grow a lot as a persons. And honestly, I may be weary and bruised and scared, but I am stronger because of it. I don’t regret the last 8 years for a second. So after I sell this ring and figure out the car situation, there are very few remnants of my life with my ex.

But I have to start over in so many ways. For example, dating. It’s been almost a decade. Let’s round that bitch up to a decade. So, there’s that. I have to be vulnerable enough for someone to truly know me. The person that I am and want to be. And the shitty parts too. Like the fact that I absolutely hate people who are selfish. I can’t do it. Or I absolutely love pickles. And then eventually, I’ll want/need to share all the really bruised parts of me too. The parts you have anxiety about letting all hang out. Some of you just might not have those but I do. And, it’s scary. So anyway, you go through all that AND THEN you can still be completely heartbroken. What the fuck is that? That’s some serious cosmic bullshit.

So, dating sounds fun. But, sometimes you get surprised. Pleasantly, happily surprised. And I’m just along for the ride. I want to try new things. I want to be a risk taker. I want to know that no matter what in the end I’m completely good on my own. It’s pretty freeing.

Something else that is freeing- not worrying about anyone all the time but myself. I get to do what I want and really have no reason to consider anyone else in my daily personal life. It’s kind of awesome.

[musicjunky1989]

Thirty.

Tomorrow’s my birthday y’all. Around this time last year, I started to blogging about my life and such. Honestly as a way for me to process my own feelings and maybe share some insight into the parts of me that are often hidden from view. 

This past year has been tough. I just went to the Dr and we were chatting since I haven’t been in there since last April. So she asked the normal questions, I told her the answers: moved twice, got divorced, started grad school, got a new job (YES YES YES! I got it y’all!!!! I’ll be an AP next year at a high school. More on that later). We talked about how I experienced a handful of the most stressful life moments all within a year. I wanted to say something like “no way? who are you tellin’...”. But I love my Dr, so I just laughed. That was a great segue into how I wanted to get back into seeing my own therapist regularly, so I was looking for a recommendation. EVERYONE. She literally recommended the family therapist that I went to couple’s counseling for with my ex.  

We came full fucking circle. All the way around, and boom - we back. 

Funny thing - I actually really loved that therapist. It’s a married couple that practices together or separately. The ex and I worked with the husband and he was great. If I’m being honest, I think a lot of those discussions in that office started pushing me towards separation/divorce. I remember moments in that office where I would be completely defeated, exhausted, just done; and Mr. Therapist would find some way to engage the Ex and I in conversation. Now, I have a hard time thinking of any time my Ex actually tried any of that outside the sessions, but while we were in the office I felt like I had someone who saw me. 

I didn’t really share any of the pain and disappointment I felt with my marriage with anyone, so feeling heard and seen was extremely impactful for me. 

Anyway, so now I might be going back for just personal counseling. In a weird way, I kind of love it. haha

So, lots of things have happened within the last year. Lots. And, I’m sitting here at my desk ( that my badass best friend MADE for me. built. like from wood. be jealous), surrounded by grad school syllabi, books, articles, new hire to-do list, all the things. 

And I’m happy. 

I’m in a loving relationship with someone who genuinely makes me happy and helps me feel more like myself, I have the best friend that everyone else wants/needs but can’t have - SHE’S MINE. BACK OFF. :), I just got back from seeing my mom and some serious persuasion on the whole “come move in with me, mom” went down, just saying. I love that weirdo to pieces and can’t wait for her to be my roomie at some point (if I keep saying it, it’ll happen right?)

 I just got a new job :) I’m terrified, super excited, and anxious to get started. I’m thankful for the school to valuing me and my experience, and honestly entrusting me with the youth of Memphis. <3 I’ll be an AP at a high school, one of two APs. I have my first day on Monday and a dinner with the admin team that night. Excited to get started and soak up all the knowledge they can give me. 

And, I did some math (as one does...) and I can pay off all my remaining debt in 6 months and still put money into savings each month. SAY WHAAAA. 

30 is looking pretty fucking good to me. As my best friend just told me today, I’ve been through a lot of shit, but I definitely upgraded. Change is hard in the moment, but looking back I would do it all again. I love this birthday lady. 

Let’s see what 30 brings :) 

[musicjunky1989]

Funerals and Self-care

Morning, 

A woman that I worked with the past 5 years has passed away from a long battle with cancer. She was such a bright spot in our school when it came to our student and family interactions, especially since she had been there for so long (since the school opened...I think). 

All that being said, I’ve decided to not attend her funeral services this morning. Funerals have always been hard for me and the last few I’ve attended have just really hit me. I attended my best friend’s mom’s funeral a few years ago and my aunt’s just about a year and a half ago. I am so thankful for this woman I worked with at school, but I don’t think I have the emotional energy to go. 

Emotional energy to go and talk to my co-workers, and make small talk, and grieve with everyone, I just don’t think I can. 

So here I am again, choosing myself, It feels really fucking selfish right now, honestly. It feels like I’m just being lazy and don’t want to go. Which is partially true, I don’t want to go. But there is more to it than that, I don’t want to keep up the appearances with my co-workers. The summer is my time to be completely myself, not my teacher-self, or colleague-self; just myself. 

So I’m not going to the services, but I did take some time today to really think about Ms. J and her huge impact on my school community. 

Thank you Ms. J for all the kids you have encouraged and supported over the years, and the teachers and staff you’ve welcomed into your heart. Thank you for being a constant joyful face and person to interact with at school and other functions. Thank you for being a great model for so many others of what a good Christian can look like. Thank you for all your service, time, hard work, love, and compassion. Thank you for being apart of my life and teaching career, and thank you for all the kind, sweet interactions we have had. That is how I will remember you, being the person who can light up a room with your joy and love of life. Rest in peace, our school community with miss you and think of you often. 

Self-care is hard y’all. I need to recognize that I can grieve and remember people in my own way. I need to remember that doing things differently is not always a bad thing. It’s ok to go against the grain/norm. I need to do that for myself and my own life. I need to live life in the best way for me. I honestly have no idea what that even means, but I’m searching for it. 

Hopefully I get a little closer each day. 

<3

[musicjunky1989]

Twilight Saga and 122

Ok before I get a bunch of shit about Twilight. Can we just all admit that it is extremely dramatic and poorly done? That. That is exactly why I love it. It is SOOOOOOOOOOOO extra. 

Long story short, I started rewatching the Twilight Saga (pssst. don’t wanna hear your sass.....) and when Edward leaves Bella he says it would be like he never existed. That is what my life feels like. 

It feels like my life with my ex never even existed. Like it has been erased from history. I know that sounds absolutely crazy, but it’s really only been a little over a hundred days since I made the decision to file for divorce. And in the last 60 - 90 of those, my entire life changed. There is literally nothing, except Belle and Winnie, in my life that reminds me of him. I sat on the couch tonight for several minutes looking around to see if I could find anything that reminded me of him. 

And there are 3 things that remind me of him, sorta. I’ll explain the sorta in a minute. First, the things... hahaha 

1. Shells - That we collected when we first went camping with my bestie and her husband. That trip was pretty rad, it reminded me that sometimes you just need some goddamn peace and quiet. 

2. An old army ammo can - I bought this for my ex when I went to Waco Texas with my bestie on our first girls trip. 

3. Belle/Winnie - I wanted to adopt a dog when I first moved to Memphis and it just kind of happened. Winnie was definitely his dog. They spent so much time together and were connected on this weird level. They helped each other with human interactions. 

That all being said, when I first look at these things - I don’t think of him. I associate the shells and the ammo can with my bestie instantly. And I just see the dogs as mine. And, I’ve felt that way for a long time. I know it has only been a hundred-some days since we officially separated, but for me and my heart it has been much longer. If I’m honest with myself, I wasn’t “in” that marriage for months before I told him I wanted a divorce. I was distancing myself and finding little ways to move on before I even know what I was doing. It’s a super weird realization about myself and how my emotions and actions are so strongly tied. 

Ok, but here is the crazy part: It feels like a long time ago when I think about when I last felt “in love” with him, it feels like a pretty long time ago since he moved back home and I moved on. It feels like it was months and months ago since I started this whole process. 

It feels that way until your timehop brings up a post about a great time together from years ago. Or, the song you walked down the aisle to comes on your shuffle. Or, you talk to your dog in a stupid voice that we both used. That’s what fucks me up. It feels like it was forever ago when I made this decision (a great one for me, btw), it feels like forever until something random reminds me. And then, it feels like just yesterday. It feels like all the loss and hard change I experienced just a couple months ago. It feels so raw and suffocating. And then I remember the years of disappointment and lack of interest. I remember how I know now that I wasn’t being loved as I deserve. I remember that just because people take advantage of your kindness and soul, doesn’t mean everyone will. I remember that I am fine. I am doing really well. I feel more like myself than I have in years. 

So for a second or two it feels like I’m being crushed under my own grief, loss, disappointment, anxiety, anger, etc. But then, I remember. 

I remember that I am strong, and I smile. 

Ok there is actual a third thing that reminds me of him. It is this magnet that has a picture of William Shatner on it from Star Trek (on the bridge - duh) - it says “Smells like SHAT”. Like c’mon, that is just hilarious. 

[musicjunky1989]

UPDATES gone wild. maybe not wild, but there are updates?

HAAAIIIIII INTERWEBS!

It’s been a minute. School started and I forgot how exhausting the beginning of a school year can be. But, a lot has happened and I honestly missed writing about it.

I finally started reading Sonya Renee Taylor’s book “The body is not an apology” and it’s wonderful. I’ve been highlighting and writing in the book every single time I read!! So many great ideas, and things to really sit and think about. Like, what happened that all of a sudden I hated my body? When did that start? I honestly can’t tell you. What I do know is that it hasn’t been until recently (let’s be honest - 5/18/18) that I’ve started to take the time to really unpack why I am the way I am. And, it’s so fucked up that our country/world literally profits from my lack of self-love. If anything that just pisses me off and makes me want to move forward into a better space. SO WATCH OUT BITCHES. lolz. 

But for real, this book is great. I’ve been telling all my kids about and sharing in class about what I’ve read. I need them to know that it is ok to still be figuring things out. Hell, I’m a full grown woman and am just now starting to understand myself.

Better late than never. 

Last week I read the chapter “Building a radical self-love practice in an age of loathing” and SRT wrote about people treating their bodies so poorly because they have a disconnect between themselves and their bodies. OH MY GOD! IT’S LIKE SHE OBSERVED MY LIFE. Anyway - this section really stuck with me. 

Y’all. That is just so sad, beautiful, and optimistic as the same time. Nayyirah Waheed - me too. me too. 

In other news, I’m officially divorced. As of August 20th 2018, I am no longer a married person. I’m unmarried? haha It feels great and weird at the same time. It’s great for reasons that I feel like are obvious to me now: I am happy. I AM HAPPY. Do you know that I never thought that or ever said it out loud up until recently??  How absolutely fucking insane is that? But, I really am. Sure, shit is stressful but I wouldn’t go back for anything. My friends, co-workers, family, former and current students all have noticed that I am happier than before. Which is funny because usually I tell them:

I just got divorced and they say “ohhhh, I am sooooo sorry” and my response is ALWAYS:  “I’m great. :) “ lolz.

So I’m great because I’m spending a lot of time on myself and finding out what I like and don’t like, realizing how to best take care of myself first and how to love myself through every single moment. A part of that has to do with men. I’ve written previously about some of the unwanted attention I’ve been receiving, but I haven’t talked about the good side of all of this. 

So, I started talking to someone and he has been helping me realize some of the best parts of myself. I mean I always knew that I was fucking hilarious :) , but it’s so much fun to just talk and spend time getting the other person to just laugh with no ulterior motive. Or talking about what math skill I taught at school that day - which my ex-husband wasn’t even REALLY interested in hearing about, so it’s nice to talk about it. Especially since that is my entire day: teaching math and spending time with the kiddos. 

I’ve realized that I am so worthy of being loved - by myself and others. It’s been great and he’s a part of that.

Before anyone freaks out - we are just talking. There is a lot of distance between the two of us (yay internet and it being 2018) and I honestly think right now, I need that. As much as I want to just meet up for sushi or go for a drive, I know that I need this time for myself. But, he has definitely been contributing to my happiness in some of the most surprising ways. 

TL;DR -  I’m officially divorced and very happy (about it and more)

:) 

[musicjunky1989]

Love hard or get the fuck out

Watching something on Netflix, winding down before I head to bed, and I heard a surprising quote. I’ll tell you who said “Love hard or get the fuck out” at the end. Promise.

But, let’s just for a quick minute imagine what that would be like. To love and be loved hard. I don’t think I’ve ever experienced that. Maybe love lite. Which, I know, sounds super shitty. I know. Trust me. I’ve already thought about how fucking awful that sounds. But in this weird new completely unexpected time in my life, if the type of love I had with my ex was “love hard” then I don’t ever want to do that again. There’s got to be more than anxiety and disappointment, right? And if there’s not, can someone please just tell me. 

But, I think there is. And I think maybe more importantly - if there is, I want that. I want to feel that kind of love. That’s fucking crazy to think about. What does that even feel like? Maybe, I’ll feel it some day. Anyway, the whole point of this is that I finally realized that I deserve to have that kind of love and that is why I have to put myself out there. I have to try. I have to be open to new experiences, I have to be willing to take risks, and be more spontaneous. All of it. Which is turning out to be kind of fun. 

So big picture: I want to only be with people moving forward who either love hard or get the fuck out. Love lite - need not apply. 

I’m good. I did that bullshit for a long time and it was shitty. It’s taken me a long time to realize that but now I know I deserve more. I know that I do not want to have round two of whatever the fuck the last 8 years has been. I’m good. Like I said, love lite - need not apply. 

This learning to love myself more is weird. It’s so interesting the times I surprise myself. It’s been a pretty good process so far. And taking more risks is paying off in unexpected ways. I’m happy and I haven’t been happy in a really really really long time. :) 

Oh my god. This is literally the sappiest thing I’ve ever written in my entire life. Eh, fuck it. Just no judgement. Or at least keep that shit to yourself. haha

Anyway, the quote is from Chris Rock’s Netflix special - Tambourine. It’s in the first 15 seconds. I literally paused it right then to write this. It felt important.

Toodaloo!

[musicjunky1989]

Spontaneity + Adulting + <3

Hey Y’all.

Welcome to July. I’m officially 29 and a few days old. And, surprise surprise, I don’t feel ANY different. lolz. 

But here is the first instance of trying to be my best self in year 29. My bestie/life-partner and I are going to Nashville tomorrow night for quick trip. She called me yesterday and the first thing she said was “Do you feel like being spontaneous?”. And of course, my thought was - there is not a chance in hell that I’m getting off this couch today soooo no. But then, she mentioned this bomb Air B&B she found for one night in Nashville. I’ve never actually been to Nashville - just driven through a few times and went to a conference in the suburbs. But I’ve never REALLY explored Nashville. But friends, the time has come. We are going to tear it up. And by that, I mean we are going to eat and drink and do whatever the fuck we want for an entire day. AMEN. I’m so ready for it. 

This quick trip is just want I need to get out of my head. There are just a few more things to do before I’ll be “done” with the married-life chapter. I still have my ring. And, I have felt such conflicting emotions about this ring. I just keep thinking about when we went to look at rings, when he proposed, and so much more. It’s a lot to unpack for just a piece of jewelry. I’m surprised by how much selling this ring is affecting me. It’s the last physical thing that really reminds me of our life together and I just really love its style. I haven’t worn my ring in months - it’s just sitting in my drawer. I haven’t even looked at it. But for some reason, whenever I make a plan to go to the jewelers, I just can’t bring myself to do it. But, I’ve read several times and noticed recently that I need to let people into my world more. I need to let someone in on this with me. So I asked my best/life-partner to come with me. And even telling her that I needed help with this was hard.  Not because I was worried of how she would react, but because I don’t like am not used to opening up to people. Ugh. I’m trying. 

In other soon-to-be-officially-divorced-slash-I’m-older-now news, I have 2 cars right now, and I need to deal that. I’ve been talking with my brother about what I can/should do. He is great at giving financial advice and negotiating, and I’m so thankful that he is willing to help. So now the question is, do I try to start completely fresh and trade in both cars for something else. Or trade in one car and continue to use/payoff the other. IT’S JUST TOO MUCH DAMN ADULTING FOR ME. I don’t want to deal with it. But now I get to look at new cars and see if anything catches my eye. And let’s be honest - it’s fun to look at all the fancy things - even if I don’t actually end up getting one.  But I think most importantly, I’m so excited for my brother to come down and stay for a few days. It’ll be nice for him to see my new place, hangout and chill just the two of us, and hopefully set him at ease. I know that he is worried about me. 

I know a lot of my family is worried about me. I know that my mom worries about me way too much - she stalks me on Find My Friends. Don’t worry, it’s a two way street with the stalking :)  But, I am so thankful for these weirdos that are my family - blood or otherwise. I know that I’ve written a lot about how lonely I have felt but I have realized that I am not alone at all. This tribe is here for me. And damn it, it’s beautiful. Fuck, all the feels. Love y’all. 

So, I’m going to kick it in Nashville for a minute, sell this ring and be happy about it, figure out my car drama, and keep living for myself. 

Here’s to spontaneity.